Monday, May 14, 2012
Abelar: tales of an ancient Empire RANT, FUCK THE REVIEW BULLSHIT!!!!
TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE (or... FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!)
The long long long awaited sequel to "The Sword and the Sorcerer"?!?!?!! AWWW, FUCK YEAH!!!!
*sputter..... THE FUCK?!?!!*
So let me get this straight…. The long promised “sequel” to the “Sword and the Sorcerer” stars Kevin Sorbo and Michael Pare’, but neither one of them is supposed to be Talon. The story itself has nothing at all to do with Talon, with the evil Sorcerer from the first film, or with the Kingdom of Micah or his sister? Okay… so long as it has a three bladed sword we are going to be fine. Director Alber Pyun hasn’t really had much in the way of a decent film in a really long time, though I’m not going to sit here and pan the Max Havoc series into dust. This direct to DVD sequel has had well over twenty years to develop, even if the films original production company wouldn’t let the trademarks pass and allow Pyun to make an actual sequel with Talon. And as the movie starts… I’m treated to Michael Pare in a really REALLY bad wig, flanked by a pair of other Pyun regulars (Including martial arts star Olivier Grunier!) in the presentation of the films prologue…. And it goes on…. And on…. And on…. Pare is supposed to be a mercenary warrior with less than idealistic scruples. He slays some evil sorcerer, sleeps with the vampiric daughter, slaughters her after cutting his unborn child from her womb, and takes off. All in front of green screen with a number of drawings mixed and blended into the action, saving the cost of hiring actors or building a set or doing any number of things that might be considered a good idea when making a film. OOOOH!!!!! And Lee Horsely gets billed as “the Stranger”…. That could ONLY be Talon and you know he’s going to whoop some in this film! It can’t be that bad, right?!?!?!!
Okay, after this long…. So long… very long series of scenes cut through with the opening credits, we’re finally brought up to date and the Vampire Queen is resurrected when some pirates open her coffin. I’m not sure how… her dust just spontaneously erupts in a fine display of talent from a first year CG student with eye problems. She slaughters the crew and … says stuff. I can’t understand a word through the terrible fake teeth and we have to suffer through this nonsense for the rest of the movie with other characters. She wants revenge on the Daughter of the Queen who hired Pare’ earlier in the credit scene, and so the “other” princess is sent to find him in the wake of her attack. The film starts to chop back and forth in time, showing us flashbacks and giving us a lot of exposition just to learn that the Queens’ sister is one of the many illegitimate children of Pare’ and she starts to meet the others and there are some truly awkward moments here. And this is where Kevin Sorbo comes in, with a passable performance as the half-brother rogue warrior snarking his way through the film. Blah blah blah… they’re being tracked by one of the vampire servants and blah blah blah, meeting a sister, another sister with HER daughter and there’s a full cast but they still need to find the father. AND WE SEE TALON!!!!
Talon says … stuff…. And leaves. He leaves? No fight, no significant moments, nothing but showing up and leaving…. THAT’S IT?!?!?!!!! Twenty years and counting for the much awaited “further adventures” of Talon and we get a snarky comment and a dismissive wave?!?! But then we see someone else has a triple bladed sword… it’s Michael Pare and now he’s in a bad WHITE wig, to indicate that he’s gotten older. And…. WHAT THE F??!?!!! This is where the movie completely jumps the rail because, right up to this point, there was a clear narrative. But now Pare has a fight with the vampires in the desert and uses the blades to kill them, they’ve captured the kids and sent them to the dungeon, but then a voice-over tells us he easily frees the kids and they’re off to kill the Vampire Queen. And then Pare is killed. And the narration goes on to tell us that Sorbo’s character kills the queen…. NARRATION?!?!?!!! WHAT?!?!!
Stunned. Jaw dropping stunned…. I shake my head at the end of this film and…. WHAT?!?!?!! Some vampire girl wakes in the middle of the desert and… starts to say stuff. The movie isn’t over… or… it is? Wait… Pare’ is back, and he’s not dead, and his two joker friends are back with him. He says something profound…. “Every man should lose everything at least once in life.” I JUST LOST AN HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES OF MY LIFE!!!!! And the triple bladed sword makes as much of an impact as… NOTHING!!! NOT A THING!!!! They manage to screw even that much up, and this movie reeks of filth and vomit! TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE?!?!?!! What is wrong with Albert Pyun?!?!!
1 out of 5.