2 Reviews: Centurion / Night of the Demons (remake!)

Centurion

The legend of Rome’s Ninth Legion has survived for centuries. They were purported to have disappeared into the mists of the Scottish highlands, never to be seen again. Historians have long since disproven the story, but it makes for some stunning material with which to weave a dramatic story. Writer/Director Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers, The Descent) asks what might have happened and manages to create a thrilling adventure. Early in the story, a Roman soldier (Michael Fassbinder) is captured by the Picts after a successful raid on his outpost. The Ninth Legion manages to rescue the escaped prisoner and then walk into an ambush. Nearly wiped out to a man, the soldier leads a rag tag group of survivors on a daring rescue of their stalwart general. Things do not go according to plan and the troupe is forced to run, harried by the Picts in the aftermath of their unsuccessful rescue.

The film starts off quickly enough, but seems a little clumsy for the first several minutes. The Legion are not heroes, they are soldiers on a mission. The Picts are defending their homeland. It becomes difficult to identify with the Romans. They are portrayed as arrogant, bullish, and bloodthirsty. They are the invaders of a land, and we start the film by seeing them in a terrible light. Their enemies and the films primary antagonists seem far more sympathetic at the start. We get the gory goods from Neil Marshall, but the man is no slouch at telling a story. What seems clumsy at first actually comes together later as roles become reversed and we see the Romans as vulnerable and desperate. We see the Picts become set on the hunt, sadistic in their own cruelty, and vicious to their own people. Fassbinder grows into the role of the “Centurion” of the title, leading his adopted men through the terrible winter wasteland of the Scottish hills in a desperate attempt to evade his pursuers. This is yet another terrific film from one of the most talented directors of our time and something

The harsh winter cold seeps into the marrow of the film, allowing the viewer to imagine how the land itself is rejecting the presence of the Romans. Swirling gray clouds shift and swirl constantly, threatening to break open with a frozen snow or rain. The terrain is jagged, uneven, and difficult and we feel each stumble and fall as the men scramble to reach safety. Hardcore traditional effects generously splattered with blood were shot on location. The battle scenes are brutal, with limbs savagely ripped or chopped off and faces painted in tortured agony.

I definitely urge my readers to check out if they get the opportunity.

4 out of 5.


Night of the Demons

Remaking “Night of the Demons” is actually a pretty good idea. It’s a little known cult classic with a great many faults but a terrific little Halloween Night premise. There’s a strong enough fan following to provide instant interest, but just enough wiggle room to do something a little different and possibly improve on the original source material. So it actually came as a surprise to me when I rented the remake and discovered the depths of an epic failure that so brutally scrubbed my brain with its utter lack of anything worthwhile to bother with the time it takes to actually watch this trash. I’m at a loss of where to begin, because this movie doesn’t just fail in simple direction, acting, or special effects… it leaps into the worst CASTING decisions to possibly plague such a wretched little project, promotional material that puts forth its’ best effort in displaying the vapid lack of thought from a single person on the cast or crew, and even a location that boasts the least eerie “haunted house” to ever grace my screen.

Shannon Elizabeth, a person who seems very sweet and gentle, is terribly miscast as the vampishly sensual “Angela” upon which most of the film relies in order to provide a degree of menace. But you’ll notice that Elizabeth is described as both “sweet and kind” which makes her attempts at “vampishly sensual” seem awkward at best and just flat out clumsy at worst. It’s usually at “worst” when she attempts to slink her way across a room or intimately wrap her arms around some future victim. But; there seems to be a genuine love for the genre work in her excitement for the role, so I feel badly about ragging on her performance. Honestly, I don’t think it was her fault. This terrible casting decision pales in comparison to Monica Keening and co-star Edward Furlong. Neither actor shares the slightest shred of chemistry with the other but we’re supposed to believe that their failed relationship will provide the emotional anchor their characters need. Furlong is just plain hard to watch while Keening is flat and terrible as the films main protagonist. She sucks the excitement from a scene and makes several unsuccessful attempts at sarcastic dialogue in order to maybe come off as cool or snarky. Attempts made, and epic failure achieved. Just about the only redeeming thing about this movie comes from the brief cameo made by Linnea Quigley, a feature performer in the first film.

The story is something like this… Angela rents the old manor house with a foul reputation in order to throw a wild Halloween party. The police shut the party down because she’s charging each person an entrance fee and she forgot to get a permit, leaving her high and dry. We also have a number of subplots that eventually lead to several other guests becoming locked into the property until morning, and then they find some bodies in the basement. Angela begins to turn into a demon and spread the infection… oh, man, this actually sounds like it’s not so bad when I describe it. I’m not doing you any justice… so let me be frank: We had about thirty minutes of character development that never went anywhere and achieved absolutely NOTHING in the way of making this a better story or movie. The characters were bland and meaningless, random faces to be splattered with blood or some other fluid. The demons incomprehensible weakness to “rust” became utterly ridiculous with an actual attempt at logical explanation through dialogue… what?!?!!! You hit them, they burn, end of freakin’ explanation! The roguish thug hero of the first film is replaced with an incomprehensibly pathetic drug dealer who gets introduced with one of the most long-winded back story scenes that never EVER meant anything with regards to the rest of the story. And, in case you missed it, he makes certain to keep explaining why he’s freaking out over and over and over again until you simply stop caring. Oh, boy does this movie suck.

The director offers a pre-taped introduction filmed at and for the San Diego Comic Con, promoting the film as a “Punk Rock” horror flick that includes the first demon anal sex scene. I’m not kidding. That’s what he chooses to focus on for promotional material in this flick and he delivers on precisely that promise, but even THAT comes off as just flat out boring and uninteresting. Really, the whole movie is an exercise in tedium with interesting concepts that never really work.

2 out of 5

Reviews: Lost Boys (The Thirst) and "Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl". MORE...

Lost Boys: The Thirst

The Frog Brothers are back in the latest Lost Boys film, reuniting the first films vampire hunting duo for battle against the Undead. Edgar Frog is out on the skids, no longer so gung ho about delivering massive awesome death to the undead. He struggles to make ends meet by selling off his comic collection, scrap by scrap. Just as the bank prepares to foreclose on his property, Edgar is hired by a vampire-romance author to track a vampire rave and rescue her brother from the clutches of the evil DJ X. There’s a little bit of story with DJ X using Vampire blood as a drug in order to transform a literal army to do his bidding. This is a simple follow-up story featuring a spin-off on characters from the first movie and it’s not exactly going to set the world on fire… but it’s precisely the kind of story the fans of the original will most likely want to see. Edgar takes center stage, Alan returns, and the rest of the movie has some fun with itself and with modern vampire mythos.

Corey Feldman is spot on, once again, as Edgar Frog. It’s a role he created and it’s one that the actor seems to enjoy having fun with. He’s joined by Jamison Newlander, reprising the role of Alan Frog and eagerly hitting the right notes for a return to form. A flashback reveals the reason for Alans’ absence in the previous film, a forced transformation into the very thing they hate has driven a wedge between the brothers Frog. Having survived for the past several years on animal blood, Alan keeps himself away from temptation and he’s become very bitter. Sam Emerson is also gone after the results of “The Tribe”; so Edgar recruits some new help in the form of a reality show Hunter and a clerk in the local comic book store. We get a classic “bug Hunt”-style film with the good guys hunting vampires in the sub-basement of an abandoned meat-packing factory.

There’s plenty to gripe about with the film, however. The raving vampires are extremely one-dimensional and DJ X is little more than a footnote to the rest of the film. The Vampires are fashioned after the 30 Days of Night shark-teeth monsters, there are obvious allusions to Twilights’ author in Edgars’ employer, and there were far too many “flashbacks” to the original films bonding moments between the brothers and Sam. Gratuitous scenes of sex and violence are to be expected, but seemed very out of place with the tone of the film. The pacing of the story staggered a little bit around the middle, but eventually found it’s footing in the finale and with its’ awkward tongue-in-cheek humor. There was an obvious desire to stick with a lot of the formula that worked in the first film, a good number of lines rehashed for a follow up story.

3.5 out of 5.

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl

I have spent nearly half the day attempting to recover my senses. I’m trying to shape a cohesive thought, write an honest opinion, and offer my dear faceless readers a fair and objective view so that they are capable of making an informed opinion before watching this movie. I don’t know if that will be possible. My brain is a pile of mush, having been brutally dragged through the blood geysers, flying body parts, and lunatic characters of “Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl”. The Japanese import of this film includes some of the most bizarre scenes imaginable, taking direction from previous Japanese Gore-comedy films like Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl in order to raise the bar a little higher.

This movie is f’ed up! Look, I tried to be professional… read the above paragraph, because it sounds like I’m still a little sane. But no, I’m sorry, that’s not the case here. This movie is twisted and bizarre and I don’t honestly know if it was good OR bad. I just know that it was, and I’ll never be able to un-see that which I have seen. Vampire Girl, a new transfer student, is in love with one of her classmates and tricks him into tasting her blood. Her interests are opposed by another school friend, whose father is secretly a twisted scientist seeking to bring life to the dead… while dressed in Kabuki make-up. Surrounding this bizarre love triangle are a series of characters including a “wrist-cutting” club, the “Dark Girls” club, Igor the janitor, and a school full of potential victims, peeping tom teachers, and a seductive school nurse. The gore is way over the top and flatly ridiculous. But if you think the strangeness ends there, you are sorely mistaken… a totally twisted soundtrack mixes show tunes, fusion jazz, and playful ditties that completely warp the mind.

This skull-fucked movie isn’t going to get any star-rating. It goes right next to “Meet the Feebles”, which means you watch it and YOU take responsibility for that decision. I won’t take the blame and I am definitely NOT going to take the credit if this sort of thing spreads any further beyond my eyes. You want it, well it’s not so hard to find anymore.

Riff Trax: House On Haunted Hill (Fathom Event)

Not so much a review in this case… I decided to take a night to myself and headed off to the theater for a Riff Trax special event. Fathom Events tends to rent out space in a number of theaters across the country for simulcast promotional bits featuring the Opera, huge concert recordings, anime films, lectures, and other things. It’s kind of a special treat for people who pay some attention to these sorts of promotions… in this case; it looks like it was me and one other couple for the Riff Trax event. The boys from MST3K have been doing this performance tours for a number of films, riffing movies and shorts from coast to coast… and I love a good movie riff as much as the next guy, though probably a little more.

They opened their show with some good riffs on Instructional Video shorts, featuring a grocery witch and a talking paper bag. The talking bag was probably the most frighteningly funny thing I’ve ever seen, and I dread the day that wood pulp takes over the rest of the world with its awesome might. This poor film never stood a chance, and I almost feel a shred of sympathy for the makers… but then I remember all the school shorts I had to sit through and those unholy monstrosities can rot for all I care! I saw my first real autopsy in a school health class… what kind of sick monster decides a graphic depiction of cutting fat encrusted arteries is good learning material for middle school? You want to tell me that???

Then they went to the main event and I finally got to see Vincent Price on the big screen for the first time in my life. Price and all his mustachioed glory with the little quirks and grins and that highly distinguished voice trilling through dialogue that can’t help but sound far more respectable than it really is when he speaks it. The film was a classic schlock-fest seen in hundreds of Horror Host variations, quite possibly over-riffed if such a thing were possible. But I wanted to take another trip to the “House on Haunted Hill” to have a quick look-see, gander through the colorized rooms and admire one slow pan after another from William Castle as he belted out a good feature-length story with only an extremely small number of gags. I love Castle films, so I would’ve seen this if the guys weren’t riffing… but as it was, I was laughing until I cried. And then I got a headache and they wouldn’t stop cracking jokes, and I was in tears, and my head was pounding, and they JUST WOULDN’T STOP!!!!

The show came to a close at well past the two hour mark and I was clutching my skull, hoping for a blessed end to the horrible torments inflicted through the gift of laughter. I chuckled and guffawed and even gave a donkey-like “HEEEE-HAW!!!” at some point in the evening, giving wonder to theater mates who muttered that I had to be crazy or inebriated, but of course I was not the latter. That always leaves the former, but you all knew that already. So let me close this brief commentary that I enjoyed the Riff Trax event and hope to see some more as time warrants. Now presently and next… Midnight and the Genetic Opera!

Review: Let Me In

Owen isn’t a happy kid. His parents are getting a divorce, he’s bullied at school, and he has no friends. When his mother isn’t stuck in the bottom of a bottle, she’s far too busy to notice the crumbling child left in her care by a father we never really meet. The harsh New Mexico winter brings a steady snowfall and a new neighbor, Abby. The strange girl walks around the snow without shoes and is cared for by a secretive father. As a friendship blossoms between Owen and Abby, a series of grisly murders begin to haunt the city. Unlike the original film, “Let Me In” doesn’t obscure the real menace… Abby is a vampire. She’s a monster from very early on in the film and this adaptation drives home the absolute horror in this tale. And that’s where this film differs from the original Swedish version. It’s not fair, but it is extremely difficult to watch “Let Me In” without comparing it to the original Swedish adaptation of “Let the Right One In”. The announced remake, even if it was going to mark the return of Hammer Studios, had already set my mind against the film and I wasn’t even going to give it the opportunity to let me down. I had no idea how wrong I was going to be proven when I stepped into the theater.

Vampires are monsters. Let me make this clear for you, dear faceless reader… Vampires are undead monstrosities that need to survive on living blood. They do not sparkle, they are not super heroes, and they do not woo the teenage love interest and buy sports cars and vacation homes for fun and leisure. They feed and they hide from the light of day because it will kill them. They keep their identities a secret because ignorance is their greatest weapon. They exist for as long as they continue to feed and they are slaves to this hunger. Abby is a cute little kid, but the thin disguise shatters and we see her for the monster she is. Blood and gore drip from her chin, her eyes are blackened by feral hunger, and she quickly decays without the source of her strength. We don’t have exceptions to the rules; we don’t have arrogant monsters proclaiming their immunity to movie magic. We do have a dyed in the wool hardcore vampire unable to enter people’s homes without invitation, weak during the day, and fearful of discovery. It’s the devotion to traditional horror that sets “Let Me In” apart from the pack or recent trendy vamp flicks or teenage angst horror. The introduction of a potential “Vampire Hunter” character also gives the film a twist that I thought the original lacked. The police officer is brilliantly played by Elias Kotas and provides a much needed “human” touch to the story.

There is a brilliant use of focus and lighting in order to obscure features and isolate certain images. In many cases, the obscurity itself is isolated to show a sense of separation and seclusion between the characters. The director breaks with traditional expectations in order to capture difficult imagery, including a gruesome car crash sequence filmed entirely from a stationary position from the backseat. The films only real failing comes with the CGI sequences, somewhat out of place given the look of the film. But even that failing isn’t enough to detract from the whole of the story. Hammer is definitely back on the map!

5 out of 5.

Review: Frozen

Shot on location during a harsh winter month, Frozen is the story of three young college students stuck on a ski lift. The perfect series of mistakes are made, leaving the three kids up on that lift without hope of rescue for at least a week. And while it sounds like a simple story, I know what might be running through your mind as you read this: All the ways in which this couldn’t possibly ever happen, all the things you would do if you were in this situation, and writer/director Adam Green obviously had the same thoughts you had. This is a simple story, but its telling will rip your nerves ragged and leaving you wincing and near tears. This is hardcore and it will not stop tearing at you once these kids are stuck, ripping at your heart and your soul as you see them make mistakes. The simple act of touching becomes harsh and vicious when frostbite sets in, and then the unflinching burn from a relentless sun simply beats down on them all day long. There is no merciful reprieve for our main characters; no clever till turn of chance and opportunity that lands a pizza on their laps. They are stuck and time is working steadily against them.

Two boyhood friends regularly take the mountain ski trip in order to get away from the stress of their school life. They’ve made this trip on dozens of mountains, sharing jokes and camaraderie in the way so many men have. They’ve been bound by a lifetime of familiarity and experience. But now the girlfriend of one of the two wants to tag along wants to learn how to ski, wants to spend time with the man she loves and share in his experiences. This is a triangle dynamic where two people hide their resentment of one another for the sake of their one point of common concern. So as much as this film is about three people facing the rigors of nature, this is also about a group dynamic that seems destined to crumble from the very beginning. The acting is unbelievably intense with an unbelievably deep performance from Sean Ashmore that finds greater strength than we think him capable of at first.

Look, going any further with regards to this film will spoil it for any future viewer. I’ve seen many horror films, as my blog attests. I love the genre, from the gory and sometimes comedic to the serious and oftentimes disturbing. “Frozen” falls into the latter category. My nerves were shot through with panic, fear, and pure horror. I was left a ragged little ball of tear-stained misery by the end. Green presents a film that is intimate and personal with a kind of horror I rarely ever find in this day and age. He drives a proverbial fist to the gut, yanks you back by the hair, and spits on what is left of your dignity with a cocky smile and dismissive drop to the ground. That damn Green just has a knack for doing sadistic things to my mind, I think.

5 out of 5.

2 Reviews: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird & Pig Hunt

Joheunnom Nabbeunnom Isanghannom

“THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE WEIRD” is set during the Japanese occupation of Korea and northern Manchuria with all the trappings of a traditional “spaghetti” Western. The Good (Woo-Sung Yung) is a fairly straight laced bounty hunter on the trail of a number of outlaws. The Bad (Byung-hun Lee) is an outlaw and assassin with a checkered reputation for cruelty. He is sent by a crooked employer to steal back a map from the Japanese representatives of a bank in the northern mainland. His plan to rob their train goes awry when another outlaw hits the Japanese train car first, introducing The Weird. Yoon Tae-Goo (Kang-ho Sung) is a fairly comedic loser pulling a number of small jobs when he manages to get his hands on a coveted map. The rest of the story involves a race to secure the map and find the “treasure” to which it leads. The three main characters are pursued by Korean Rebels, the Japanese Army, and outlaw criminals hoping to cash in.

Though we have three main characters, it’s really The Weird who stands out as the heroic scoundrel with his eye toward the prize. A mysterious past and a bizarre reputation for survival seem a little hard to believe as you watch him stumble across one good fortune after another. His fumbling across the desert toward his goal and the consistency to which he seems to fall one step behind everyone else seems to prove the adage that fortune favors the foolish. Stunt work highlights the antics of the Good. He swings and leaps from rooftop to rooftop, rides herd on the entire Japanese army, and blasts away at the thuggish outlaws with his trusty rifle. “The Bad” is a sadist, murdering friends and foes alike to fill the emptiness within him. He has little interest in the map, however. He pursues the Fool for a past slight, a loss that has not been forgotten in a great many years.

Dealing the goods on Asian-style action cinema, THE GOOD sets the mythic Western on fire with a number of inspired twists on familiar sequences. The classic train robbery, a visit to a house of ill repute, and cowboy style vigilante justice takes a step toward the East. The Japanese occupation is reminiscent of America’s own Civil War period and the Cavalry charges from Army outposts. A blend of traditional “Moricone”-inspired themes play throughout the film with a number of soft jazz themes and disco twists. The amazing soundtrack builds on the already wonderful action sequences and creating an atmosphere that settles this western firmly in the East. Director Ji-woon Kim (Tale of Two Sisters) continues to prove that he is a force to be reckoned with for future releases.

4 out of 5.

Pig Hunt:

Joining the “After Dark” festival and Sam Raimi’s “Ghost House Releasing”, Fangoria’s Fright Fest is this years Halloween series of “independent” horror releases coming straight to DVD for major distribution. James Isaac’s (Jason X, Skinwalkers)“Pig Hunt” seemed the most promising title in the bunch; a crazy blend of backwoods horror and monster animal stalking. John Hickman’s (Travis Aaron Wade) uncle used to take him hunting as a boy, so the young man decides to pay a visit to the old cabin and bring along a bunch of friends for their first hunting trip together. Once in the woods they hear the story of “The Ripper”, the monster pig that may have been the cause of his Uncles’ death. The premise introduces a couple of San Francisco “city slickers” heading out for a weekend hunting trip. John brings his girlfriend along, they run across some backwoods hippies, a pair of redneck brothers sharing a troubled past with the films lead, and a mythical Hogzilla type of monster who randomly stalks and kills various characters. The promotional material promises a gory horror comedy DVD, but only manages to get one of those adverbs right. The film is certainly gory, but even that does not save the film from its many faults.

Pig Hunt, how do I approach thee? You have all the makings of a wild and crazy backwoods horror comedy, complete with colorful characters and a soundtrack by the legendary Les Claypool. Why, then, do you waste nearly an hour of your precious film stock with the characters walking through the woods? I understand that they were trying to build some sort of tension, but it never really pays off. Some of the “Boys” don’t like the girlfriend (Tina Huang), the redneck brothers don’t like the main character, the girlfriend feels a little out of place, and none of it makes any real sense. The group dynamic seems to have no real reason to be angry with one another, even going so far as to explain the Redneck brothers’ history and then blowing it off as a somewhat meaningless childhood accident. The truth is, these people are just tense and frustrated and maybe a little spoiled. The more time spent on building tension, the more we realize that these people have no reason at all to be tense with one another except for the fact that the story requires it. A little tighter cut would have probably done much more to drive the film forward, but it just sort of meanders along to the catchy music and delivers a bunch of gory kills between scenes of dialogue.

As far as the Fangoria Fright Fest goes, Pig Hunt delivers a fairly standard little bit no more or less exciting than the average direct to DVD feature. I didn’t find anything special, but the film delivers on gore with a few decent performances outside the completely bland main characters. The Redneck brothers come off as one part creepy and another part common sense intelligent, making it hard to tell if they were supposed to be villains or not. This is one where I’m bound to find a couple of people thinking that I’m insane to have not liked the film, but the truth is that I just didn’t find it all that interesting.

2.5 out of 5.

REPO! The Adventure Continues...

My love for "The Genetic Opera" is certainly no secret. It was one of the most anticipated movies of the year for me when it came out, I drove well over two hours and into the heart of Berkeley in order to catch it on opening weekend, and it's become a staple diet of cinema to share with friends. My wife and I both consider it one of our favorite adventures and even she, who is not a fan of gore, enjoys the music and spectacle of the opera. So I kind of jumped a little for joy when the local Paper Wing Theater decided to run a live performance and a friend of mine was lucky enough to join the cast. I knew I'd be going, I definitely picked up tickets when I got the chance to swing by and meet him, and I was definitely eager to see what they would do with the presentation. I had to miss opening weekend... I had to miss the following weekend... but I finally managed to swoop in for a front row seat in the splatter zone, my wife and I dressed as satisfied Geneco customers.

First, let me get to the heart of a very serious rumor that may be going around. I did not actually cry during the final duet between Shiloh and her father. I was leaking precious hatred and violence fluid through my optical nerves. I did not openly weep at the heartbreaking performance of Allison Bojorques because everyone knows that my heart is pure iron ore and I am a manly MAN! With that said, I hope these horrible rumors come to a brutal and quick end and that no one even thinks that this young womans' performance came anywhere close to having any such effect on me. With that said, I think the Paper Wing Theater found pure titanium with her performance because it would have completely blown away any person of lesser fortitude than myself. AS it was, I sat rooted in my chair without a single real tear flowing down my cheek. Shivers along my shoulders and down my arm were clearly coincidental.

The blood did flow from open wounds, splattering knives, and a sadistic display of bone, organs, and human suffering. Driven forward with a live band performance, the opera unfolds as pitch perfect Graverobber introduces the world we've been transported to. A world where all people should fear the legal assassin, the dreaded Repo Man. Do not for one moment mistake my admiration for Shiloh as any sort of dismissal for the rest of the cast. This performance, quite frankly, may have ruined any future viewings of the DVD in my collection. Blind Mag's voice was haunting, the Largo brothers shared incredible chemistry, and Rotti's voice simply COMMANDED attention. But the story really does rely on a duel performance from Nathan, The Repo Man. One part a caring and loving father, the other a monster and villain without remorse. L.J. Brewer pulls it off fantastically and you absolutely know which is in control at any given time. We get all the best music from the theatrical release in addition to a number of songs that only barely appear, if at all, in the film. I held off this long in mentioning Amber Sweet for only one reason... probably one of the best songs performed was Ambers "Blame Not My Cheeks". It's an odd moment of campy levity, and Amber is AWESOME throughout the whole show. Quite honestly, I think Ambers' character is an extremely important counter to Shiloh and is an extremely risque performance as a result. Bravo to the whole cast, all the smaller parts I may have glossed over... the Surgery Sluts, those who testified, those who died... fantastic! AWESOME!!!

Look, I have every intention of catching this show again. I'm hoping to drag more people with me, in chains if necessary. I don't want to have to resort to that tactic... I don't want to drag folks in at the end of my hook, don't want to tie them to a chair, don't want to pry their eyelids open, but I'm not entirely well in the head.And I assure you, even if you do see a slight measure of dampness around the eye area, those will not be tears. I don't know what excuse I'll come up with next time, but I'm sure it'll be another doozy.

I'm pumped. I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to write this review, but it's now 4:28 AM and I'm still wired from the show. I went to work all day and did the Office Drone thing until my eyes were aching... but now I can't get to sleep!

HATCHET 2

Moments after the last Hatchet film ends, Hatchet 2 opens with Marybeth managing to escape from the clutches of Victor Crowley(Kane Hodder). Danielle Harris replaces Tamara Feldman as our heroine whose encounter with Crowley reveals horrible family secrets. She looks for help from Reverend Zombie(Tony Todd) and a group of local hunters to return to the swamp. They prepare to hunt a ghost that no one really believes in. What follows is a blood-soaked, balls out, gory ride through the Louisiana Bayou! Adam Green is completely unfettered by the MPAA in this film and every splatter, tear, and rip comes through without interference and in all its horrid glory.

Green manages to assemble one of the best casts in order to present his story. He pops a number of genre vets in front of the camera for various moments, looking for a cheap giggle before hitting you with a genuine laugh in well timed dialogue. He manages to deliver good gory fun throughout the film. After collecting the group of colorful characters together, Green systematically one ups himself with one violent kill after another as he eliminates the hunters and narrows in on Harris and Todd. There are hatchet deaths, the belt sander returns, the biggest chainsaw ever wielded by man, and the bodies pile up as buckets of blood are liberally splashed around in glee. I don't want to spoil anything, but everytime I thought that Green couldn't possibly top himself the man would virtually rip my jaw out and deliver another gruesome horror bit of candy for my eyes. I had high expectations for this film as the first quite literally knocked my fucking boots off, so there was no way I was going to be forgiving if this thing didn't live up to the hype. Green took my expectations and shattered my goddamn skull with the heel of his boot, laughing sadistically as I cried in a puddle of my own blood and piss.

Tony Todd manages to snatch one of the most interesting characters he has ever played, a voodoo con-man with insidious designs on the swamp of Crowley. Todd goes over the top in his presentation, a spooky drawl and fluttering hand motions dismissed as so much bullshit by the people that know him. But beneath the goofy con beats the heart of a true scumbag who uses peoples low expectations of him to trap them in a truly insidious plan from the very beginning. Tony Todd's haunting voice narrates the twist on Crowley's origin that the first film only began to touch on, a backstory that presents a death bed curse and answers the question regarding Victor's mother. Another surprising performance gives some emotional depth to the role of Crowley's father, also played by Hodder. R.A. Mihailoff (Leatherface) and Tom Holland (Director of Fright Night and Childs Play) join the cast in pivotal roles. Parry Shen also returns, brother to the first films' tour guide.

5 out of 5... and more. More more more! This film finally sated my bloodlust, the first film to do so since Dead Alive! Incredible gore and a special effects team that deserves all the praise they are likely to get. Slasher nastiness pushes the envelope and raises the bar.