Black Dynamite
Michael Jai White is the titular hero in this throwback parody to the blaxploitation films of days long gone by. But, honestly, that's just way too simple of a description for what was one of the most entertaining, intelligent, and hilarious films I've seen in a long long time. It was such a whiplashing change from some of the crap I've been reviewing that I'm finding it a little hard to focus my thoughts on writing this review! White not only acts but is the primary creator and writer for this over the top action comedy. Take every single hero from those films in the past, throw them in a blender and send them through a strainer that leaves only the most awesome aspects and you have Black Dynamite. He's a tough, no-nonsense, martial arts bad ass who used to be a CIA agent sometime after a rough tour in vietnam and he now spends his time protecting the abused ho's from their pimps while cleaning up the neighborhood and pleasin' ALLLL the ladies. He's got a rhyming sidekick, the help of the black militants in the area, and a righteous woman who ain't no fool for that sly wink and sexy smile of his. And after The Man kills his brother, gets the neighborhood orphans hooked on smack, and then try to kill him and a couple of his friends, well that just sets Black Dynamite on the path of righteous vengeance with a martial arts fury that can NOT be stopped! He's takin' his fight to The Man, and I mean ALL ... THE ... WAY!!!! BOOYAH!!!
Okay, seriously, this film has one of the single most hilarious and awesome finale's I've seen in a long time. Black Dynamite faces off against the mob, the police, the CIA, Kung Fu Treachery, crazy bitches that need some slappin' down, and he does it all with a fresh soundtrack that seems straight out of the seventies or late sixties with funk guitar and lyrics that describe precisely what's happening on the screen. There are so many random moments in this movie that help it find it's mark straight and dead on, from dropping boom mics to misspoken dialogue, to cut scenes that suddenly replace actors and stuntmen, that I found myself laughing until my sides split. Unlike some films, Black Dynamite doesn't focus on these hilarious moments... instead; they happen, and you're left wondering if you just saw what you thought you saw, and you laugh a few beats after the moment. One scene, in particular, has a couple of thugs shooting at Dynamite and then trying to make their getaway. They leap into the car and reach to shut the door... but the sudden drop in weight got the door stuck up on the curb, so there's a split second where the thug is yanking on the door, and in the next cut he's driving off. HILARIOUS!!!! But let's take a moment to look at the unbelievably fantastically beautiful dialogue... and I QUOTE:
O'Leary: We heard about your brother's death and we don't want you running around turning the streets into rivers of blood.
Black Dynamite: Then tell me who did it and I'll just leave a puddle.
That's Black Dynamite in a nutshell. So if I haven't convinced you of the fact yet, you best get your ass out and wrangle yourself a copy before this bad muthaf****er comes over and pimpslaps your ass into the china cabinet, fools!
5 out of goddamn 5, BITCHES!
BITCHSLAP
What the holy hell happened to my bad luck with movies? Did I step on a damn leprachaun on my way home from the drudgery of work? Okay, this didn't even sound all that good from the outset as three vixens are looking to dig up some secret score out in the desert. A pyscho ex-con, a stripper, and a bad ass cold hearted bitch with a secret past just kidnapped and tortured some crooked cop who happens to work for the mysterious and deadly "Pinky" in order to find the stash of diamonds in the aftermath of some terrible incident several months earlier. We get to see some of the story in elaborate "green screen" flashbacks, building up to the inevitable cat fights, betrayals, all wrapped in over the top sex and violence with strange characters and a twisted sense of humor. It's so gratuitous that I couldn't stop laughing or cheering as we'd see the "ladies" perform a few slow motion teasing grinds with their bodies mere moments before the action would kick up and wrench the violence up with balls to the wall intensity. Bitch Slap never stops to apologize for a single bit of it's cheesy dialogue or try to be something more important than the campy sleeze grindhouse throwback that it was meant to be.
Another 5 out of 5? WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!!
Am I in a good mood or something? Why am I giving such great ratings for these movies? Dangit... this is all your fault, Cabin Fever 2... if you hadn't sucked so bad I'd have probably paid more attention to the faults in each of these features. But no, you had to suck so badly that you probably ruined my whole taste in movies!
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