Yakuza Apocalypse
Takashi Miike is a weird dude.
He’s
got a filmography that includes everything from a Sobiake Western to
family friendly monsters and violent excessiveness to dramatic melodrama
and often blending elements of everything into one film. So when I say
“Takashi Miike is a weird dude”, keep in mind that his is the only
“Masters of Horror” short that was ever pulled from rotation for being
too extreme.
And, as I’m watching Yakuza Apocalypse, all I can think is: “Takashi Miike is a weird dude.”
Here’s
the premise- there’s a small village in Japan and it’s basically run by
a small gang of Yakuza, including a boss whose sentiments seem more
along the lines of a basic Robin Hood-sorta’ guy. He protects the
regular people from the violence of the Yakuza, helps those in need, and
basically runs the town in a pretty fair manner. But then he’s killed…
in, like, the first fifteen minutes of the film we get the build-up of
how important he is to this small village. And then he gets killed. But
then his head wakes up just long enough to bite his subordinate and pass
along his “Yakuza Vampire” powers to the young protagonist of our
story.
And I want you
to note that I said “Yakuza Vampire”… not Vampire who happens to be a
Yakuza, this means he is a “Yakuza Vampire”! This is important to note
because he starts to bite other people and he starts to turn them into
“Yakuza Vampire”… No, not vampires. Yakuza Vampires- because in addition
to the thirst for blood and undeadiness of being a vampire, these
people are also cursed to become Yakuza. They grow tattoos on their
backs and they behave with the boorish and “go to hell” lifestyle of
being a member of the Yakuza. I’m a gaijin jerk so I’m not entirely sure
how culturally accurate or relevant this issue is- but the comedic
value of watching school-teachers, students, nurses, housewives, and
shop-keeps turned into blustering Yakuza is kind of hilarious.
And
the movie is violent- and utterly ridiculous. The “Monster Terrorist”
that is warned about repeatedly throughout the early portion of the film
comes into town- wearing a full body “Frog” costume within which he
fights, pulling dangerous martial arts skills and decimating forces- all
while dressed in a large frog suit. Not a diving suit- I mean a literal
frog. Green, big head, and floppy feet. Did I mention that Miike is
some weird dude?
4 out of 5 and a WTF Japan?!?!! Must watch if you like the weird.
DEATHGASM
Because lower case letters are for pussies.
Kiwis
may very well be the “go-to” folk when it comes to splat-stick horror
comedy. Starting with Peter Jackson and straight on up to films like
“Housebound” and “DEATHGASM!”, New Zealand keeps serving up some
deliciously nasty little gross-outs through the years. And while it
proved a little difficult to find, I managed to scrape up just enough
knowledge to find out that Wal-Mart had decided to carry this latest gem
under the title of “Heavy Metal Apocalypse”- which is getting scratched
out soon on my box and will be replaced with the films proper title of
“DEATHGASM!” so let’s not dwell on that too much. If you wanted to know,
now you know.
The
film starts with a bit of a typical “fish out of water” story about our
young protagonist having to move in with his hyper-religious Uncle and
extended family. The kid is a metal-head, he’s a social outcast, and he
almost immediately hooks up with other town outcasts and forms a band.
One things leads to another, he falls for a girl, he gets his hands on
some brutal sheet music and then they accidentally unleash a demon from
the bowels of hell. Gore splatters, chainsaws rev, and adult toys are
used as melee weapons of mass carnage- this is basically a truly metal
horror comedy and all was right with the world throughout the film’s
runtime. I had a blast watching this film and I think other fans of
“Dead Alive” and films like that will definitely love this one to bloody
nasty pieces.
The
soundtrack features a good blend of metal with epic guitar shredders,
roaring doom riffs, guttural bellows, and high pitch melodies. So when
others reviews insist this is “the most metal movie of all time” they
aren’t just whistling Dixie. This film has plenty of Easter Eggs for the
typical fan of the music with a few deep cut references that never
really pulls the casual audience out of the action.
4.5 out of 5.
The Sacrament
I
keep saying that I’ll avoid Ti West films and yet I keep finding myself
watching a Ti West film when all the chips are down on the table. And ,
let’s face it, this thing is supposed to be a POV-shot
“documentary”-style film? The nails should already in the coffin long
before I press “play” for my Netflix stream to begin-
And yet!
He's a "genre darling" and he keeps making movies with an interesting premise.He keeps coming back and I keep rolling that streaming video through Netflix or Amazon or throwing in a blu-ray or a DVD... whatever.
Let me start this review.
This movie is good.
I
don’t mean “good” as in the film is an enjoyable romp through the
backwoods of some South American country. I mean “good” as in this is a
dark freaking movie about a cult leader in South America and is pretty
much a film with the Jim Jones-vibe running strong and before choking the life out of you with unpleasant horrors. It’s
disturbing and the violence is shot in a way that it looks more than
realistic- it’s downright chilling at times. People don't have "movie" deaths- there is some serious research into how death occurs and some attention to detail you don't normally see in cinema.
Okay, that requires some explaining: Death in a movie is dramatic and is played for entertainment of the audience. Death in real life is not nearly as "entertaining" as it is in the films- and I'm not talking the crawling, creeping, choking, melodrama- I mean people generally don't have that glassy-eyed stare we see in movies. Poison isn't just choked out and vomited- it literally eats away at your insides and burns parts you normally don't even feel. People don't spurt blood- if there's a lot of blood it tends to spill out like a leaking faucet because your heart beat stops. Death spasms aren't really tight- they're loose and chilling to watch. This movie goes into a very dark place, so be prepared.
The premise is disturbing
and it takes a major turn in breaking my personal rules (violence toward
children) but this movie moves along at a brisk pace and is really well
made. And I have to say this is more along the lines of “The
Innkeepers” in a film making sense than it was a “House of the Devil”…
so if you like really disturbing stuff, “The Sacrament” has plenty of
that for you.
4 out of 5.
AND NOW... on the heels of my recent Phantasm blog, here's another Retro-look back at a film series.
Poltergeist!!!
Featuring special Guest Commentator: REMO D.!!! (AKA: Shane M. Dallmann)
Since
I had no interest in the Super Bowl whatsoever, I availed myself of the
opportunity to marathon the original POLTERGEIST films last night... I
won't be as detailed as you were on the PHANTASM flicks, but you get the
idea.
POLTERGEIST
still rocks and has plenty of awesome scary and gruesome moments (how
the hell they got a "PG" with the guy tearing his own face off in the
mirror is beyond me, Spielberg or no Spielberg)... yet, after thirty
years of sequels and ripoffs and endless retreads of the setting up of
the paranormal detection equipment, I've got to admit that even I get
restless during that long stretch between Carol Anne's disappearance and
her rescue. Of course it's not the movie's fault for starting the
trend, and it's still a classic, even though Spielberg really ought to
have acknowledged "Little Girl Lost" from THE TWILIGHT ZONE somewhere in
the credits.
POLTERGEIST
II: THE OTHER SIDE was flat-out awful despite some flawed gems trying
to stand out in a sea of cheesy opticals. Julian Beck was creepy as hell
as Reverend Kane, true... and there was a genuinely disturbing scene
near the end where the possessed husband teeters on the verge of marital
rape AND lets his daughter hear that they were seriously considering
not having her... that's some vicious adult material right there, which
makes it all the more pathetic that we're handed a saccharine finale
with the magic grandma whisking Carol Anne out of the netherworld when
all seems lost. Time to add "Long Distance Call" to the TZ rip-off
formula... oh, and it's heartbreaking to hear Carol Anne tell her
grandma that she doesn't want to grow up, considering that in real life
she never did.
POLTERGEIST
III: The story is pure, disposable, unnecessary cheese-corn, but the
reliance on practical effects (as opposed to endless blue-screen) and
experienced director Gary Sherman's experimentation with a constant
"mirror" theme at least make this more interesting on a visual level
than the previous fiasco. I especially liked the ice cars. And that's
really all I need to say.
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