Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Beardomania! B-Reviews for Monster Brawl and Abe Lincoln versus Zombies!

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies

The Presidents’ struggles against the undead were only just beginning when he took on Vampires. Thanks to The Asylum, we are now able to learn about Lincolns’ struggle against the virulent zombie menace. Thank you, Asylum!

In typical “Asylum” fashion, the movie studio built on mock-busters delivers another cheaply made direct-to-dvd knock off in hopes of cashing in on the Lincoln craze. Unlike the Hollywood effort, this film isn’t backed by a best selling novel and it didn’t have much in the way of a budget. Asylum films are often gadawful rush job creations with terrible CGI and a bevy of terrible actors and actresses. They’re sole purpose is to cash in on a film trend and rake in some quick cash on the rental market and a quick rotation through the Syfy Channel. To that end, the Asylum has a horrible reputation for presenting terrible movies. I’m not going to try and change your mind regarding Abraham Lincoln versus Zombies, but it is much better than most of the drek delivered by this company.

Firstly, the guy playing Lincoln isn’t half bad. Actually, he plays the role straight despite some amusing one-liners spread throughout the action. He really does carry the film and has the charisma to rise above the haphazard direction and clumsy pacing that dominates the movie. Some other historical figures are presented as allies throughout the zombie conflict, including a youthful Teddy Roosevelt with Pat Garrett. We also meet John Wilkes Booth and Stonewall Jackson, both of whom stand at various odds with the President in his fight against the undead. And the film lives up to the fun of watching the President fight against the zombie horde. But while there’s plenty good about the film, it’s still an Asylum picture and there are some truly shoddy production values throughout the feature.

BEARD-O-MANIA runs wild with some of the worst “fake” beards and mustachios ever put to film. Stonewall Jackson himself bears a strikingly horrific set of falsies, with an almost wax-like mustache never even attempting to join forces with the loosely straggling wire thread that hangs in gray tatters from a beard that never came close to fitting the face beneath it. Zombies saunter about with quickly layered pancake powder and badly dried fake blood splotched in several areas. Cheap keyboard music tries to set a dire mood, but only succeeds in accentuating how cheaply made the film really is. Despite all these faults, I really enjoyed the movie.

3 out of 5.


What do you get when you combine a love for cheesy monster movies with a love for cheese-ball 80’s rasslin’? You get a movie that features a bunch of monsters going at it in a no-holds-barred competition to determine the champion monster. You also get “The mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart, Kevin Nash, the one time Kurgan, and David Foley as a comedic drunken play-by-play announcer. And this is the ultimate cheese-festival and it’s very Gouda! We get back stories for each of the monsters, we get the usual pre-match promo, and we get a few gory gags thrown in with a series of standard wrestling holds and minor bumps. There really isn’t much of a plot to speak of with this film, just a lot of monsters brawling as the announcers crack wise… zombies rise from the graveyard tombs at one point, bringing greater danger to the announcers and event staff.

4 out of 5.

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