Birdemic: Shock And Terror
I once saw a dead bird lying to the side of a nearly desolate road getting picked apart by maggots and other insects. I was riding my bike on a hot day and the smell twisted my gut and forced me to stop, forced me to glance in that direction and I was absolutely awed by the wretchedness of the sight. Drying blood had become brown on the asphalt, little squirming maggots feasted on the moistest parts, and the poor avian creatures’ beak was partly open to reveal more things squirming inside. Flies were buzzing around its body. It was horrible and ghastly, but an oddly compelling image that has stayed with me throughout the years. I don’t really want it in my head but it will always be there. And so will Birdemic. I was enthralled with the ineptitude of this cinematic debacle. This film manages to get every aspect of the medium wrong. From plot to visuals to acting and even the sound, the film is an absolute tragedy to the art and an irredeemable mess in every way possible.
I think about that bird on the road, a desiccated and rotting thing devoured by maggots and how it’s been seared in my minds’ eye. The theme music begins and it’s very loud… and then very soft… and then very loud and the credits roll over a video montage of a small coastal town along the California coast. The wind blows across the camera’s mic constantly and we finally focus on a slowly moving car driven by our films protagonist. Vacantly staring into the abyss, our hero somehow manages to suck any possible emotion from each and every word he speaks with all the qualities of a nervous robot. He awkwardly walks, slowly, from one place to another without daring to swing his arms in fear that too much action might just wear him out. He meets the films other protagonist, a girl who sat in front of him in High School and who is now a fashion model and who he has somehow found the courage to finally ask out on a date. She never stops smiling. Her lips seem to be constantly peeled back from her gleaming white teeth and her eyes are pulled open by invisible fish-hooks. Maggots were eating the eyes of that dead bird on the road.
After offering various concessions and a fifty percent discount on a product, our “hero” eventually makes a big million dollar sale and spends the next first third of the film showcasing the writers absolute ignorance regarding economics in the market place. He follows this up with a brutally awkward first date that includes immediate talk about marriage and starting a family. I never talked about that dead bird on a single date I’ve been on. I think it might be wrong. And when our Hero decides to start up his own business, selling solar panels that use nano-technology, he’s a huge success who rounds up his next big sale in the range of one billion dollars. This entire first act of the film continually builds on our heroes budding relationship with the back-drop of looming environmental catastrophe.
The birds attack.
I stared in open mouthed “shock and terror.” I don’t want to tell you why right now. I can’t tell you why. Please don’t make me remember this?!?!!! Fine… FINE!!! GIF level CGI… we are talking card board cutouts digitally inserted into the film at random points and slowly flapping their wings while floating in place around the characters forced to interact with the lamest special effect EVER put on film. A trip to the dollar store for fake birds and fishing line would have created a better effect, good god! But that first shot is a thing of special beauty… video footage of a town with superimposed images of these birds attacking, dive bombing, exploding, and otherwise creating mayhem. None of these buildings actually explode, mind you… the image of an explosion is simply super-imposed over the building.
I wondered, briefly, if a bird might mistakenly believe I had been responsible for the death of this lone crow and fly at my head. I was twelve at the time. I vividly remember wondering if I would be able to fend it off from me. I never once considered the use of a coat-hanger. And yet our heroes immediately set forth armed with coat hangers and leap into a van where the local Iraqi veteran has stashed a fully automatic rifle and his side-arm. And they drive off for the next act, a wandering and rambling mess of narrative that includes scene after scene of bird carnage and environment catastrophe. And we wander… and we wander… and we pick up two children along the edge of a deserted highway where several cars just kept driving across the edge of the picture frame and the microphone picked up various engine roars. We follow the characters as they dare to enter a small market, get some lunch, and then go on a FREAKIN’ PICNIC ON THE BEACH!!!!! THIS MOVIE IS STUPID!!! STUPID!!!! KILL ME!!! KILL THE MEMORY!!!!
Finally, our heroes face great hardship when they start to lose members of their party. The soldiers’ girlfriend is killed while squatting on the side of the road and the soldier is killed after he attempts to rescue several people stranded on a tour bus. Do you want to know what kills him? This is spoiler territory here… SCREW YOU MOVIE!!!! The birds piss acid on him and the other trapped people! THEY PISS ACID ON THEM!!!!
No, I’m not going to spoil any more of this film for you. I’m done. I’m done with this review. I’m just flat out done. I don’t know if it can ever get much worse than this film… I don’t know if I can handle a film worse than this gadawful monstrosity and I don’t know if I ever want to challenge myself again on this. So, despite the fact that this is the worst film I’ve ever seen… I’m staring at the images in my head and I realize that there is an absolute ugliness to this work and it has to be seen. I can’t dissuade you from putting the DVD in your own player, I can’t keep you from pressing the button, and I don’t want to. I want you to understand what this film is, I want you to understand what I see and what I feel. I recommend that you sit back and watch Birdemic: Shock and Terror in all its wretched glory.
0 out of 5.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mighty Thor!!! (review)
The new Comic book adaptation of "The Mighty Thor" is a fairly loose adaptation of the source material. As much as it thrills me to see the God of Thunder brought to life, I've never really been that big of a fan of the comic itself. The whole Donald Blake persona never really hit a spot with me, the romance with his nurse never meant anything to me, and the series was always at it's best when he was just the visiting God of Thunder. So a fair majority of the back story from source material is either ignored or thrown out with nod and a wink to the fans. For the typical fan boy, this is either going to be a great adaptation of some fairly difficult material... or they're going to feel cheated and insulted by the smallness of Thor's scale. Most of the film takes place in the desert or on a sound stage with plenty of green screen CGI effects. It's loud like a summer blockbuster should be, it's action packed, and it caters to the absolute lowest denominator with a constant barrage of low-brow humor and "ass-kicking awesomeness." With that said... I was roughly three steps away from hating the shit storm when I saw the flicker of hope. More on that soon enough.
Anthony Hopkins headlines this film along with Natalie Portman, both of whom chew their dialogue into mulch. Not since Liam Neesons' portrayal of Zeus has an actor given more to his craft. Hopkins is tired... you can tell because he hunches his shoulders, winces with each step, and staggers through every scene with the look of a man who seriously needs to take a crap. I figured that Odin would eventually fall into his deep sleep, but the first third of the film pretty much revolves around him berating the God of Thunder in front of Loki. But as far as Hopkins took the ridiculousness of his role, Natalie Portman seemed intent on making the All Father seem "subtle" by comparison. Portman's blistering smile peels away from her teeth with "awkward pretty nerd goodness" with all the regularity of a John Hughes virgin. She's accompanied by a wisecracking college freshmen hoping to earn some credits for her work with Portmans' scientist character. The sole purpose of this character is to make pop-culture referenced jokes at every opportunity. The heroic science team is rounded up with the presence of a surly professor overseeing the younger Portman's bizarre project of studying... does it fucking matter?!?!?!! Seriously??? It was typical Star Trek gibberish and it doesn't actually MEAN anything... except that the myth and magic surrounding Thor is utterly decimated and replaced with "Alien Technology" on Earth. THE FUCK?!?!?!?!!
Deep breath... because the shining light is on the horizon. Kenneth Branagh takes a shitty script with rotten dialogue and he actually polishes this turd up and creates a thrilling story of his own. Chris Hemsworth is absolutely FANTASTIC as Thor, and Tom Hiddleston chooses a much more subtle and extremely humble approach to playing Loki. And the film is at its best when the focus is on these two characters, and Branagh seems to make certain that editing put the attention on these two characters throughout the course of the film. So while the first third of the film seems destined for a brutal assault on our senses, the project comes together in the second and final acts. The annoying characters fall to the wayside and we're watching Loki fall from grace as Thor struggles to redeem himself.
So, look... this isn't going to be a faithful adaptation of the source material. It sort of feels more like a precursor to The Avengers, reducing the mythology of Thor to some extent in order to preserve the super science of Marvels other signature characters. But it's a fun ride and Hemsworth is fantastic in the lead, so it's definitely worth a watch.
4 out of 5.
Anthony Hopkins headlines this film along with Natalie Portman, both of whom chew their dialogue into mulch. Not since Liam Neesons' portrayal of Zeus has an actor given more to his craft. Hopkins is tired... you can tell because he hunches his shoulders, winces with each step, and staggers through every scene with the look of a man who seriously needs to take a crap. I figured that Odin would eventually fall into his deep sleep, but the first third of the film pretty much revolves around him berating the God of Thunder in front of Loki. But as far as Hopkins took the ridiculousness of his role, Natalie Portman seemed intent on making the All Father seem "subtle" by comparison. Portman's blistering smile peels away from her teeth with "awkward pretty nerd goodness" with all the regularity of a John Hughes virgin. She's accompanied by a wisecracking college freshmen hoping to earn some credits for her work with Portmans' scientist character. The sole purpose of this character is to make pop-culture referenced jokes at every opportunity. The heroic science team is rounded up with the presence of a surly professor overseeing the younger Portman's bizarre project of studying... does it fucking matter?!?!?!! Seriously??? It was typical Star Trek gibberish and it doesn't actually MEAN anything... except that the myth and magic surrounding Thor is utterly decimated and replaced with "Alien Technology" on Earth. THE FUCK?!?!?!?!!
Deep breath... because the shining light is on the horizon. Kenneth Branagh takes a shitty script with rotten dialogue and he actually polishes this turd up and creates a thrilling story of his own. Chris Hemsworth is absolutely FANTASTIC as Thor, and Tom Hiddleston chooses a much more subtle and extremely humble approach to playing Loki. And the film is at its best when the focus is on these two characters, and Branagh seems to make certain that editing put the attention on these two characters throughout the course of the film. So while the first third of the film seems destined for a brutal assault on our senses, the project comes together in the second and final acts. The annoying characters fall to the wayside and we're watching Loki fall from grace as Thor struggles to redeem himself.
So, look... this isn't going to be a faithful adaptation of the source material. It sort of feels more like a precursor to The Avengers, reducing the mythology of Thor to some extent in order to preserve the super science of Marvels other signature characters. But it's a fun ride and Hemsworth is fantastic in the lead, so it's definitely worth a watch.
4 out of 5.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sucker Punch
"Sucker Punch"
Zack Snyder has already scored a number of points with me for his adaptations of "300" and "The Watchmen", so I was very excited to hear about "Sucker Punch" and saw it as the eye-candy piece it promised to be. I marked the date on the calender, I kept up to date on any changes to that date, and I made certain that I had no other plans to interfere with the viewing of this film. Hell, damnit, I was going to take the afternoon off work just for the chance to see this film. What followed was a series of minor frustrations as reviews painted a negative picture, the theater had technical difficulties, and the bleak weather outside threatened to rain out my entire week. I nearly backed out of my trip to the theater when I found out my son might be heading home early from school but my wife insisted I should go (Saving grace yet again, she deserves so much credit). So, the previews hit the screen and then the film began...
Nothing prepared me for Zack Snyders' vision. Alot of people are not going to "get" this film. That's a given... there's so much going on and the director doesn't really "explain" anything with the films narrative, leaving plenty for the audiences interpretation. A young woman ("Babydoll", played by Emily Browning) is thrown into an insane asylum by her evil stepfather after the death of her mother. She is scheduled to undergo a lobotomy by the corrupt orderly who runs most of the asylum, and she meets the institutes psychiatrist (Carla Cugino) whose introduction sparks the sudden spiral into Babydoll's "fantasy world" where the film dives head first into a second level story. "Babydoll" is now sold into prostitution where the Orderly is actually a pimp, the other patients have become prostitutes desperate to escape their sordid world, and their psychiatrist is now a dance instructor paid to keep them in shape and in line. And Babydoll formulates a plan to escape this nightmare and her own reality, where we find a third layer when Babydoll begins her own "dance" routines... a fantasy world within her fantasy world, where a wise teacher offers tools, advice, and guides the girls through several missions. All of these things lead Babydoll to her redemption and escape from the reality of her real world nightmares.
Okay, and here is where the "fanboy" in me goes a little crazy.... STEAMPUNK-NAZI-ZOMBIES!!!! YES YES YES!!!! Missions in that third level of fantasy include fight with zombies, samurai warriors, mech robots, aliens, cyborgs, orcs, goblins, a dragon, and on and on and on... it's pure GEEK-GASM!!! Sucker Punch never lets up on the assault as Zack Snyder delivers a great story within a story and allows everything to come together nicely for a finely executed ending that goes beyond the Hollywood norm. This isn't some whitewashed film sent through marketing for approval... this is pure art and it's a great beginning for the career of Zack Snyder. His visual style and narrative techniques never condescend and he gives his audience the respect of finding their own interpretations without spelling out every detail through dialogue. I look forward to more work from this talented young man and urge everyone to check out Sucker Punch. You won't be sorry.
Zack Snyder has already scored a number of points with me for his adaptations of "300" and "The Watchmen", so I was very excited to hear about "Sucker Punch" and saw it as the eye-candy piece it promised to be. I marked the date on the calender, I kept up to date on any changes to that date, and I made certain that I had no other plans to interfere with the viewing of this film. Hell, damnit, I was going to take the afternoon off work just for the chance to see this film. What followed was a series of minor frustrations as reviews painted a negative picture, the theater had technical difficulties, and the bleak weather outside threatened to rain out my entire week. I nearly backed out of my trip to the theater when I found out my son might be heading home early from school but my wife insisted I should go (Saving grace yet again, she deserves so much credit). So, the previews hit the screen and then the film began...
Nothing prepared me for Zack Snyders' vision. Alot of people are not going to "get" this film. That's a given... there's so much going on and the director doesn't really "explain" anything with the films narrative, leaving plenty for the audiences interpretation. A young woman ("Babydoll", played by Emily Browning) is thrown into an insane asylum by her evil stepfather after the death of her mother. She is scheduled to undergo a lobotomy by the corrupt orderly who runs most of the asylum, and she meets the institutes psychiatrist (Carla Cugino) whose introduction sparks the sudden spiral into Babydoll's "fantasy world" where the film dives head first into a second level story. "Babydoll" is now sold into prostitution where the Orderly is actually a pimp, the other patients have become prostitutes desperate to escape their sordid world, and their psychiatrist is now a dance instructor paid to keep them in shape and in line. And Babydoll formulates a plan to escape this nightmare and her own reality, where we find a third layer when Babydoll begins her own "dance" routines... a fantasy world within her fantasy world, where a wise teacher offers tools, advice, and guides the girls through several missions. All of these things lead Babydoll to her redemption and escape from the reality of her real world nightmares.
Okay, and here is where the "fanboy" in me goes a little crazy.... STEAMPUNK-NAZI-ZOMBIES!!!! YES YES YES!!!! Missions in that third level of fantasy include fight with zombies, samurai warriors, mech robots, aliens, cyborgs, orcs, goblins, a dragon, and on and on and on... it's pure GEEK-GASM!!! Sucker Punch never lets up on the assault as Zack Snyder delivers a great story within a story and allows everything to come together nicely for a finely executed ending that goes beyond the Hollywood norm. This isn't some whitewashed film sent through marketing for approval... this is pure art and it's a great beginning for the career of Zack Snyder. His visual style and narrative techniques never condescend and he gives his audience the respect of finding their own interpretations without spelling out every detail through dialogue. I look forward to more work from this talented young man and urge everyone to check out Sucker Punch. You won't be sorry.
A Clockwork Orange: (Live at the Paper Wing Theatre)
"A Clockwork Orange"
Originally adapted for the screen by Stanley Kubrick, Anthony Burgess' novel explores free will in a dystopian society where the Government has asserted control over many facets of peoples lives. I saw the film a number of times in my youth, but it's the novel itself that has held the greatest impact for me. It's a bleak look into a dark future and leaves plenty of room for discussion, debate, and philosophical consideration of liberty, responsibility, and security. Although adapted for stage and screen in various incarnations, it's Kubricks satyrical vision that drives L.J. Brewers adaptation of the material. The set is beautifully designed with solid shapes and colors against a bleak grey backdrop and graffitti covering the walls of one third the stage. A white sheet and backlight serves as a shadow cast for a number of scenes, allowing the audience to imagine some of the plays most intense scenes. Music fills the play with synthetic and haunting sound from the film as well as some additional choices.
The shows protagonist, Alex DeLarge, is tackled by actor Tyler Vocelka. Tyler's performance is animated, his eyes delivering brilliant reactions to various situations and bringing both humor and menace to the show. He leads his "droogs" through an opening series of "ultra-violent" acts culminating in the vicious home invasion as Tyler belted out "Singin' in the Rain" to chilling effect. Nicholas Kelly, Drew Davis-Wheeler, and Jeff Collenberg are "Dim", "Georgie", and "Pete" and each performer is well suited to their role. As we explore Alex's world we meet his parents (Kelly Machado and Michael Alliman) and Mr. Deltoid (his probation officer played by Jay DeVine). Alex eventually finds himself in Prison after a betrayal from his gang.
All of the actors did a stunning job of presenting the first act. Hardened as I am to some of the scenes presented through a television screen, it was hard to watch some of the scenes taking place a mere twenty or thirty feet from my seat. The scene in the Alexander home nearly drove my eyes to my palms and sent an uncomfortable knot through my stomach as Alex and Dim went to work on the courageous woman (actress: Marlinda Mooneyham) with a pair of scissors and a song. Shane Dallman and Edward Couttolenc (as police officers) eventually bring Alex to justice and we see the mockery of justice in this dystopian society when Mr. Deltoid joins in the taunting of young Alex.
The second act begins with an incredibly humorous Chief Guard (Eric Morton)belting out a list of Alex's personal belongings. Alex is to serve a 14 year sentence, but we rejoin him after two years as he discusses the Ludovico Treatment with the Prison Chaplain (Michael Alliman). It isn't long before Alex is subjected to the Pavlovian treatment and released to a cruel world. There are so many great performances throughout the second act, but it was Tyler's very personal torture that forced this viewer to actually turn his head from the treatment itself. His choking, gagging, and horrified screams became increasingly empassioned and you could feel everything in this young actors performance. When the cold Dr. Branom (Koly McBride) questions Alex about the music, the audience can see the degree of uncertainty before the treatment continues.
So, if you live in the Monterey area and want to see a faithful adaption of one of the most controversial and brutal films ever made than I highly recommend attending the Paper Wing Theatre's adaptation of "A Clockwork Orange". It perfectly illustrates my assertion that art isn't safe and often needs to expose the ugliest parts of humanity in order to make us think. The performers courageously tackle some extremely uncomfortable material and they deserve your regard. Support your local arts.
Originally adapted for the screen by Stanley Kubrick, Anthony Burgess' novel explores free will in a dystopian society where the Government has asserted control over many facets of peoples lives. I saw the film a number of times in my youth, but it's the novel itself that has held the greatest impact for me. It's a bleak look into a dark future and leaves plenty of room for discussion, debate, and philosophical consideration of liberty, responsibility, and security. Although adapted for stage and screen in various incarnations, it's Kubricks satyrical vision that drives L.J. Brewers adaptation of the material. The set is beautifully designed with solid shapes and colors against a bleak grey backdrop and graffitti covering the walls of one third the stage. A white sheet and backlight serves as a shadow cast for a number of scenes, allowing the audience to imagine some of the plays most intense scenes. Music fills the play with synthetic and haunting sound from the film as well as some additional choices.
The shows protagonist, Alex DeLarge, is tackled by actor Tyler Vocelka. Tyler's performance is animated, his eyes delivering brilliant reactions to various situations and bringing both humor and menace to the show. He leads his "droogs" through an opening series of "ultra-violent" acts culminating in the vicious home invasion as Tyler belted out "Singin' in the Rain" to chilling effect. Nicholas Kelly, Drew Davis-Wheeler, and Jeff Collenberg are "Dim", "Georgie", and "Pete" and each performer is well suited to their role. As we explore Alex's world we meet his parents (Kelly Machado and Michael Alliman) and Mr. Deltoid (his probation officer played by Jay DeVine). Alex eventually finds himself in Prison after a betrayal from his gang.
All of the actors did a stunning job of presenting the first act. Hardened as I am to some of the scenes presented through a television screen, it was hard to watch some of the scenes taking place a mere twenty or thirty feet from my seat. The scene in the Alexander home nearly drove my eyes to my palms and sent an uncomfortable knot through my stomach as Alex and Dim went to work on the courageous woman (actress: Marlinda Mooneyham) with a pair of scissors and a song. Shane Dallman and Edward Couttolenc (as police officers) eventually bring Alex to justice and we see the mockery of justice in this dystopian society when Mr. Deltoid joins in the taunting of young Alex.
The second act begins with an incredibly humorous Chief Guard (Eric Morton)belting out a list of Alex's personal belongings. Alex is to serve a 14 year sentence, but we rejoin him after two years as he discusses the Ludovico Treatment with the Prison Chaplain (Michael Alliman). It isn't long before Alex is subjected to the Pavlovian treatment and released to a cruel world. There are so many great performances throughout the second act, but it was Tyler's very personal torture that forced this viewer to actually turn his head from the treatment itself. His choking, gagging, and horrified screams became increasingly empassioned and you could feel everything in this young actors performance. When the cold Dr. Branom (Koly McBride) questions Alex about the music, the audience can see the degree of uncertainty before the treatment continues.
So, if you live in the Monterey area and want to see a faithful adaption of one of the most controversial and brutal films ever made than I highly recommend attending the Paper Wing Theatre's adaptation of "A Clockwork Orange". It perfectly illustrates my assertion that art isn't safe and often needs to expose the ugliest parts of humanity in order to make us think. The performers courageously tackle some extremely uncomfortable material and they deserve your regard. Support your local arts.
Monday, December 13, 2010
3 Reviews!!! Voyage, House, Operation:Endgame.
Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
I fell in love with Narnia during the Third Grade. Our teacher had assigned “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” as required reading for that year, followed by a series of writing assignments that explored mythology in other cultures. They were fairly basic assignments, but I was instilled with a love for fantasy that continues to this day. After devouring the first book in the series, I dove head first into the entire series and have often returned several times over the many years to reread the stories of C.S. Lewis. I know there’s a chronological disturbance with “The Magicians Nephew” and “The Final Battle” is not exactly one of my favorite books, but when it comes down to the nitty and the gritty… “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” is probably the most intimate and introduces my favorite character in the series. It begins to tell the tale of a doubting, petulant, and arrogant young boy named Eustace as he joins cousins Lucy and Edmund on one of their adventures to Narnia.
That’s right, faceless reader. My favorite character in the series is also the character that has received the largest number of complaints, including a claim from our local paper that child abuse advocates would probably like to smack him across the face. But it’s not about who he IS, it’s about who he is becoming and the choices that are laid out before him. Voyage of the Dawn Treader is about choice, temptation, and redemption. Oh yes, the strong Christian themes are here and I am just fine with that little oddity in modern cinema. Maybe this is where “Voyage” becomes a little harder to swallow for the public? It is no secret that Fantasy and Theology aren’t precisely great partners, with large Christian fundamentalist groups taking their numerous stands against D&D, Heavy Metal Music, Horror Movies, and the Harry Potter franchise. Additionally, large numbers of Fantasy film fans are tired of feeling pilloried by that same fundamentalist community and aren’t eager to feel the pangs of Christian Spirituality mixed with their Minotaur’s. No character is as great a symbol of intolerance AND salvation as that of Eustace, creating an extremely polarizing character for any potential viewer. Oh, the places we could go with a character study on him… but let’s just focus a bit more on the movie, shall we?
Lucy and Edmund return to Narnia and aid Prince Caspian in his quest to find Seven Lords that were once loyal to his father. His uncle had them banished to some Islands off the coast of the mainland. A growing evil has taken root near the border to Aslans’ Country, threatening the islands as villainous slavers force people there to make ritual sacrifices. Unlike the previous entries, Voyage is much less epic of an adventure and focuses more on the personal struggles of the ships crew as they travel from one island to the next in a desperate bid to seek out the Lords, their swords, and stop this growing menace. The special effects team really outdoes their previous entries by showing a certain degree of restraint and saving the most stunning visuals for when they will count the most. Indeed, the sea serpent is probably one of the most frightening and horrific things I’ve EVER seen on the big screen and it promises to give me nightmares for years to come.
5 out of 5. Definitely one of the most worthwhile films of the year for me.
House
I have found the Holy Grail! In my quest for the weird and the bizarre, I have delved into visions of the nightmarish and the perverse. I have seen the brutal, the strange, and the beautiful and the politically charged to the nonsensical whimsy of madness. I have seen just about everything there is to see in the world of cinematic art, forgetting some and endlessly haunted by others. But nothing holds a candle to the simple bizarreness of this unique “horror” import from Japan. In what may seem like a simple enough story, nothing could ever prepare you for the oddball lunacy that is unleashed with a viewing of “House”.
Gorgeous is a young teen girl whose family vacation is ruined by the appearance of her fathers’ fiancée. Rather than allowing the woman to join them, she sets out to visit her Aunt in the country and brings along a group of friends with a bizarre list of nicknames. Kung-Fu, Fantasy, Mac, Melody, Sweetness, and Prof are excited to be spending time together with their beautiful friend and have absolutely no idea that the girls’ Aunt harbors a deadly secret. With that said… THE FREAKIN’ HOUSE STARTS EATING THEM!!!! No, no no no no no… not eating them, really, but kind of yeah. Okay, it starts to devour them a few pieces at a time but they’re still alive… so we have randomly floating limbs, screaming teenage girls, geysers of blood, a mewling cat, furniture that hops around and attacks people, and people getting turned into bananas after drinking soup with bears. I’m not sure what the heck is going on at any point in this movie, except that this is by far the weirdest film I’ve ever seen. Things happen for no apparent reason, people spout out lines of dialogue that make NO sense… and then more things start to happen. And I’m staring at the screen with the distinct impression that someone else HAS to be watching my response, because this movie is MESSED up.
This is it…. This is the strangest movie I’ve ever seen. I decided to watch some of the extra’s on the DVD, but once I saw the name Ti West my brain sort of folded in on itself and wrapped into a tight little knot. This guy starts talking about the movie as if he’s EVER made a decent film in his life and I’m trying to figure out why this even matters… when I remembered that there are journalists and reviewers out there who will swear by House of the Devil as being the greatest horror movie of the past five years. I looked at this movie and tried to figure out why Ti West, the man who films a girl refilling her glass of water multiple times, has any sort of say in regards to this film. And I listened to him speak… at the end of the day, his comments could be regarded as this: “This is the strangest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s like a childs nightmare.” Congratulations, doofus! You state the obvious…
This movie deserves 4 out of 5. The Ti West commentary after the film in the special features seems perfectly nonsensical with regard to the rest of the film. It’s like asking Eli Roth to do an interview on the special features portion of “On Golden Pond” because Cabin Fever took place in a cabin near a lake. I don’t get it.
Operation: Endgame
Two government assassination squads are forced to kill one another in this extremely dark comedy. The basic premise introduces “Joker” to his new assignment, a covert operations assassination team devoted to furthering the interests of the U.S. government. Their opposing squad, set up decades earlier, is also devoted to furthering the interests… so it’s never really clear where their major differences lay, save that they both work as top secret cover operation squads on the fringe of legality. The events of the film coincide with the change of administrations, the aftermath of an operation gone wrong, and orders to shut down all operations and destroy all data related to their activities. Joker is a seemingly innocent bystander caught up in events, desperate to find a way out of the facility before the entire place is flooded with hot napalm and fiery death.
As much as this film REEKS of political propaganda, the story is actually really good and could have worked with just about any change of political power. As it is, we are often brought into current events with snips of public speeches from “then” newly elected President, Barack Obama. Steve Cordell, “Daily Show” regular, is heavily featured as a middle-aged and extremely burned out senior agent struggling with alcoholism, regret, and the impending psychological breakdown of a man in his line of work. All of the characters are homicidally insane, except for two lackeys left to monitor events on video feeds. Zack Gaffigan, Ellen Barkin, and other cast mates round out an interesting ensemble in the tradition of “Heathers” and ‘Very Bad Things” with characters holding secret plans, grudges, and orders for one betrayal after another.
3.5 out of 5.
I fell in love with Narnia during the Third Grade. Our teacher had assigned “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” as required reading for that year, followed by a series of writing assignments that explored mythology in other cultures. They were fairly basic assignments, but I was instilled with a love for fantasy that continues to this day. After devouring the first book in the series, I dove head first into the entire series and have often returned several times over the many years to reread the stories of C.S. Lewis. I know there’s a chronological disturbance with “The Magicians Nephew” and “The Final Battle” is not exactly one of my favorite books, but when it comes down to the nitty and the gritty… “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” is probably the most intimate and introduces my favorite character in the series. It begins to tell the tale of a doubting, petulant, and arrogant young boy named Eustace as he joins cousins Lucy and Edmund on one of their adventures to Narnia.
That’s right, faceless reader. My favorite character in the series is also the character that has received the largest number of complaints, including a claim from our local paper that child abuse advocates would probably like to smack him across the face. But it’s not about who he IS, it’s about who he is becoming and the choices that are laid out before him. Voyage of the Dawn Treader is about choice, temptation, and redemption. Oh yes, the strong Christian themes are here and I am just fine with that little oddity in modern cinema. Maybe this is where “Voyage” becomes a little harder to swallow for the public? It is no secret that Fantasy and Theology aren’t precisely great partners, with large Christian fundamentalist groups taking their numerous stands against D&D, Heavy Metal Music, Horror Movies, and the Harry Potter franchise. Additionally, large numbers of Fantasy film fans are tired of feeling pilloried by that same fundamentalist community and aren’t eager to feel the pangs of Christian Spirituality mixed with their Minotaur’s. No character is as great a symbol of intolerance AND salvation as that of Eustace, creating an extremely polarizing character for any potential viewer. Oh, the places we could go with a character study on him… but let’s just focus a bit more on the movie, shall we?
Lucy and Edmund return to Narnia and aid Prince Caspian in his quest to find Seven Lords that were once loyal to his father. His uncle had them banished to some Islands off the coast of the mainland. A growing evil has taken root near the border to Aslans’ Country, threatening the islands as villainous slavers force people there to make ritual sacrifices. Unlike the previous entries, Voyage is much less epic of an adventure and focuses more on the personal struggles of the ships crew as they travel from one island to the next in a desperate bid to seek out the Lords, their swords, and stop this growing menace. The special effects team really outdoes their previous entries by showing a certain degree of restraint and saving the most stunning visuals for when they will count the most. Indeed, the sea serpent is probably one of the most frightening and horrific things I’ve EVER seen on the big screen and it promises to give me nightmares for years to come.
5 out of 5. Definitely one of the most worthwhile films of the year for me.
House
I have found the Holy Grail! In my quest for the weird and the bizarre, I have delved into visions of the nightmarish and the perverse. I have seen the brutal, the strange, and the beautiful and the politically charged to the nonsensical whimsy of madness. I have seen just about everything there is to see in the world of cinematic art, forgetting some and endlessly haunted by others. But nothing holds a candle to the simple bizarreness of this unique “horror” import from Japan. In what may seem like a simple enough story, nothing could ever prepare you for the oddball lunacy that is unleashed with a viewing of “House”.
Gorgeous is a young teen girl whose family vacation is ruined by the appearance of her fathers’ fiancée. Rather than allowing the woman to join them, she sets out to visit her Aunt in the country and brings along a group of friends with a bizarre list of nicknames. Kung-Fu, Fantasy, Mac, Melody, Sweetness, and Prof are excited to be spending time together with their beautiful friend and have absolutely no idea that the girls’ Aunt harbors a deadly secret. With that said… THE FREAKIN’ HOUSE STARTS EATING THEM!!!! No, no no no no no… not eating them, really, but kind of yeah. Okay, it starts to devour them a few pieces at a time but they’re still alive… so we have randomly floating limbs, screaming teenage girls, geysers of blood, a mewling cat, furniture that hops around and attacks people, and people getting turned into bananas after drinking soup with bears. I’m not sure what the heck is going on at any point in this movie, except that this is by far the weirdest film I’ve ever seen. Things happen for no apparent reason, people spout out lines of dialogue that make NO sense… and then more things start to happen. And I’m staring at the screen with the distinct impression that someone else HAS to be watching my response, because this movie is MESSED up.
This is it…. This is the strangest movie I’ve ever seen. I decided to watch some of the extra’s on the DVD, but once I saw the name Ti West my brain sort of folded in on itself and wrapped into a tight little knot. This guy starts talking about the movie as if he’s EVER made a decent film in his life and I’m trying to figure out why this even matters… when I remembered that there are journalists and reviewers out there who will swear by House of the Devil as being the greatest horror movie of the past five years. I looked at this movie and tried to figure out why Ti West, the man who films a girl refilling her glass of water multiple times, has any sort of say in regards to this film. And I listened to him speak… at the end of the day, his comments could be regarded as this: “This is the strangest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s like a childs nightmare.” Congratulations, doofus! You state the obvious…
This movie deserves 4 out of 5. The Ti West commentary after the film in the special features seems perfectly nonsensical with regard to the rest of the film. It’s like asking Eli Roth to do an interview on the special features portion of “On Golden Pond” because Cabin Fever took place in a cabin near a lake. I don’t get it.
Operation: Endgame
Two government assassination squads are forced to kill one another in this extremely dark comedy. The basic premise introduces “Joker” to his new assignment, a covert operations assassination team devoted to furthering the interests of the U.S. government. Their opposing squad, set up decades earlier, is also devoted to furthering the interests… so it’s never really clear where their major differences lay, save that they both work as top secret cover operation squads on the fringe of legality. The events of the film coincide with the change of administrations, the aftermath of an operation gone wrong, and orders to shut down all operations and destroy all data related to their activities. Joker is a seemingly innocent bystander caught up in events, desperate to find a way out of the facility before the entire place is flooded with hot napalm and fiery death.
As much as this film REEKS of political propaganda, the story is actually really good and could have worked with just about any change of political power. As it is, we are often brought into current events with snips of public speeches from “then” newly elected President, Barack Obama. Steve Cordell, “Daily Show” regular, is heavily featured as a middle-aged and extremely burned out senior agent struggling with alcoholism, regret, and the impending psychological breakdown of a man in his line of work. All of the characters are homicidally insane, except for two lackeys left to monitor events on video feeds. Zack Gaffigan, Ellen Barkin, and other cast mates round out an interesting ensemble in the tradition of “Heathers” and ‘Very Bad Things” with characters holding secret plans, grudges, and orders for one betrayal after another.
3.5 out of 5.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Jingle Belles Burlesque Show! Review?
Jingle Belles Burlesque at the Paper Wing Theater
Burlesque? What does that even mean these days? It’s a turn of phrase that conjures Betty Page imagery with tassels and jazz, maybe a little bit of the old vaudeville comedy, your general hodgepodge collection of talents focused around teasing dances and a fair number of naughty bits. For an odd-ball like me, it’s a big seller in attracting my attention and luring me in to a theater with a promise of something a little different. The Paper Wing Theatre plays host to a wonderful Christmas show featuring the proud traditions of Burlesque, complete with audience participation and awesome dance routines that run the range from naughty to silly to intense and just about everything else in between. Let me make this clear... Burlesque is NOT about stripping! It's a show that features dancing, playful teasing, and comedy.
My wife was roped in from the word “go” and was very eagerly anticipating the event. We wanted to rush the theater with a crowd of friends, all of us prepared to hoot and holler in support of the brave folks who would most certainly face a bit of a chill at the very least. But, friends mostly pulled out and we set forth on our journey for the opening night performance with my brother-in-law as an initiate to the theater’s atmosphere. We were met by my dear friend, Remo D, and his wife with whom I settled down in front row while my wife and her brother hovered behind us by a few rows. So we were all good and settled when the show began and our hostess hit the stage with a quick explanation of what “burlesque” was going to be all about and just what we might expect from the performance this evening. She introduced us to her cast, four women, two men, her stage crew, and Santa “The Pole” Clause.
The dancing was incredible. The opening number did everything it needed to do to introduce the audience to the show they had paid to see as a two dancing dolls were wound up by a very excited Santa. Each performer was featured in a number of signature pieces suited to the personalities of their characters; A teasing glove strip, the mixture of a poisonous love potion, a cute “fan” dance using gift boxes and ornaments for props, and a balloon dance featuring audience participation that even included yours truly popping a balloon. The intensity of a brutal tango number sent a hush through the crowd and a little shiver down my spine as the ladies told their story… passion, defiance, obsession, confusion, need, and desire building in each step and turn. The men were certainly not excluded from the festivities as “Lance Lightninghorse” found himself the victim of an amusing stalking that should be seen before being described. All of them were terrific numbers and the performers deserved all the applause, the hooting, the hollering, and the cat calls they received from their audience.
There were a number of sketches and singing bits, including an ode to “Bulemia” from Lightninghorse and a couple’s big decision regarding the “expansion” of their relationship. Continuing running gags between Santa and the Hostess made for a number of hilarious moments and male co-host “King” was a trooper when dealing with vocal enthusiasm from the audience itself. And, in one of those instances that went beyond simple audience participation, the “stage boy” found himself cheered and “encouraged” as he quickly went to work before and after a number of performances. All of the performances led to a fantastic finale that took the roof off with a great song from our hostess and the antics of her mischievous cast.
It’s a cold season. The Paper Wing offers warm entertainment with delicious hot drinks and a great cast of enthusiastic performers. Instead of shoveling out cash for the same old Hollywood theatrics that’ll wind up on a $10 DVD in three months, spend the evening in Monterey and catch this special Holliday engagement while it lasts. Experience something different with a great crowd. Happy Holidays!
5 out of 5.
Burlesque? What does that even mean these days? It’s a turn of phrase that conjures Betty Page imagery with tassels and jazz, maybe a little bit of the old vaudeville comedy, your general hodgepodge collection of talents focused around teasing dances and a fair number of naughty bits. For an odd-ball like me, it’s a big seller in attracting my attention and luring me in to a theater with a promise of something a little different. The Paper Wing Theatre plays host to a wonderful Christmas show featuring the proud traditions of Burlesque, complete with audience participation and awesome dance routines that run the range from naughty to silly to intense and just about everything else in between. Let me make this clear... Burlesque is NOT about stripping! It's a show that features dancing, playful teasing, and comedy.
My wife was roped in from the word “go” and was very eagerly anticipating the event. We wanted to rush the theater with a crowd of friends, all of us prepared to hoot and holler in support of the brave folks who would most certainly face a bit of a chill at the very least. But, friends mostly pulled out and we set forth on our journey for the opening night performance with my brother-in-law as an initiate to the theater’s atmosphere. We were met by my dear friend, Remo D, and his wife with whom I settled down in front row while my wife and her brother hovered behind us by a few rows. So we were all good and settled when the show began and our hostess hit the stage with a quick explanation of what “burlesque” was going to be all about and just what we might expect from the performance this evening. She introduced us to her cast, four women, two men, her stage crew, and Santa “The Pole” Clause.
The dancing was incredible. The opening number did everything it needed to do to introduce the audience to the show they had paid to see as a two dancing dolls were wound up by a very excited Santa. Each performer was featured in a number of signature pieces suited to the personalities of their characters; A teasing glove strip, the mixture of a poisonous love potion, a cute “fan” dance using gift boxes and ornaments for props, and a balloon dance featuring audience participation that even included yours truly popping a balloon. The intensity of a brutal tango number sent a hush through the crowd and a little shiver down my spine as the ladies told their story… passion, defiance, obsession, confusion, need, and desire building in each step and turn. The men were certainly not excluded from the festivities as “Lance Lightninghorse” found himself the victim of an amusing stalking that should be seen before being described. All of them were terrific numbers and the performers deserved all the applause, the hooting, the hollering, and the cat calls they received from their audience.
There were a number of sketches and singing bits, including an ode to “Bulemia” from Lightninghorse and a couple’s big decision regarding the “expansion” of their relationship. Continuing running gags between Santa and the Hostess made for a number of hilarious moments and male co-host “King” was a trooper when dealing with vocal enthusiasm from the audience itself. And, in one of those instances that went beyond simple audience participation, the “stage boy” found himself cheered and “encouraged” as he quickly went to work before and after a number of performances. All of the performances led to a fantastic finale that took the roof off with a great song from our hostess and the antics of her mischievous cast.
It’s a cold season. The Paper Wing offers warm entertainment with delicious hot drinks and a great cast of enthusiastic performers. Instead of shoveling out cash for the same old Hollywood theatrics that’ll wind up on a $10 DVD in three months, spend the evening in Monterey and catch this special Holliday engagement while it lasts. Experience something different with a great crowd. Happy Holidays!
5 out of 5.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
2 Reviews: Potter and Robogeisha
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
We have come a long way from where the series started; the relative safety of school and the guidance of both teachers and peers is gone and “The Deathly Hallows” forces a level of maturity on our lead characters that each actor rises to fulfill. Potter’s story has always been that of the classic Hero Quest and these are the darkest times within his path. Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters have come into power, forcing Harry to become a fugitive. We travel the length and breadth of the English countryside with visits to homes and neighborhoods within the Wizarding community, but mostly on the run through the vast European Wilderness. As always, he is accompanied by childhood friends; Hermione and Ron. Their quest to discover the horcruxes are darkly mirrored by Voldemorts’ own mission to obtain one of the objects of the “Deathly Hallows”, characters in a faerie myth passed down through the generations.
While many are praising the work of both Potter and Hermione, I thought Ron was the ultimate glue holding this film together and his presence also became the most heroic as he overcame feelings of his own doubt. He owns every scene and constantly provides an emotional connection with the audience as the most “human” of all the characters. Harry is the chosen one, Hermione is extraordinarily gifted, but it is Ron whose family is in constant danger and whose abilities are notably limited when faced with the dangers of their quest. We have a large host of well known Brits providing their talents in a number of limited “cameo” roles, but the story really is about these three young teens coming to grips with being alone in the world. Limiting their interaction with periphery characters becomes necessary, but the little peeks the audience gets into other lives and events does a good job of explaining just how alone they are.
I haven’t been this satisfied with the Potter series since The Chamber of Secrets. It ramps up the action, the suspense, and brings the story outside the relative safety of Hogwarts without the idea that Dumbledore will ride in at any moment to save them. More than worth seeing, this film is also worth seeing on the big screen for the absolutely stunning photography and brilliant European countryside.
5 out of 5.
Robo-Geisha
The Japanese “Gore” films are a sub-genre within a sub-genre buried beneath another sub-genre and require a certain taste in very strange things, a pseudo-punk mentality, and the ability to wrap your brain around imagery dedicated to the soul purpose of blowing out your optical nerves. The plots usually don’t make a lot of sense… they’re sort of threadbare storylines designed to set a hero against a band of colorful villains. They sort of throw in a cacophony of buzzing saws, fountains of blood, and severed parts flying across the screen while bizarre body modifications are used in an aggressive twist. Limbs transform into waving phallic tentacles, razor filled mouths open wide in the middle of stomachs, and so on so fort in the midst of combat scenes. Robo Geisha isn’t quite “Tokyo Gore Police” or “Machine Girl”, but it is far better than the abysmal “Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl”. The splatter punk outrageous comedy is ramped up with armpit blades, secret martial arts “geisha techniques”, and cybernetic implants complete with acidic discharge of bodily fluids.
The bitter rivalry and competitive relationship between two sisters takes center stage in the classic retelling of “My Brothers’ Keeper”. The two women are training to become Geisha, with the eldest sister well on her way to a successful career as the younger is forced to live in her shadow. They are kidnapped by an evil iron corporation with designs on world domination, or perhaps world destruction, and they are trained and modified throughout their imprisonment. The sisters betray one another, support one another, and receive a number of cybernetic implants designed to create better killers. We’re treated to a series of screaming, crying, battle stances, posing, and long-winded introduction of tertiary characters. These fools just as quickly die off in order to fill up a good hour’s worth of time before things start to get REALLY strange. One of the sisters makes a startling discovery, sending her into conflict with her creators and leading to the ultimate battle to save Tokyo from the corporations’ depredations! Yeah, we get a lot of fan service and plenty of grue to satisfy the bloodlust, but this film is just flat out WEIRD. Buildings come to life as giant robo-Kaiu designed to wreak havoc and step on hapless victims and smear them across Tokyo.
I’m not so sure I could really recommend the movie to others, but if this is your cup of tea then have a watch. It’s not a waste of time, at the very least. If it sounds like something you might like, you should probably check out the previously mentioned films in similar style. Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police are far better entries into this bizarre series of sub-sub-sub-genre work, better stories, acting, and effects and just as likely to leave you scratching your head. Robo Geisha is more like the least interesting in this selection, good enough to waste time with but not quite the feast of utterly strange Nippon extremism I’ve become accustomed to over the years.
3 out of 5.
We have come a long way from where the series started; the relative safety of school and the guidance of both teachers and peers is gone and “The Deathly Hallows” forces a level of maturity on our lead characters that each actor rises to fulfill. Potter’s story has always been that of the classic Hero Quest and these are the darkest times within his path. Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters have come into power, forcing Harry to become a fugitive. We travel the length and breadth of the English countryside with visits to homes and neighborhoods within the Wizarding community, but mostly on the run through the vast European Wilderness. As always, he is accompanied by childhood friends; Hermione and Ron. Their quest to discover the horcruxes are darkly mirrored by Voldemorts’ own mission to obtain one of the objects of the “Deathly Hallows”, characters in a faerie myth passed down through the generations.
While many are praising the work of both Potter and Hermione, I thought Ron was the ultimate glue holding this film together and his presence also became the most heroic as he overcame feelings of his own doubt. He owns every scene and constantly provides an emotional connection with the audience as the most “human” of all the characters. Harry is the chosen one, Hermione is extraordinarily gifted, but it is Ron whose family is in constant danger and whose abilities are notably limited when faced with the dangers of their quest. We have a large host of well known Brits providing their talents in a number of limited “cameo” roles, but the story really is about these three young teens coming to grips with being alone in the world. Limiting their interaction with periphery characters becomes necessary, but the little peeks the audience gets into other lives and events does a good job of explaining just how alone they are.
I haven’t been this satisfied with the Potter series since The Chamber of Secrets. It ramps up the action, the suspense, and brings the story outside the relative safety of Hogwarts without the idea that Dumbledore will ride in at any moment to save them. More than worth seeing, this film is also worth seeing on the big screen for the absolutely stunning photography and brilliant European countryside.
5 out of 5.
Robo-Geisha
The Japanese “Gore” films are a sub-genre within a sub-genre buried beneath another sub-genre and require a certain taste in very strange things, a pseudo-punk mentality, and the ability to wrap your brain around imagery dedicated to the soul purpose of blowing out your optical nerves. The plots usually don’t make a lot of sense… they’re sort of threadbare storylines designed to set a hero against a band of colorful villains. They sort of throw in a cacophony of buzzing saws, fountains of blood, and severed parts flying across the screen while bizarre body modifications are used in an aggressive twist. Limbs transform into waving phallic tentacles, razor filled mouths open wide in the middle of stomachs, and so on so fort in the midst of combat scenes. Robo Geisha isn’t quite “Tokyo Gore Police” or “Machine Girl”, but it is far better than the abysmal “Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl”. The splatter punk outrageous comedy is ramped up with armpit blades, secret martial arts “geisha techniques”, and cybernetic implants complete with acidic discharge of bodily fluids.
The bitter rivalry and competitive relationship between two sisters takes center stage in the classic retelling of “My Brothers’ Keeper”. The two women are training to become Geisha, with the eldest sister well on her way to a successful career as the younger is forced to live in her shadow. They are kidnapped by an evil iron corporation with designs on world domination, or perhaps world destruction, and they are trained and modified throughout their imprisonment. The sisters betray one another, support one another, and receive a number of cybernetic implants designed to create better killers. We’re treated to a series of screaming, crying, battle stances, posing, and long-winded introduction of tertiary characters. These fools just as quickly die off in order to fill up a good hour’s worth of time before things start to get REALLY strange. One of the sisters makes a startling discovery, sending her into conflict with her creators and leading to the ultimate battle to save Tokyo from the corporations’ depredations! Yeah, we get a lot of fan service and plenty of grue to satisfy the bloodlust, but this film is just flat out WEIRD. Buildings come to life as giant robo-Kaiu designed to wreak havoc and step on hapless victims and smear them across Tokyo.
I’m not so sure I could really recommend the movie to others, but if this is your cup of tea then have a watch. It’s not a waste of time, at the very least. If it sounds like something you might like, you should probably check out the previously mentioned films in similar style. Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police are far better entries into this bizarre series of sub-sub-sub-genre work, better stories, acting, and effects and just as likely to leave you scratching your head. Robo Geisha is more like the least interesting in this selection, good enough to waste time with but not quite the feast of utterly strange Nippon extremism I’ve become accustomed to over the years.
3 out of 5.
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