Redcap Jack's Ranting Lunacy

Review: Bunraku

2012-01-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

Bunraku

I hadn't heard any hype surrounding this film. No trailers, no previews, no news bits, no stories, and yet it featured a pretty damn impressive cast of big names. It sat on my Netflix list for a few weeks, mainly because I didn't see anything that really drew me to flip it on and I have to admit I didn't even give it a second look beyond the title. "Bunraku"... hrm... might be good for a lazy weekend night, maybe. I don't know. I just don't care... meh.

And then I turned it on.

In a future world without guns, two mysterious drifters enter the domain of "The Woodcuter", a vicious warlord who runs the Eastern domain of Little Westworld. Josh Hartnett is the cowboy without a gun, Gackt is the Samurai without a sword, and they're both helped by a friendly bartender played by Woody Harrelson. Round that cast off with Ron Perlman as "Nicola the Woodcutter", Demi Moore as his prostitute, and Kevin McKid as Killer #2. The visuals are similar to the "Sin City" style, alot of CGI backgrounds with real actors doing their thing. There's also some awesome stunt work and I found myself really digging the fairly simple story. It's nothing new, really... but when it's done well, when it's done with style, you can't help but fall in love with it. This is Spaghetti Western meets Samurai Cinema by way of Sin City. So yeah, gape and gawk at all the awesome sauce and let it pour down your throat... this movie is great eye candy.

4 out of 5.

The Purpose of my Blog

2012-01-16T11:41:00.000-08:00

"Purpose. It's that little thing that lights a fire up under your ass."

Why do I talk about movies, plays, and wrestling? Why do I tell you what I think about these things, post it on my facebook, and then leave it up on this blog for random passer-by trolls to take a gander? Because I'm an attention whore. But, more than that, I also think there are plenty of things that people should take the time to check out and watch. That's why most of my reviews are usually based on movies that aren't as well known, aren't as well-reviewed, or aren't as publicized as the usual mumbo jumbo you can see in your daily paper or local television cable outlet. I think that local performers deserve the same glowing praise or open mockery that most blockbusters receive, though the latter doesn't happen nearly so much as the former. (I've been called an "easy sell" on more than a few occasions, but I'm still not going to pull any punches when it comes down do it.)

However, looking back at the past year... I'm seeing more blockbusters than indy and direct to DVD stuff that I used to focus on. I'm not happy with that. So I've been spending alot of time at home this past week, sick with strep, and wanting to make my blog more about me and my original purpose for keeping it. I want you, dear readers, to know about the little underground shit that has so fascinated me throughout my life. I want you to know about the movies that some executive looked at and passed it by because it didn't fit THEIR mold. I want you to look at the wrestling that SHOULD be getting standing ovations, instead of passed on in favor of a John Cena "five finger shuffle" fist drop. I want you to take a gander at the local artists and performers who buckle up a costume, get into character, and strut their stuff on a stage in front of people who might run into them in the grocery store rather than hide in relative obscurity of a hollywood mansion. So, we're going back to the woodshed this year and I plan on doing reviews of shit that really hits me hard... if it's REALLY fucking bad, I'm going to tear it apart. If it's REALLY fucking good, I'm going to sell you on something you maybe overlooked.

So... yeah, just rambling here... This particuliar post served no purpose whatsoever beyond that.

Indy Wrestling: General Thoughts and analysis

2012-01-12T13:57:00.000-08:00

I haven't really caught up on the wrestling Indy scene since the early part of the last decade, but decided to give it a recent gander this past year. The sad truth is that the scene is not really looking all that good. It's kind of sad, really, because I think Professional wrestling is legitimate art when it's done right. It's got emotion, action, and all the glitz and glamour you could imagine. It's truly beautiful and not something I see being taken seriously... it could be that the glut from the 90's sort of killed the art of the game, or it could be that the WWE cornered the market, or it could be any number of issues. But, seeing as how this is my fucking blog and my fucking opinion, this is what I think:

1. PRODUCTION: Beyond the WWE, there really isn't much with regard to production values on any of the alternative products. TNA is supposed to be the WWE's most competitive alternative... but it's really not. While they have the budget to do better television than Ring of Honor, Chikara, or various other companies they just sort of fall into an overdeveloped sense of what the production team is supposed to do.

But, when you start getting involved with the lower rung promotions you start seeing a severe cut in the production values. The sound quality is absolute shit, the camera angles keep getting over exposed when they're pointed RIGHT AT THE LIGHTS, and the announce teams are terrible. Chikara probably has the best sound and video quality from the shows I've seen so far, but that announce team is something wretched to listen to. They don't know how to tell a story or add to a match, so it just becomes this rambling high pitch reaction scream to every spot move they see. And the majority of Chikara are spot moves. Ring of Honor suffers from a dark arena and pointing the camera at the light... and on and on. There isn't really an appreciation for post production work from any of these companies and none of them seriously want to even elevate their status to contend with WWE.

2. STARS: At the early part of the decade there were a ton of big name wrestlers who had a strong chance to be that next "big thing" in wrestling... the politics, the lack of competitiveness, that all added to chip away at alot of these guys and left them at the bottom of a very big pool of indy promotions. Now these guys are growing past their prime and anyone younger that comes into the business doesn't seem to have an appreciation for what the business was for a very long time.

Where is the next Samoa Joe? Where is the next CM Punk? AJ Styles? Heck, where are they currently? Other than Punk, whose meteoric rise this past year seems doomed for a major fall with a look at current ratings.... none of these guys have been allowed to really shine. TNA Booking took the rug right out from under these young talents and thrown them in the shitter in favor of people with big names from the 90's. ROH isn't capitalizing on the National Broadcast time they have to introduce something beyond the "UFC"-pseudo-wrestling design.

3. MATCHES: A good match is more than a spinning back flip triple jump springboard huuzamagigit from the highest balcony. It's about telling a story, it's about yanking the audience out of the "It's fake" mentality and making them belief that something is on the line, that there's a heel and a face and that these people aren't just sharing beers after every show. It's not just about glitz and smack talking, it's about selling and understanding ring psychology. And none of these smaller promotions are promoting this... they've become display cases for acrobatics. It simply isn't really all that much fun to watch the same flippy flappy nonsense from one match to the other... I want to see anguish on the faces, glory in a victory, and a heel who revels in hurting his opponent. Psychology works and that seems to be missing in the independent circuit as of late.

4. SOLUTIONS: Well, how do we solve any of these problems?

First off, Smartmark video could try to attend a few video production classes and learn a little bit about lighting, framing, and sound balance. Beyond that, everything else is an intangible... the WWE owns a brilliant library of classic matches that I'd like to see put into the market for history sake. Also for my own collection... as it is, I have a subscription to WWE Classics and you know what? I'm able to see the production quality on pre-high def quality video cameras during the Territories era... and these smaller companies really have no fucking excuse.

Secondly: Stop guarding your friends and trainers and students and make them earn the crowd reactions. Listen to your audience because that's where your bread and butter is, not in the politics of a company. Don't be afraid to have a big name walk in and beat your big face, and don't be afraid to job out a big name when you're paying his air fare. A big name is supposed to get your guys over, and your guys are supposed to learn something from wrestling with a big name.

Finally: Watch matches. Watch your own matches, watch classic matches, find out what works and really what makes no fucking sense.

Just my humble thoughts on indy wrestling.

DVD reviews: The Presidents Analyst / Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

2012-01-12T12:50:00.001-08:00

The Presidents Analyst (1967)

This is a bizarre comedy and send-up to the time period in which it was made. It skewers the age of "flower power", psychiatry, the cold war, and American Liberalism with respect to satire. James Coburn stars as Dr. Sidney Schaeffer, whose comedic timing is perfect as the eager doctor sent in to take care of the Presidents psychiatric needs. Schaeffer is always on-call, so what at first seems a great and wonderful honor quickly cascades into a burden. Not only is he constantly having to see the President for the "great mans" many issues, he's also living under a state of constant scrutiny from the "FBR" and "CEA". Enemy states want to kidnap him and discover the nations deepest secrets and he isn't even quite certain that his lover, Nan, isn't part of the conspiracy surrounding him. After a paranoia-induced breakdown, Coburn is on the run from all the various agencies and this is where the film's story mostly takes place.

The film begins with what has to be one of the most intense narratives regarding racism, anger, and the very nature of a man in the line of work that CEA agent Don Masters. Masters is recruiting the good doctor and confesses to the recent assassination of an enemy agent in the process. This sets up the doctors' cool and analytical reaction to the situation, surprising himself and his "patient" in the process before opening the door to his new career.

There are so many great scenes in this film, including a wonderful kidnapping attempt that's ruined by multiple assassinations while a clueless Schaeffer makes love to a hippie in a field. Agents move forward only to find themselves killed in silence from another agent behind them until the lone Russian agent left standing is forced to watch as Schaeffer and his paramour return to the relative safety of the hippie camp seen in the near distance. As a fan of both Coburn (probably the coolest cat in cinema) and spy films, I really had a great time watching this film and would highly recommend it as a good change of pace to the blood and guts I normally tend to watch. Coburns' performance absolutely drives this film, so it's worth it for that alone.

5 out of 5.

Now, how do I segue from a cool little late 60's spy comedy into a Wuxia martial arts film? Just switch your gears over like I do on a regular basis...

"Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame"

Director Tsui Hark brings the wire-fu back in style with Detective Dee. The very capable Andy Lau stars as the titular detective in this period piece set just before the rule of China's only Empress. So right off the bat we're in for some great wire stunts, martial arts, and bits of slapstick comedy in the style Hark is very well known for.

This film is strongly comparable to the Guy Ritchie version of Sherlock Holmes, which may have been the leading inspiration when Hark went into this project. Dee is an exiled officer brought out of imprisonment to solve a string of murders where the victims suddenly burst into flames upon contact with the sun. How are the victims being poisoned and who is behind it? The over all mystery isn't much of one as the story progresses, but there are enough red herrings thrown in to make the film entertaining and the characters are very enjoyable. It is, of course, Lau who carries the bulk of the story and he capably handles the task with all the charisma he's known for.

4 out of 5.

The Adventures of Tintin reviewed.

2012-01-06T22:25:00.001-08:00

The Adventures of Tintin.

Based on the comic strip of the same title, this movie follows the adventures of an intrepid young reporter and his wily dog as they try to uncover the mystery surrounding the sinking of an old ship. The script has some serious fan-boy geekgasm names attached, including Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World), Steven Moffat (the current Doctor Who series), and Joe Cornish (Attack the Block). Directed by Steven Spielberg, under the "Amblin Entertainment" brand, the animated feature includes the voice talents of Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig, Nick Frost, and Simon Pegg in lead roles. Have you geek-gasmed yet? So, is the film worth the hype surrounding such an illustrious set of names attached with the project? Yes, actually... it is.

Make no mistake, this is a family feature paced with high octane action measured between bouts of comfortable humor. Comfortable? Yes... something that struck me with the watching of this film was it's lack of cruelty. There were several tense moments, some scenes with quick bits of violence, and a set of villains devoid of any sense of morality but the overall feel of the film lacked any real sense of cruelty. Tintin is a hero first and foremost and he avoids killing, avoids making people suffer, and he's never once motivated by a sense of vengeance. The humor is never cruel, despite several slapstick moments where villains slip, slide, or fall in the heat of a chase. Tintin is much more innocent and bridges the gap between "Family friendly" and flat out damn entertaining. My son rooted for the hero, laughed at the villains, and was worried for the dog. And I was right there with him, never once feeling as though the film felt a need to speak down to me in order to MAKE the audience understand.

5 out of 5 is a pretty damn good start to the New Year, eh?

top ten list for 2011

2011-12-31T12:46:00.000-08:00

BEST OF THE YEAR!!!

Okay, this list is my top ten list of movies from the past years... subject to debate and all that, but it's my top ten so fuck you. -=)

10: Green Lantern
Kind of sad... this movie could have been absolutely great, but some poor direction and a few too many directions kept it from really nailing the mark.

9: Sucker Punch
Loved this movie. Steampunk Nazi Zombies for the win! I also liked the story, even though alot of folks did not. Well, different strokes and all that.

8: Fright Night (remake)
I wasn't thrilled with this movie, but it was good and well done for the most part. A little too much CGI and an unlikeable main character, but everything else was top notch.

7: Thor
Fun movie, but a poor script didn't help it. Helmsworth is fantastic, though... and that's what we were looking for.

6: X-Men: First Class
Ehhh... great film, but I didn't like the rewrite on Havok. It's just me, though.

5: Pirates of the Carribean 4
Good stuff, not great.

4: Troll Hunter:
Fantastic film!

3: Captain America
So awesomesauce and pure geek-fu fun!

2 13 Assassins.
This is pure Miike, the man who brought us “Audition”, “Sukiyaki Western: Django” and “Ichi: The Killer”. The mans’ body of work includes family films, samurai epics, horror films, and on and on. Now we have the Samurai epic. FANTASTIC. Check it out!

1. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil:
I haven't laughed so hard at the movies in a long LONG time!

Avenue Q: review

2011-12-31T09:09:00.000-08:00

The first time I heard songs from the soundtrack of "Avenue Q" was at the gaming table of the Bennett family. I immediately fell in love with so many of these great songs, and the Bennetts burned me a copy that I still listen to several years later. This was sometime around the year 2004 or 2005... so here we are in 2011 and I'm waking up one day after spending a fantastic evening watching the Paper Wing Theatre production of the show. I guess calling it "fantastic" is a bit of a spoiler for where this review is going to go, but I'm sure you'll get over it. So let's get into the nitty gritty...

The show actually started before the doors opened when the Bad Idea Bears (Erin Davison and Mark Weddle) came outside and greeted the audience waiting in line. The pair ran a couple of routines on audience members, making people feel like part of the show from the get go. Eager, excited, and enthusiastic, the Bad Idea Bears encouraged both the audience and the cast to drink, have fun, and to ignore the consequences. The people were laughing and the doors opened for a very eager audience. Shuffling to our seats, I thought we'd have some pretty good seats in the way back and be able to see the whole of the set. Flush with color, the stage was an amazing character in itself.

So the lights go down and actor Nicholas Kelly takes center stage as Princeton, our main protagonist through the show. A 23 year old college graduate looking for his purpose and a place to live. He finds that place to live on Avenue Q, a Sesame Street-like atmosphere of colorful characters that make up the rest of the cast. Nicholas' voice is amazing and consistent, picking up the majority of the songs throughout the show. He handled Princeton incredibly well and his own facial expressions drove the emotions and humor of the character.

"It Sucks to be Me" introduces the rest of the cast: Kate Monster (Jill Miller), two non-puppet characters Brian and Christmas Eve (Daniel Matthey, Amy Rose), Nicky (Jay DeVine with Penny Morgan)and his room mate Rod (Shane Dallmann), Trekkie Monster (Robert Feeney with Sonita Cardoza), with human superintendent Gary Coleman (an amazingly charismatic Lindi Lewis). The song also prepares the audience for the content of the show, including vulgarity and adult themes and caustic humor. The band hit a huge stride and propelled the music throughout the show, absolutely NAILING every track and backing up some great voices. With the house packed, director Koly McBride delivers another hit show to the Monterey Bay Area. Also appearing in various roles throughout the show are the Ensemble Cast featuring Cody Moore, Penny Morgan, Sonita Cardoza, Katy Wieser, Mark Weddle, Erin Davison, and Robert Feeney.

While Princeton may be the audience surrogate that introduces us to this world, Kate Monster is the absolute heart of the production. Jill Miller's voice, her body language, and the puppet itself are all in sync throughout the show and I'm blown away by the level of talent in this young woman. Whether it's watching her innocence shattered in "The Internet is For Porn" or watching her heart ripped out in "There's a Fine, Fine Line", she tends to reach out and snatch your attention. Her budding romance with Princeton provides an anchor to the shows several sub-plots, including the predatory advances from Lucy The Slut (Katie Wieser). The interaction between Kate and her boss, Mrs. T (Taylor Noel Young) sent a shooting pain through my eye because I laughed so hard.

Another sub-plot involves Rod coming to terms with some personal identity issues. As a Republican Investment Banker, actor Shane Dallmann is stiff and wrapped up tight with some slight shaking as he struggles with questions regarding Rods' sexuality. Partnered with Nicky, the pair share good chemistry as best friends living together for perhaps a little too long. Each one grates on the others nerves in typical "odd couple" fashion. Rod seeks help from therapist Christmas Eve and there are some hilarious moments between these two.

I attended the show with my wife and our friend, whose comments after the show were glowing. We all had a great night and were hugely entertained. My wife's favorite characters were Kate Monster and the Pink "Bad Idea Bear". Support the local arts and attend this fantastic show featuring all local performers. They work hard for your appreciation and make sure to bring a handful of change for the second act. Heck, bring a wad of cash and spend it on the cookies and coffee. My wife says the Chai was "To die for."

An Evening With Mr. Johnson:

2011-11-24T10:35:00.000-08:00

I’ve actually been struggling with where to begin when organizing my thoughts on “An Evening With Mr. Johnson”. I usually just sit there and let things just sort of dribble out until there’s a fairly steady stream, but there was nothing. So I sort of sat there, staring, wondering why the dang thing wasn’t working. I had laughed almost constantly, found it hard to breathe through the laughter, and I truly had a great time. Why couldn’t I express myself? Jodi Gilmore starts the show off with a laugh and we get a lot of the expected puns right out of the way. He delivers a fantastic little monologue about his preparation for the role complete with visual aids. We then dive headlong into the story; Ed (L.J. Brewer) is spending New Years Eve alone after a particularly nasty break up with his fiancée. It seems that Ed’s past struggles with faithlessness have landed him in hot water before. Struggling to understand his failings, Ed eventually blames that poor body part and sparks an all too familiar debate. Gilmore is that irreverent, sarcastic, and somewhat volatile appendage. It’s a classic battle between the Id and the Ego to determine dominance over the male psyche, with both sides attempting to reconcile the desires of the other. Brewer is grounded as an average guy coping with the problems of interpersonal relationships as he approaches middle age. He still wants to see himself as the dangerous young man he once was but his Id has started to remind him that those moments are limited and there are really only a few years left. Michael Matteos’ script isn’t just hilarious, it’s also a little brutally honest when it comes to facing those later years.

But there is only so far a person can go in facing their own issues. They can talk as much as they want, but it’s ultimately a struggle with your self. Whatever terms you come to, you eventually have to face the rest of the world. It’s the second acts’ introduction of Alison Smith as Ed’s fiancée that sets him on a collision course with even deeper issues. The fact that she’s a psychiatrist and her clinical demeanor have driven a sharp spike between the original pair, and Smith presents a fantastic foil to Gilmore’s earlier snark and irreverence. That collision is the set up for a series of hilarious exchanges between Ed, his Id, and the fiancée as they struggle to cope with Ed’s betrayal and identity issues.

Koly McBride brings a fantastic script to life and delivers another wonderful evening at the Paper Wing Theater. And you have no idea how much I wish I had a better sentence than that. It’s unoriginal, it’s not daring, it’s not clever, and it completely lacks the poetic flair that my praise should give it. I sat on the computer for a couple nights, struggling to figure out the right words… and that stupid sentence kept popping into my head over and over again. I would read it, erase it, and then write it again. It’s not that it isn’t true, because it is. It’s that so bland and banal a sentence seems so ill fitting for such a great time. It was well worth my time and I caught my wife laughing out loud at several moments, so why don’t you do yourselves a favor and check out “An Evening with Mr. Johnson”.

MEGA-REVIEW CATCH-UP!!! Tucker & Dale, X-Men: First Class, Perfect Host, True Grit, and more...

2011-10-17T18:04:00.000-07:00

Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil

Let’s take a familiar story and set it askew. College kids on vacation decide to head off into the backwoods, get drunk, go swimming in the lake, generally act like the irresponsible punks that they are and then they run afoul of some redneck locals. It’s a familiar horror film trope. But what if the redneck locals really are just well meaning good ol’ boys? What if the problem is a series of mishaps and miscommunications? This is our basic premise behind the story of “Tucker and Dale vs. Evil”. Our title characters are best friends setting out to repair a dilapidated cabin recently purchased by Tucker with his life savings. When our erstwhile pair manages to rescue one of the kids from drowning, the others believe that she’s been taken hostage and the rednecks are full of ill intent. The kids attempts to “rescue” their friend result in a series of brutal accidents, leading our duo to believe that they’re the victims of some “suicide-murder pact” perpetrated by the girls friends. They also come to believe that they have to protect the girl from her friends and events continue to spiral and escalate out of control. The results, although tragic, are also pure slapstick hilarity.

Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are fantastic as the title characters. Their performances keep the characters engaging and it’s their convincing friendship that keeps the audience interested in the events surrounding them. Their reactions to the brutal deaths are hilarious. Labine is simply brilliant as the well-meaning but somewhat naïve Dale while Tudyk plays it much more straight as Tucker, a man who sees his lifes’ dream turning into a nightmare. It’s a great comic pairing and works especially well with the premise of the film. There are a number of decent gore effects, including the trailer-spoiled death by wood-chipper but the film goes beyond the simple slapstick comedy by giving us a pair of likeable main characters for whom to root when they must eventually face the “evil” of the title.

4.5 out of 5.

X-Men: First Class

So I didn’t expect much out of the new X-Men: First Class film and was kind of surprised to read and hear so many good things about it. I still wasn’t convinced to give it a theatrical viewing, but eagerly snatched it up as a Netflix DVD rental. Based on the comic book franchise, “First Class” gives us a look at the Xavier Institutes’ past and the friendship between the Professor and his nemesis, Magneto. We find an early introduction to several characters in the franchise, the story takes place at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, and we get an incredible villain portrayed by Kevin Bacon. All of the promising comments bore tremendous fruit and the film takes you on an action packed thrill ride with an engaging story. All of this, of course, hinges on the very real possibility that the viewer has absolutely no interest in the comic book or is able to completely forget key issues regarding the characters introduced to the story.

We’re treated to an introduction to Alex Summers, the younger brother of familiar X-Men icon Cyclops. In this film, the younger brother is a prison inmate released from solitary confinement in order to join Xavier’s band of misfit mutants. Although his relationship with Cyclops never comes up beyond naming him Summers, as a fan of the character his placement in the film is frustrating. The portrayal of Alex as an arrogant punk instead of the insightful archeologist and compassionate hero he is in the comics rankles my feathers a little further. But, that would just be one character out of several that included a Banshee AND Moira MacTaggert born in America without the slightest hints of an accent, a female “angel” with insectoid wings and the ability to spit acid or fire or some such, or a completely superfluous character whose only purpose from the moment he hits the screen is to die an ignoble death. I’m not precisely certain how much of the “comic book” actually became included with the film, but I would suspect they had little more than a list of names and powers when the writers hammered out the script.

I suppose a lot of the film can be forgiven for taking such incredible liberties, but I’m a purist at heart and I think that some continuity needs to be maintained when developing a franchise film based on a franchise comic book. I know a lot of people saw this film as the direction in which comic films should be pushed, but it didn’t push the right buttons for me. It’s largely a fantastic film and it’s a shame they had to drag several characters over the coals in order to get it made. I would recommend the film for anyone who has no interest in the comics and would warn purists that there are A LOT of changes to some beloved characters in the series.

3.5 out of 5.

The Perfect Host:

Skeet Ulrich, a fugitive on the run, manages to charm his way into the home of David Hyde Pierce on the night of a dinner party to be hosted by Pierce. Unfortunately for “Fat Johnny Depp”, DHP is not the mild mannered host we originally assume him to be and events quickly spiral out of control. The film mostly revolves around the interplay between Pierce and Ulrich, the latter of which seems out of his depth throughout most of the film. Hyde Pierce is a psychotic bag of trouble for the Fugitive, showing off a scrap book collection of previous dinner “Guests” and taunting Ulrich about the direction of his life. We also find out that Ulrich’s crime is not all we originally believe it to be, as we get constant flash-backs to the love of his life and her medical problems intercut with scenes of the detectives looking for Ulrich. As DHP continues to torture, mock, and humiliate his victim, Ulrich begins to show the audience more of who he really is and we get a real game of Cat & Mouse.

The film delivers some improbable twists and turns and should have probably ended a little sooner than it’s run time, but it had its heart in the right place and was cleverly performed. The real highlight of the film, however, is David Hyde Pierce. There are so many scenes where Pierce just dominates the camera and gives us a glimpse into a mind that is just flat out bizarre.

4 out of 5.

True Grit: (remake)

So the Coen Brothers got together and decided to throw together an updated remake to a classic John Wayne film? I wanted to see this one in the theater, but circumstances prevented me and it took awhile for me to get around to giving it a spin on the DVD player. Having only seen the original once some random number of years ago, I thought it was a fair story that held up well. The Coen Brothers didn’t really do a lot to change it up or deliver something especially new, but this is a much darker version of the story. Jeff Bridges is fantastic as Rooster Cogburn, but he lacks some of the warmth that John Wayne brought to the role. It could be better with the story the Coens choose to tell but the story really does belong to the character of “Maddie”… the young actress portraying Maddie should have a heck of a future. She’s not the spit fire comedy relief of the first film, but is rather a tragic heroine struggling to cope with the loss of her father and the responsibility of caring for her family. She’s a hard girl and her scenes with Le Beouf are exemplary. Probably the weakest aspect of the film is the LeBeouf character. However it seems perhaps it was purposefully so, as Matt Damon seems too soft for the role of a Texas Ranger. Maddies’ cutting remarks hit very true to the mark and LeBeouf is often humiliated throughout the course of the film. He doesn’t seem at all to be the hard-bitten trail hand he claims to be.

I'm not entirely certain why, but I just can't think of much to write about for this film. It was a good film, but nothing I could just talk about for paragraphs at a time. Anyway, I recommend it.

4 out of 5.

TrollHunter

I’ve never been a fan of the “first person” shaky cam affect used in perhaps a few too many recent independent film projects. Troll Hunter follows a documentary crew as they stalk the moves of a known bear poacher. We quickly discover that the poacher is far more than he seems and the crew finds out that Trolls exist. There are different species running wild on preserves throughout Sweden, and its’ the job of this poacher to hunt them when they escape. And that’s what this film is… there are several great scenes, but it’s a lot of running through the woods and some great CGI affects to animate the Trolls our crew comes across. There’s some government conspiracy goodies, some science behind the existence of trolls, and we get a lot of information regarding the mythology of these creatures. Fun film.

4 out of 5.

Animals

This wretched drivel is werewolf fan fiction romance disguised as a serious attempt in film making. The mind numbing “plot” involves a strange woman on the run from her abusive boyfriend, arriving in town, seducing the town “hero”, and then turning him into a werewolf… sorry, that term is never actually used. They get turned into CGI glowing wolf-like creatures of blurry nonsense. Oh, god… and then we find out that the guys female best friend has been one of these creatures all along, but she’s a good woof and yadda yadda blah blah blah. This movie started off slowly, revved it’s engine maybe once throughout the debacle, and then finished us off with an anticlimactic series of endings before mercifully rolling the end credits. There are worse movies out there, but this debacle was a total waste of time.

1 out of 5.

Fright Night remake + Hobo With A Shotgun

2011-08-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

FRIGHT NIGHT: (Remake)

I have never been a big fan of remakes or re-imaginings, so I’m often walking into those types of films with a largely negative mindset to begin with. Now, when you take into account that the original Fright Night is actually one of my all-time favorite vampire films, there were some serious hurdles for me to actually pony up the money to see this particular movie. Casting David Tennant as Peter Vincent goes a long way to leaping those hurdles, but I was still pretty resilient to the idea of this film. Great reviews and several recommendations from friends pushed me over the edge, though I still avoided the 3D rendering.

There is plenty to love about the new Fright Night. Colin Farrell is fantastic as Jerry, danger and feral intensity mixed with shark-like viciousness. This isn’t some sparkling romantic lead and he absolutely revels in the pure nastiness of the role. Tennant is also excellent, though I still rattle at the change from a horror host to some dinky little stage magician. Also excellent are Charlie’s’ mother and Amy, the primary love interest of our lead. Even “Evil Ed”, the socially awkward former best friend of Charlie is excellently played to maximum effect despite not appearing throughout most of the film. So with this absolutely fantastic supporting cast, I was actually kind of irritated that the lead character was such a jerk. From the very beginning, Anton Yelchin plays an extremely unlikeable “Charlie”. He’s ditched his best friends from childhood because they don’t fit in with his new “social clique”, he ogles the neighbor woman across the street, and I just couldn’t bring myself to actually like this guy. Even when he realizes what a jerk he’s been, even when he’s being hunted by the vampire, I just couldn’t really sympathize with HIM. Though Tennant comes across as arrogant and cowardly, I still like him… I’m still rooting for him to be a good guy, to rise the occasion, while Charlie never really manages to gain my support throughout the whole story.

CGI-madness lent itself to some unintentionally awkward gore scenes. If there’s one thing I really hate about CGI it’s when they try to insert blood in a scene. It renders awkwardly and there was far too much usage of the effect throughout the film. In places where traditional effects would have been far better served, CGI dominates. There are, however, occasions where the CGI does work to fantastic effect and provides some great visuals… the vampiric features stand out, some of the stunt work blends well, but it’s just over done. One big negative, for me, was the lighting. I didn’t see the film in 3D and I can’t actually imagine being able to make out a darn thing if I had, it was just so dim. I could barely make out figures amongst the shadows. This made the ending a little anti-climactic at one point. (No spoilers, but it’s another departure from the original that sort of rankled me a bit.)

Okay, so I’m being a little harsh on this film. This was a good film, but it just wasn’t GREAT. It hit a lot of the right notes, it succeeded in every way it wanted to, but I’m still saying that the original was a far superior product and may be a certain sign that I’ve outgrown the latest generation of film-goers. It was certainly better than I expected and had a number of great scenes, including one where I just about nearly forgot that I hated Charlie. He quickly established his lack of charisma shortly there-after, but it was nearly there! Yay? Still... he's no William Ragsdale.

One great shout out, however; Chris Sarandon makes a cameo as Jay Dee (Get it?), a hapless victim who comes upon our heroes in a moment of crisis. I saw no brief moments where any of the other original cast-members so much as stopped by to wave, though. Were they too busy; was the offer ever made, or what? And what about William Ragsdale?!?!! You have to be kidding me... star of "Herman's Head"! Star of the Mannequin sequel! Star of the sequel to the original Fright Night... and the first film, even! You know... the likeable Charlie? BOOO!!!! FUCKIN' BOO!!!! Still, good movie.

4 out of 5.

And then there's this one...

Hobo with a Shotgun

After winning the SXSW “trailer” contest promoted by Robert Rodriguez, Hobo with a Shotgun saw some action when it was attached to the Grindhouse project from Rodriguez and Tarantino. And that was the beginning of its birth as a full length feature.

Starring Rutger Hauer in the title role, Hobo with a Shotgun is just over the top nastiness set to eleven with gruesome violence and unapologetic brutality. “The Drake” and his two sons are psychopathic crime lords, monsters who rule over their city like lords of proper royalty. The police are corrupt, the people are wicked, and there are all manner of scum wandering the city streets. The Hobo arrives and starts to save for his ticket out of the gutter, a lawn mower to help him earn an honest living. It isn’t long before he witnesses a series of brutal crimes (and becomes victim to a few himself), picks up a shotgun instead of the lawnmower, and goes out on a vigilante killing spree. The criminals decide to fight back and all sorts of destructive mayhem occurs.

Look, this is an over the top film with lots of gruesome horror and blood. What’s more, it does break a big rule for me, twice. In one case, it has a proper resolution. In the other, it’s just gratuitous and sort of brings the movie down a few notches for me. But Hauer is also fantastic in the role… a veteran to the genre; Hauer bites into the role with both teeth and tears it apart with pathos and rage. He takes what could have been a one dimensional character and adds depth for one of the best performances I’ve seen from him in a good many years. And three young actors make the most of their opportunities on the screen to make an impact, so the movie is definitely worth a watch for fans of the high octane action along the vein of Crank.

4 out of 5.

REVIEWS: Captain America & Flashback thoughts on The Crow

2011-07-25T23:27:00.001-07:00

Captain America: The First Avenger

“So… you want to kill Nazis?”

In a Michael Bay film you could expect a snarky response in the affirmative. It’s the acceptable norm in most summer blockbusters, the hero is an arrogant B-A with testosterone leaking from his pores by the gallon. He’s surrounded by surgically altered women to fit a cosmetic plastic doll design, accompanied by a wise-cracking sexist moron, and he’s just as cool as cool can be. And it’s precisely the sort of model I feared most when the opening credits to Captain America rolled. Where would Joe Johnston decide to take this film? Could he somehow overcome the Hollywood hype machine in order to bring justice to such an iconic comic book character? The answer is found several minutes into the film when Steve Rogers is posed the question I asked in the beginning of this review. His answer isn’t a light hearted quip; it isn’t a bloodthirsty dismissal of the enemy. He earnestly talks about not wanting to kill anyone, just wanting to do his duty, and wanting to stand up to the biggest bully the world had ever known. In short, he talks about being Captain America. And that scene, in a nutshell, manages to capture the essence of Captain America. And that’s the small stuff, the attention to detail, that allows this film to rise above the saturated market of super hero films and deliver the goods.

Set at the height of the Second World War, Captain America is originally created in order to provide the allied forces with a special unit of “super soldiers” to gain an advantage over the Nazi’s. The experiment is thwarted by Hydra, a sub-sect organization led by the nefarious Red Skull. The one time Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) is simply delightful as the Skull; a driven, intelligent, and deeply psychopathic extremist with plans to not only dominate but utterly annihilate most of the civilized world. The Red Skull’s own experiments and technological monstrosities threaten the globe and it’s up to Steve Rogers to stop him.

Chris Evans delivers a remarkable performance as Rogers. He’s a humble, determined, and heroic character with awkward charm and slightly immature boyishness. His rise to heroism isn’t without it’s own bumps, from a bureaucratic lack of faith in his ability to political opportunism the opportunity to prove himself only comes through happenstance when he joins the USO tour of Europe. And that’s when the action kicks into high gear as the good Captain gathers a team to help him cut the heads off Hydra! Sidekick “Bucky” Barnes is well represented as the childhood friend of Steve Rogers already serving on the front lines. They’re joined by classic “NICK FURY” WW2 era characters, Howard Stark, and other Allied Agents to do battle with the agents of Hydra and the Red Skull himself. The Captain becomes an inspiration and a leader, driving his team to assault the Red Skulls various bases of operation before the thrilling finale!

5 out of 5.

(Flashback review!) The Crow

With rumors persisting of a “Crow” remake on the horizon, I decided to take a little trip back to my wayward teens and pay a special visit to the Brandon Lee classic. I pretty much fell in love with this movie when it came out and watched multiple screenings in the theater before bootlegging the VHS rental with a pair of recorders. I bought the soundtrack, featuring a significant list of alt rock names from the 90’s. I even wore the make up on occasion, but was by no means the only one amongst my friends. It was alt-goth, it was horror, it was cutting edge, and it hit all the right buttons for fandom of the time. It spawned multiple sequels, none of which succeeded in capturing the magic of the first film… as a matter of fact, “City of Angels” was so wretchedly horrible I very nearly walked out of the theater. So now that I’m turning 36 years old, will the movie still hold up to the test of time?

Brandon Lee’s death casts a large shadow over the production of this film. His death was a tragedy, taking an extremely young performer who had just begun to find his footing as a film star in his own right. As the son of Martial Arts legend Bruce Lee, Brandon was occasionally found in a number of features that attempted to exploit the name. Brandon, however, showed fantastic charisma in both “Rapid Fire” and a strange pairing with Dolph Lundgren in “Showdown in Little Tokyo.” Early talk surrounding an adaptation of James O’Barr’s graphic novel said that this film would make Brandon a star. He tackles the role of Eric Draven with great pathos, humanity, and vengeful fury. A revenant returned for a night to gain vengeance on the people responsible for the rape and murder of his fiancée, Draven’s spirit is accompanied by a crow with which he shares a spiritual bond. Immune to harm, Draven spends much of the movie hunting down the men before becoming the hunted himself. The men were all in the employ of a criminal “villain” (Top Dollar) who decides he would like to steal Draven’s power for himself. Eric is forced to remember the life that was torn from him and to confront the aftermath of a tragedy and how it affected others in his life.

Watching the film now feels a little odd. A friend on “facebook” replied to a random post I made about this film being a “snapshot of the time” and I suddenly realized how true that was. The gothic atmosphere and tone are symbolic of the time, when Gen-X found itself thrust into a world largely devoid of purpose. Its bleak setting was a snapshot to the boredom and ennui typified by my generation. The villains were dark reminders of where too many friends were headed, the music was raw, and CGI was just starting to be developed for use in live action films. (You can’t help but to compare some of the effects of today, knowing just how early a lot of the CGI in this film was.) But the story still transcends time and delivers on all the emotional cues; an opportunity for revenge against the perpetrators of a terrible crime.

The film always comes back to Draven and Lee’s performance. We are feeling his pain, we are following his path, and we are sharing his story at all times. Even when he is not on the screen, we know he’s somewhere in those dark shadows surrounding the city. Brandon Lee carries this film beyond the effects and delivers in every subtle movement. So the film still retains much of the impact for me that it had in 1994, and I cringe at the prospect of a remake. I know the project wasn’t precisely faithful to the original material, so maybe there is room for a re-imagining based on the comic itself. But, honestly, I would like to see them leave any reboot of this project for a later time and another generation.

5 out of 5.

REVIEW: Green Lantern

2011-07-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

"In blackest day and darkest night no evil shall escape my sight... " fans of the comic will know the rest, so let me get straight to the point. There was alot of speculation with regards to the casting of Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan. The comedically gifted actor has turned in some fantastic performances as of late with a few of his lesser known films, but there was a big question regarding his ability to play the iconic role of Hal Jordan. With the films release, all questions were answered and Ryan Reynolds wound up being the least of the films problems. He tackles the role adequately enough, presenting Jordan as a reckless pilot thrust into a role of responsibility he isn't quite prepared for. He's quirky in the right moments, courageous when he needs to be, and is just about as vanilla as it gets when it comes to playing a superhero.

There are no major problems with the film. It isn't clumsy, it has decent pacing, and the story is rather traditional in and of itself. It features spectacular special effects, decent fight choreography, and a decent supporting cast. They throw in a prerequisite super sized beasty bad guy threat, introduce concepts for an ongoing franchise, and they have some fun with the concept of the Green Lantern Corps.. But, at the end of the day, Green Lantern is such a "paint-by-numbers" superhero film that it's easy to loose sight of it in the summers gluttony of comic adaptations. It's fun, it's frivolous, and you can munch your popcorn and shut off your brain because you already know how everything is going to work out and how the hero will overcome stacked odds. There is not a single surprise throughout the film. But I already know that I'm a jaded jerk-wad so I defer to the judgement of my six year old son and my thirty-six year old wife... both of whom quickly reminded me that it was a fun movie, a family outting, and it was just what it needed to be. It doesn't really matter that it doesn't try to be more.

I look back to when I was a kid... did anyone ever see the Captain America movie from the 90's? How about the "never-released" Fantastic Four film? Punisher with Dolph Lundgren? Seriously, folks... Green Lantern has the dubious honor of being compared to "The Dark Knight" and "X-Men" and other comic adaptations that have frankly spoiled the hell out of the core audience. So you might read or hear about some harsher reviews from other critis, but I'm going to say that Green Lantern was fun enough for the price of admission.

3.5 out of 5.

FLASHBACK review: Chopping Mall

2011-06-27T18:45:00.000-07:00

Chopping Mall

FLASHBACK to the year 1986! Feathered hair styles were blow-dried out of proportion and low budget studios were tossing out direct to video horror flicks by the handful. It was a glutted market and that left lil’ Mad Mark with a lot of movies to hunt down and peruse at the local video store. I would hop on my bike with a plastic bag, start snatching up bottles and cans, roll on down to the local Grocery Chain and cash in with just enough money for a Video Tape and a few slices of pizza between me and my best friend. Every once in a blue moon I feel like revisiting the memories of those wonderful summer days, the landscape of that video stores’ “Horror” selection, and I feel transported back to younger days.

“Chopping Mall” was just one of a few dozen direct to video slashers at the time. It had a terrific box cover featuring a torn shopping bang full of random body parts. A robotic-looking Panzer-hand with miniature whirling blades embedded in the knuckles gripped the bags handles for lifting and a little bit of blood had soaked through to puddle on the ground. Jim Wynorsky directed the film with a strong nod toward tongue in cheek comedy. Kelli Maroney (I admit it, I had a pre-teen crush on her from “Night of the Comet”) headlines the pseudo-“slasher” flick as Allison, the typical survivor-styled “good girl” who spends much of the movie taking charge, shooting robots, or reciprocating Tony O’Dell’s awkward smiles in typical good girl meets good boy style. She’s flippant, charismatic, and I never really understood why she didn’t make a bigger impact in genre films over the long haul. The film is kind of remarkable for the number of other genre-star appearances as well, including Deathstalker 2’s Michael Terlesky and Re-Animator’s Barbara Crampton. We also had appearances from Dick Miller, Mary Woronov, and Paul Bartel! The characters are actually pretty funny and deliver alot of great lines throughout the film. Terlesky is actually very funny as a gum chewing arrogant jock, while Tony O'Dell is very likeable as the awkward boy-geek in his group of friends.

So here’s the story; a freak thunderstorm has an adverse affect on the Mall’s new electronic security measures, including its security robot personnel. Three Robots, each one named after their corresponding number, begin the festivities by killing their technicians. Eight teens plan on having a “party” in the furniture store where three of the boys work. They are stuck inside the mall as the “Kill-Bots” go on a rampage, hunting the characters down with lasers and other bizarrely installed devices for the sole purpose of killing everyone in its path. There’s a great sequence where one of the characters has their head blown apart by a laser! The film is fully conscious that it shouldn’t be taken too seriously as the teens belt out one-liners not a few moments after their friends and loved ones are quickly dispatched. Eventually the kids fight back, leading up to a rather predicable showdown between the films primary antagonists and their final victims. The whole film was a cheap little thrills ride and it never needed to be anything more, really. The robots were very similar to “Short Circuit”’s Johnny Five, with four clawed appendages and a tank-tread lower body for travel. Heads explode, bodies are tossed about, and laser blasts cause carnage and destruction throughout the course of the film. At a little over an hour and twenty minutes, this little B-Grade flick delivers the goods.

"Thank you. And Have a Nice Day."

3 out of 5

Pirates and Samurai: 2 Reviews!!! (13 Assassins, Pirates 4)

2011-05-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

The new “Pirates of the Caribbean” was due out this weekend and I’d already promised to take the family. So when I flipped open the “Coast Weekly” for movie times, my eyes bugged out of my skull and my heart skipped a happy beat when I saw an ad for “13 Assassins” at the Osio Cinema. Takashi Miike’s latest film was already making the rounds On-Demand, but this was a chance to catch the film on the big screen and bask in the glory of samurai goodness. How? How could I manage this one? I can normally maybe see a single movie if I try, but 2 movies in one weekend? I had rehearsal on Saturday so I would be in town. I had a friend with me who shared my appreciation for Asian Cinema and was familiar with Miike. I needed to check with my wife, make certain that things were alright and I could take a little longer in Monterey than I normally. She said “yes”!!!! So we set out for an afternoon viewing and wound up running into my buddy Shane and his dad on their way out of the theatre. Remo D. had a smile on his face after the film so I was pretty certain I would, too.

“13 Assassins”

This is pure Miike, the man who brought us “Audition”, “Sukiyaki Western: Django” and “Ichi: The Killer”. The mans’ body of work includes family films, samurai epics, horror films, and on and on. He’s a visceral director and goes for shocking imagery, scenes specifically intended to haunt and disturb the viewer. Some reviewers are mistakenly referring to this film as a “Seven Samurai” retread, but the two films actually share very little in common. It is a small number of Samurai against a larger force, we do take time to introduce to thirteen warriors, and some of the characters share traits with the seven archetypes from Kurosawa’s masterpiece. That is where the similarities end, because this is an entirely different story with very different thematic elements. There’s no gang of bandits, there’s no helpless villagers looking for help.

The Shoguns’ half brother is a psychopathic bully whose rapes and murders have driven one retainer to commit Hari-kiri in the films opening scene. The minister of Justice has a dilemma… he cannot ignore the crimes and he cannot pass judgment on the bloodline of the Shogun without condemning the family by extension. With his very existence threatening the peace, the brother must be dealt with quietly and the Chief Justice is forced to call upon the aid of an aging samurai in the twilight of his life. Assassinate the Shoguns half brother as he travels from point A to point B while surrounded by his guard, including their well-trained leader; a classmate and rival to the films’ primary antagonist. And to complete his task, he gathers several men and informs them that going along on this mission means that their lives are his to do with as he pleases.

The preparations from both sides commence as each is very aware of the others final goal, all of this leading up to a brutal and visceral 45 minute battle sequence that pulls no punches and delivers the grue like we all know Miike can. The true horror, however, comes from the personal reactions from the Samurai, their screams and their breakdowns captured in stunning detail. We are given the sights of war, the horrors and the terrors of a battlefield and we’re asked to endure this trial with the characters we’ve become accustomed to. We see some change before our eyes, rising to courage and falling to madness as they endure absolute hell.

I asked a friend of mine we ran into when he came to the theatre what his thoughts were after the film ended. He told me he needed some time to absorb the film and I felt the same way… I was shocked, stunned, thrilled, and horrified by the film. I did not walk out of the theater feeling “good” about life and I didn’t know if a smile was appropriate. The smile wasn’t quite there, but this wasn’t exactly a happy little film. We were dealing with some heavy material throughout this film, including honor, loyalty, responsibility, defiance, and acceptance. But there are two images that continue to haunt me: In one scene there is a woman who has been tortured, used, and discarded by the Shoguns’ brother. When the pull her robe from her we see she’s had all four limbs cut off, we find her tongue has been cut from her mouth, and she takes a brush between her teeth as bloody tears flow from her eyes. “What happened to the rest of your family?” she is asked. She writes and the kanji translates “TOTAL MASSACRE”. Her screams echo in my head now. The opposing image is one where the Shoguns’ brother is surrounded by make-shift walls, having fallen into the Samurai’s trap. The lead Samurai reaches into his armor and draws out a scroll, reveals the rough kanji and bloody-tear soaked words from that same woman and the sub-titles translate “Total Massacre” once again.

5 out of 5.

And now I have to completely change pace… the odd thing is that my two favorite roleplaying games follow this exact same trend. I love Legend of the Five Rings, a roleplaying game set in a mythic world based on Feudal Japan and China. But I go from that game to “7th Sea”, a game based on swashbuckling adventures with pirates and treasures. These are totally different mindsets yet two of my favorite genres. Go figure?

“Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”

Based on a novel with no ties to the original series, “On Stranger Tides” feels a little jumbled together and doesn’t quite hit the same notes as the original series. Johnny Depp reprises the iconic role of “Captain Jack Sparrow” for another outing and hits the seas opposite Penelope Cruz. Geoffrey Rush returns as Barbosa (minus a leg), and Mr. Gibbs returns for a few colorful exchanges but the films story seems centered on peripheral characters that never seem to be given the focus they should. As the Spanish and English Navies race to lay claim to the fabled “Fountain of Youth”, Blackbeards’ daughter helps her father to gather a crew and set sail to outpace both nations. We meet a young missionary who has been tied to Blackbeards mast for no greater crime than having faith, he is saved from a death sentence by Blackbeards daughter for no greater reason than a desire to save her fathers’ soul, and Blackbeard is played by Ian McShane for far too little time to develop a truly enthralling villain. Jack’s only real purpose in the story is that he may or may not have already been to the fountain and would, therefore, be capable of leading Blackbeard and his crew to the site.

It’s not a bad movie. It’s chain-food pizza; not quite the best in town but it’ll do in a pinch. I would have preferred to see a story centered more specifically on the character of Sparrow or to have seen some more screen time given to some of the periphery characters; but the film does manage to scratch that “Swashbuckling” itch. Penelope Cruz is great in her role, though she seems to lack any romantic chemistry with Depp. She could make a great addition as foil to Jack if that sub-plot was ignored for future installments but that remains to be seen. So it’s not the next big thing, it’s not the greatest story ever told, and the plot has a lot of holes left over from the butchering of what had been a promising novel by many accounts (I haven’t read it myself, but think I may now). It is, however, a fun little romp with plenty of gags and plenty of action. Depp doesn’t slow down and continues to have fun with his most endearing character to date while Geoffrey Rush adds just enough pomp to Barbosa to provide a few different laughs.

3 out of 5.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror review?? Spoiler alert.

2011-05-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

Birdemic: Shock And Terror

I once saw a dead bird lying to the side of a nearly desolate road getting picked apart by maggots and other insects. I was riding my bike on a hot day and the smell twisted my gut and forced me to stop, forced me to glance in that direction and I was absolutely awed by the wretchedness of the sight. Drying blood had become brown on the asphalt, little squirming maggots feasted on the moistest parts, and the poor avian creatures’ beak was partly open to reveal more things squirming inside. Flies were buzzing around its body. It was horrible and ghastly, but an oddly compelling image that has stayed with me throughout the years. I don’t really want it in my head but it will always be there. And so will Birdemic. I was enthralled with the ineptitude of this cinematic debacle. This film manages to get every aspect of the medium wrong. From plot to visuals to acting and even the sound, the film is an absolute tragedy to the art and an irredeemable mess in every way possible.

I think about that bird on the road, a desiccated and rotting thing devoured by maggots and how it’s been seared in my minds’ eye. The theme music begins and it’s very loud… and then very soft… and then very loud and the credits roll over a video montage of a small coastal town along the California coast. The wind blows across the camera’s mic constantly and we finally focus on a slowly moving car driven by our films protagonist. Vacantly staring into the abyss, our hero somehow manages to suck any possible emotion from each and every word he speaks with all the qualities of a nervous robot. He awkwardly walks, slowly, from one place to another without daring to swing his arms in fear that too much action might just wear him out. He meets the films other protagonist, a girl who sat in front of him in High School and who is now a fashion model and who he has somehow found the courage to finally ask out on a date. She never stops smiling. Her lips seem to be constantly peeled back from her gleaming white teeth and her eyes are pulled open by invisible fish-hooks. Maggots were eating the eyes of that dead bird on the road.

After offering various concessions and a fifty percent discount on a product, our “hero” eventually makes a big million dollar sale and spends the next first third of the film showcasing the writers absolute ignorance regarding economics in the market place. He follows this up with a brutally awkward first date that includes immediate talk about marriage and starting a family. I never talked about that dead bird on a single date I’ve been on. I think it might be wrong. And when our Hero decides to start up his own business, selling solar panels that use nano-technology, he’s a huge success who rounds up his next big sale in the range of one billion dollars. This entire first act of the film continually builds on our heroes budding relationship with the back-drop of looming environmental catastrophe.

The birds attack.

I stared in open mouthed “shock and terror.” I don’t want to tell you why right now. I can’t tell you why. Please don’t make me remember this?!?!!! Fine… FINE!!! GIF level CGI… we are talking card board cutouts digitally inserted into the film at random points and slowly flapping their wings while floating in place around the characters forced to interact with the lamest special effect EVER put on film. A trip to the dollar store for fake birds and fishing line would have created a better effect, good god! But that first shot is a thing of special beauty… video footage of a town with superimposed images of these birds attacking, dive bombing, exploding, and otherwise creating mayhem. None of these buildings actually explode, mind you… the image of an explosion is simply super-imposed over the building.

I wondered, briefly, if a bird might mistakenly believe I had been responsible for the death of this lone crow and fly at my head. I was twelve at the time. I vividly remember wondering if I would be able to fend it off from me. I never once considered the use of a coat-hanger. And yet our heroes immediately set forth armed with coat hangers and leap into a van where the local Iraqi veteran has stashed a fully automatic rifle and his side-arm. And they drive off for the next act, a wandering and rambling mess of narrative that includes scene after scene of bird carnage and environment catastrophe. And we wander… and we wander… and we pick up two children along the edge of a deserted highway where several cars just kept driving across the edge of the picture frame and the microphone picked up various engine roars. We follow the characters as they dare to enter a small market, get some lunch, and then go on a FREAKIN’ PICNIC ON THE BEACH!!!!! THIS MOVIE IS STUPID!!! STUPID!!!! KILL ME!!! KILL THE MEMORY!!!!

Finally, our heroes face great hardship when they start to lose members of their party. The soldiers’ girlfriend is killed while squatting on the side of the road and the soldier is killed after he attempts to rescue several people stranded on a tour bus. Do you want to know what kills him? This is spoiler territory here… SCREW YOU MOVIE!!!! The birds piss acid on him and the other trapped people! THEY PISS ACID ON THEM!!!!

No, I’m not going to spoil any more of this film for you. I’m done. I’m done with this review. I’m just flat out done. I don’t know if it can ever get much worse than this film… I don’t know if I can handle a film worse than this gadawful monstrosity and I don’t know if I ever want to challenge myself again on this. So, despite the fact that this is the worst film I’ve ever seen… I’m staring at the images in my head and I realize that there is an absolute ugliness to this work and it has to be seen. I can’t dissuade you from putting the DVD in your own player, I can’t keep you from pressing the button, and I don’t want to. I want you to understand what this film is, I want you to understand what I see and what I feel. I recommend that you sit back and watch Birdemic: Shock and Terror in all its wretched glory.

0 out of 5.

Mighty Thor!!! (review)

2011-05-08T18:26:00.001-07:00

The new Comic book adaptation of "The Mighty Thor" is a fairly loose adaptation of the source material. As much as it thrills me to see the God of Thunder brought to life, I've never really been that big of a fan of the comic itself. The whole Donald Blake persona never really hit a spot with me, the romance with his nurse never meant anything to me, and the series was always at it's best when he was just the visiting God of Thunder. So a fair majority of the back story from source material is either ignored or thrown out with nod and a wink to the fans. For the typical fan boy, this is either going to be a great adaptation of some fairly difficult material... or they're going to feel cheated and insulted by the smallness of Thor's scale. Most of the film takes place in the desert or on a sound stage with plenty of green screen CGI effects. It's loud like a summer blockbuster should be, it's action packed, and it caters to the absolute lowest denominator with a constant barrage of low-brow humor and "ass-kicking awesomeness." With that said... I was roughly three steps away from hating the shit storm when I saw the flicker of hope. More on that soon enough.

Anthony Hopkins headlines this film along with Natalie Portman, both of whom chew their dialogue into mulch. Not since Liam Neesons' portrayal of Zeus has an actor given more to his craft. Hopkins is tired... you can tell because he hunches his shoulders, winces with each step, and staggers through every scene with the look of a man who seriously needs to take a crap. I figured that Odin would eventually fall into his deep sleep, but the first third of the film pretty much revolves around him berating the God of Thunder in front of Loki. But as far as Hopkins took the ridiculousness of his role, Natalie Portman seemed intent on making the All Father seem "subtle" by comparison. Portman's blistering smile peels away from her teeth with "awkward pretty nerd goodness" with all the regularity of a John Hughes virgin. She's accompanied by a wisecracking college freshmen hoping to earn some credits for her work with Portmans' scientist character. The sole purpose of this character is to make pop-culture referenced jokes at every opportunity. The heroic science team is rounded up with the presence of a surly professor overseeing the younger Portman's bizarre project of studying... does it fucking matter?!?!?!! Seriously??? It was typical Star Trek gibberish and it doesn't actually MEAN anything... except that the myth and magic surrounding Thor is utterly decimated and replaced with "Alien Technology" on Earth. THE FUCK?!?!?!?!!

Deep breath... because the shining light is on the horizon. Kenneth Branagh takes a shitty script with rotten dialogue and he actually polishes this turd up and creates a thrilling story of his own. Chris Hemsworth is absolutely FANTASTIC as Thor, and Tom Hiddleston chooses a much more subtle and extremely humble approach to playing Loki. And the film is at its best when the focus is on these two characters, and Branagh seems to make certain that editing put the attention on these two characters throughout the course of the film. So while the first third of the film seems destined for a brutal assault on our senses, the project comes together in the second and final acts. The annoying characters fall to the wayside and we're watching Loki fall from grace as Thor struggles to redeem himself.

So, look... this isn't going to be a faithful adaptation of the source material. It sort of feels more like a precursor to The Avengers, reducing the mythology of Thor to some extent in order to preserve the super science of Marvels other signature characters. But it's a fun ride and Hemsworth is fantastic in the lead, so it's definitely worth a watch.

4 out of 5.

Sucker Punch

2011-03-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

"Sucker Punch"

Zack Snyder has already scored a number of points with me for his adaptations of "300" and "The Watchmen", so I was very excited to hear about "Sucker Punch" and saw it as the eye-candy piece it promised to be. I marked the date on the calender, I kept up to date on any changes to that date, and I made certain that I had no other plans to interfere with the viewing of this film. Hell, damnit, I was going to take the afternoon off work just for the chance to see this film. What followed was a series of minor frustrations as reviews painted a negative picture, the theater had technical difficulties, and the bleak weather outside threatened to rain out my entire week. I nearly backed out of my trip to the theater when I found out my son might be heading home early from school but my wife insisted I should go (Saving grace yet again, she deserves so much credit). So, the previews hit the screen and then the film began...

Nothing prepared me for Zack Snyders' vision. Alot of people are not going to "get" this film. That's a given... there's so much going on and the director doesn't really "explain" anything with the films narrative, leaving plenty for the audiences interpretation. A young woman ("Babydoll", played by Emily Browning) is thrown into an insane asylum by her evil stepfather after the death of her mother. She is scheduled to undergo a lobotomy by the corrupt orderly who runs most of the asylum, and she meets the institutes psychiatrist (Carla Cugino) whose introduction sparks the sudden spiral into Babydoll's "fantasy world" where the film dives head first into a second level story. "Babydoll" is now sold into prostitution where the Orderly is actually a pimp, the other patients have become prostitutes desperate to escape their sordid world, and their psychiatrist is now a dance instructor paid to keep them in shape and in line. And Babydoll formulates a plan to escape this nightmare and her own reality, where we find a third layer when Babydoll begins her own "dance" routines... a fantasy world within her fantasy world, where a wise teacher offers tools, advice, and guides the girls through several missions. All of these things lead Babydoll to her redemption and escape from the reality of her real world nightmares.

Okay, and here is where the "fanboy" in me goes a little crazy.... STEAMPUNK-NAZI-ZOMBIES!!!! YES YES YES!!!! Missions in that third level of fantasy include fight with zombies, samurai warriors, mech robots, aliens, cyborgs, orcs, goblins, a dragon, and on and on and on... it's pure GEEK-GASM!!! Sucker Punch never lets up on the assault as Zack Snyder delivers a great story within a story and allows everything to come together nicely for a finely executed ending that goes beyond the Hollywood norm. This isn't some whitewashed film sent through marketing for approval... this is pure art and it's a great beginning for the career of Zack Snyder. His visual style and narrative techniques never condescend and he gives his audience the respect of finding their own interpretations without spelling out every detail through dialogue. I look forward to more work from this talented young man and urge everyone to check out Sucker Punch. You won't be sorry.

A Clockwork Orange: (Live at the Paper Wing Theatre)

2011-03-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

"A Clockwork Orange"

Originally adapted for the screen by Stanley Kubrick, Anthony Burgess' novel explores free will in a dystopian society where the Government has asserted control over many facets of peoples lives. I saw the film a number of times in my youth, but it's the novel itself that has held the greatest impact for me. It's a bleak look into a dark future and leaves plenty of room for discussion, debate, and philosophical consideration of liberty, responsibility, and security. Although adapted for stage and screen in various incarnations, it's Kubricks satyrical vision that drives L.J. Brewers adaptation of the material. The set is beautifully designed with solid shapes and colors against a bleak grey backdrop and graffitti covering the walls of one third the stage. A white sheet and backlight serves as a shadow cast for a number of scenes, allowing the audience to imagine some of the plays most intense scenes. Music fills the play with synthetic and haunting sound from the film as well as some additional choices.

The shows protagonist, Alex DeLarge, is tackled by actor Tyler Vocelka. Tyler's performance is animated, his eyes delivering brilliant reactions to various situations and bringing both humor and menace to the show. He leads his "droogs" through an opening series of "ultra-violent" acts culminating in the vicious home invasion as Tyler belted out "Singin' in the Rain" to chilling effect. Nicholas Kelly, Drew Davis-Wheeler, and Jeff Collenberg are "Dim", "Georgie", and "Pete" and each performer is well suited to their role. As we explore Alex's world we meet his parents (Kelly Machado and Michael Alliman) and Mr. Deltoid (his probation officer played by Jay DeVine). Alex eventually finds himself in Prison after a betrayal from his gang.

All of the actors did a stunning job of presenting the first act. Hardened as I am to some of the scenes presented through a television screen, it was hard to watch some of the scenes taking place a mere twenty or thirty feet from my seat. The scene in the Alexander home nearly drove my eyes to my palms and sent an uncomfortable knot through my stomach as Alex and Dim went to work on the courageous woman (actress: Marlinda Mooneyham) with a pair of scissors and a song. Shane Dallman and Edward Couttolenc (as police officers) eventually bring Alex to justice and we see the mockery of justice in this dystopian society when Mr. Deltoid joins in the taunting of young Alex.

The second act begins with an incredibly humorous Chief Guard (Eric Morton)belting out a list of Alex's personal belongings. Alex is to serve a 14 year sentence, but we rejoin him after two years as he discusses the Ludovico Treatment with the Prison Chaplain (Michael Alliman). It isn't long before Alex is subjected to the Pavlovian treatment and released to a cruel world. There are so many great performances throughout the second act, but it was Tyler's very personal torture that forced this viewer to actually turn his head from the treatment itself. His choking, gagging, and horrified screams became increasingly empassioned and you could feel everything in this young actors performance. When the cold Dr. Branom (Koly McBride) questions Alex about the music, the audience can see the degree of uncertainty before the treatment continues.

So, if you live in the Monterey area and want to see a faithful adaption of one of the most controversial and brutal films ever made than I highly recommend attending the Paper Wing Theatre's adaptation of "A Clockwork Orange". It perfectly illustrates my assertion that art isn't safe and often needs to expose the ugliest parts of humanity in order to make us think. The performers courageously tackle some extremely uncomfortable material and they deserve your regard. Support your local arts.

3 Reviews!!! Voyage, House, Operation:Endgame.

2010-12-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I fell in love with Narnia during the Third Grade. Our teacher had assigned “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” as required reading for that year, followed by a series of writing assignments that explored mythology in other cultures. They were fairly basic assignments, but I was instilled with a love for fantasy that continues to this day. After devouring the first book in the series, I dove head first into the entire series and have often returned several times over the many years to reread the stories of C.S. Lewis. I know there’s a chronological disturbance with “The Magicians Nephew” and “The Final Battle” is not exactly one of my favorite books, but when it comes down to the nitty and the gritty… “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” is probably the most intimate and introduces my favorite character in the series. It begins to tell the tale of a doubting, petulant, and arrogant young boy named Eustace as he joins cousins Lucy and Edmund on one of their adventures to Narnia.

That’s right, faceless reader. My favorite character in the series is also the character that has received the largest number of complaints, including a claim from our local paper that child abuse advocates would probably like to smack him across the face. But it’s not about who he IS, it’s about who he is becoming and the choices that are laid out before him. Voyage of the Dawn Treader is about choice, temptation, and redemption. Oh yes, the strong Christian themes are here and I am just fine with that little oddity in modern cinema. Maybe this is where “Voyage” becomes a little harder to swallow for the public? It is no secret that Fantasy and Theology aren’t precisely great partners, with large Christian fundamentalist groups taking their numerous stands against D&D, Heavy Metal Music, Horror Movies, and the Harry Potter franchise. Additionally, large numbers of Fantasy film fans are tired of feeling pilloried by that same fundamentalist community and aren’t eager to feel the pangs of Christian Spirituality mixed with their Minotaur’s. No character is as great a symbol of intolerance AND salvation as that of Eustace, creating an extremely polarizing character for any potential viewer. Oh, the places we could go with a character study on him… but let’s just focus a bit more on the movie, shall we?

Lucy and Edmund return to Narnia and aid Prince Caspian in his quest to find Seven Lords that were once loyal to his father. His uncle had them banished to some Islands off the coast of the mainland. A growing evil has taken root near the border to Aslans’ Country, threatening the islands as villainous slavers force people there to make ritual sacrifices. Unlike the previous entries, Voyage is much less epic of an adventure and focuses more on the personal struggles of the ships crew as they travel from one island to the next in a desperate bid to seek out the Lords, their swords, and stop this growing menace. The special effects team really outdoes their previous entries by showing a certain degree of restraint and saving the most stunning visuals for when they will count the most. Indeed, the sea serpent is probably one of the most frightening and horrific things I’ve EVER seen on the big screen and it promises to give me nightmares for years to come.

5 out of 5. Definitely one of the most worthwhile films of the year for me.

House

I have found the Holy Grail! In my quest for the weird and the bizarre, I have delved into visions of the nightmarish and the perverse. I have seen the brutal, the strange, and the beautiful and the politically charged to the nonsensical whimsy of madness. I have seen just about everything there is to see in the world of cinematic art, forgetting some and endlessly haunted by others. But nothing holds a candle to the simple bizarreness of this unique “horror” import from Japan. In what may seem like a simple enough story, nothing could ever prepare you for the oddball lunacy that is unleashed with a viewing of “House”.

Gorgeous is a young teen girl whose family vacation is ruined by the appearance of her fathers’ fiancée. Rather than allowing the woman to join them, she sets out to visit her Aunt in the country and brings along a group of friends with a bizarre list of nicknames. Kung-Fu, Fantasy, Mac, Melody, Sweetness, and Prof are excited to be spending time together with their beautiful friend and have absolutely no idea that the girls’ Aunt harbors a deadly secret. With that said… THE FREAKIN’ HOUSE STARTS EATING THEM!!!! No, no no no no no… not eating them, really, but kind of yeah. Okay, it starts to devour them a few pieces at a time but they’re still alive… so we have randomly floating limbs, screaming teenage girls, geysers of blood, a mewling cat, furniture that hops around and attacks people, and people getting turned into bananas after drinking soup with bears. I’m not sure what the heck is going on at any point in this movie, except that this is by far the weirdest film I’ve ever seen. Things happen for no apparent reason, people spout out lines of dialogue that make NO sense… and then more things start to happen. And I’m staring at the screen with the distinct impression that someone else HAS to be watching my response, because this movie is MESSED up.

This is it…. This is the strangest movie I’ve ever seen. I decided to watch some of the extra’s on the DVD, but once I saw the name Ti West my brain sort of folded in on itself and wrapped into a tight little knot. This guy starts talking about the movie as if he’s EVER made a decent film in his life and I’m trying to figure out why this even matters… when I remembered that there are journalists and reviewers out there who will swear by House of the Devil as being the greatest horror movie of the past five years. I looked at this movie and tried to figure out why Ti West, the man who films a girl refilling her glass of water multiple times, has any sort of say in regards to this film. And I listened to him speak… at the end of the day, his comments could be regarded as this: “This is the strangest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s like a childs nightmare.” Congratulations, doofus! You state the obvious…

This movie deserves 4 out of 5. The Ti West commentary after the film in the special features seems perfectly nonsensical with regard to the rest of the film. It’s like asking Eli Roth to do an interview on the special features portion of “On Golden Pond” because Cabin Fever took place in a cabin near a lake. I don’t get it.

Operation: Endgame

Two government assassination squads are forced to kill one another in this extremely dark comedy. The basic premise introduces “Joker” to his new assignment, a covert operations assassination team devoted to furthering the interests of the U.S. government. Their opposing squad, set up decades earlier, is also devoted to furthering the interests… so it’s never really clear where their major differences lay, save that they both work as top secret cover operation squads on the fringe of legality. The events of the film coincide with the change of administrations, the aftermath of an operation gone wrong, and orders to shut down all operations and destroy all data related to their activities. Joker is a seemingly innocent bystander caught up in events, desperate to find a way out of the facility before the entire place is flooded with hot napalm and fiery death.

As much as this film REEKS of political propaganda, the story is actually really good and could have worked with just about any change of political power. As it is, we are often brought into current events with snips of public speeches from “then” newly elected President, Barack Obama. Steve Cordell, “Daily Show” regular, is heavily featured as a middle-aged and extremely burned out senior agent struggling with alcoholism, regret, and the impending psychological breakdown of a man in his line of work. All of the characters are homicidally insane, except for two lackeys left to monitor events on video feeds. Zack Gaffigan, Ellen Barkin, and other cast mates round out an interesting ensemble in the tradition of “Heathers” and ‘Very Bad Things” with characters holding secret plans, grudges, and orders for one betrayal after another.

3.5 out of 5.

Jingle Belles Burlesque Show! Review?

2010-12-09T17:46:00.000-08:00

Jingle Belles Burlesque at the Paper Wing Theater

Burlesque? What does that even mean these days? It’s a turn of phrase that conjures Betty Page imagery with tassels and jazz, maybe a little bit of the old vaudeville comedy, your general hodgepodge collection of talents focused around teasing dances and a fair number of naughty bits. For an odd-ball like me, it’s a big seller in attracting my attention and luring me in to a theater with a promise of something a little different. The Paper Wing Theatre plays host to a wonderful Christmas show featuring the proud traditions of Burlesque, complete with audience participation and awesome dance routines that run the range from naughty to silly to intense and just about everything else in between. Let me make this clear... Burlesque is NOT about stripping! It's a show that features dancing, playful teasing, and comedy.

My wife was roped in from the word “go” and was very eagerly anticipating the event. We wanted to rush the theater with a crowd of friends, all of us prepared to hoot and holler in support of the brave folks who would most certainly face a bit of a chill at the very least. But, friends mostly pulled out and we set forth on our journey for the opening night performance with my brother-in-law as an initiate to the theater’s atmosphere. We were met by my dear friend, Remo D, and his wife with whom I settled down in front row while my wife and her brother hovered behind us by a few rows. So we were all good and settled when the show began and our hostess hit the stage with a quick explanation of what “burlesque” was going to be all about and just what we might expect from the performance this evening. She introduced us to her cast, four women, two men, her stage crew, and Santa “The Pole” Clause.

The dancing was incredible. The opening number did everything it needed to do to introduce the audience to the show they had paid to see as a two dancing dolls were wound up by a very excited Santa. Each performer was featured in a number of signature pieces suited to the personalities of their characters; A teasing glove strip, the mixture of a poisonous love potion, a cute “fan” dance using gift boxes and ornaments for props, and a balloon dance featuring audience participation that even included yours truly popping a balloon. The intensity of a brutal tango number sent a hush through the crowd and a little shiver down my spine as the ladies told their story… passion, defiance, obsession, confusion, need, and desire building in each step and turn. The men were certainly not excluded from the festivities as “Lance Lightninghorse” found himself the victim of an amusing stalking that should be seen before being described. All of them were terrific numbers and the performers deserved all the applause, the hooting, the hollering, and the cat calls they received from their audience.

There were a number of sketches and singing bits, including an ode to “Bulemia” from Lightninghorse and a couple’s big decision regarding the “expansion” of their relationship. Continuing running gags between Santa and the Hostess made for a number of hilarious moments and male co-host “King” was a trooper when dealing with vocal enthusiasm from the audience itself. And, in one of those instances that went beyond simple audience participation, the “stage boy” found himself cheered and “encouraged” as he quickly went to work before and after a number of performances. All of the performances led to a fantastic finale that took the roof off with a great song from our hostess and the antics of her mischievous cast.

It’s a cold season. The Paper Wing offers warm entertainment with delicious hot drinks and a great cast of enthusiastic performers. Instead of shoveling out cash for the same old Hollywood theatrics that’ll wind up on a $10 DVD in three months, spend the evening in Monterey and catch this special Holliday engagement while it lasts. Experience something different with a great crowd. Happy Holidays!

5 out of 5.

2 Reviews: Potter and Robogeisha

2010-12-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

We have come a long way from where the series started; the relative safety of school and the guidance of both teachers and peers is gone and “The Deathly Hallows” forces a level of maturity on our lead characters that each actor rises to fulfill. Potter’s story has always been that of the classic Hero Quest and these are the darkest times within his path. Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters have come into power, forcing Harry to become a fugitive. We travel the length and breadth of the English countryside with visits to homes and neighborhoods within the Wizarding community, but mostly on the run through the vast European Wilderness. As always, he is accompanied by childhood friends; Hermione and Ron. Their quest to discover the horcruxes are darkly mirrored by Voldemorts’ own mission to obtain one of the objects of the “Deathly Hallows”, characters in a faerie myth passed down through the generations.

While many are praising the work of both Potter and Hermione, I thought Ron was the ultimate glue holding this film together and his presence also became the most heroic as he overcame feelings of his own doubt. He owns every scene and constantly provides an emotional connection with the audience as the most “human” of all the characters. Harry is the chosen one, Hermione is extraordinarily gifted, but it is Ron whose family is in constant danger and whose abilities are notably limited when faced with the dangers of their quest. We have a large host of well known Brits providing their talents in a number of limited “cameo” roles, but the story really is about these three young teens coming to grips with being alone in the world. Limiting their interaction with periphery characters becomes necessary, but the little peeks the audience gets into other lives and events does a good job of explaining just how alone they are.

I haven’t been this satisfied with the Potter series since The Chamber of Secrets. It ramps up the action, the suspense, and brings the story outside the relative safety of Hogwarts without the idea that Dumbledore will ride in at any moment to save them. More than worth seeing, this film is also worth seeing on the big screen for the absolutely stunning photography and brilliant European countryside.

5 out of 5.

Robo-Geisha

The Japanese “Gore” films are a sub-genre within a sub-genre buried beneath another sub-genre and require a certain taste in very strange things, a pseudo-punk mentality, and the ability to wrap your brain around imagery dedicated to the soul purpose of blowing out your optical nerves. The plots usually don’t make a lot of sense… they’re sort of threadbare storylines designed to set a hero against a band of colorful villains. They sort of throw in a cacophony of buzzing saws, fountains of blood, and severed parts flying across the screen while bizarre body modifications are used in an aggressive twist. Limbs transform into waving phallic tentacles, razor filled mouths open wide in the middle of stomachs, and so on so fort in the midst of combat scenes. Robo Geisha isn’t quite “Tokyo Gore Police” or “Machine Girl”, but it is far better than the abysmal “Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl”. The splatter punk outrageous comedy is ramped up with armpit blades, secret martial arts “geisha techniques”, and cybernetic implants complete with acidic discharge of bodily fluids.

The bitter rivalry and competitive relationship between two sisters takes center stage in the classic retelling of “My Brothers’ Keeper”. The two women are training to become Geisha, with the eldest sister well on her way to a successful career as the younger is forced to live in her shadow. They are kidnapped by an evil iron corporation with designs on world domination, or perhaps world destruction, and they are trained and modified throughout their imprisonment. The sisters betray one another, support one another, and receive a number of cybernetic implants designed to create better killers. We’re treated to a series of screaming, crying, battle stances, posing, and long-winded introduction of tertiary characters. These fools just as quickly die off in order to fill up a good hour’s worth of time before things start to get REALLY strange. One of the sisters makes a startling discovery, sending her into conflict with her creators and leading to the ultimate battle to save Tokyo from the corporations’ depredations! Yeah, we get a lot of fan service and plenty of grue to satisfy the bloodlust, but this film is just flat out WEIRD. Buildings come to life as giant robo-Kaiu designed to wreak havoc and step on hapless victims and smear them across Tokyo.

I’m not so sure I could really recommend the movie to others, but if this is your cup of tea then have a watch. It’s not a waste of time, at the very least. If it sounds like something you might like, you should probably check out the previously mentioned films in similar style. Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police are far better entries into this bizarre series of sub-sub-sub-genre work, better stories, acting, and effects and just as likely to leave you scratching your head. Robo Geisha is more like the least interesting in this selection, good enough to waste time with but not quite the feast of utterly strange Nippon extremism I’ve become accustomed to over the years.

3 out of 5.

Review: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

2010-11-26T12:57:00.000-08:00

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Oh.
My.
God.

After the tragic results of the first film, I swore I would not pay a single dime toward viewing a sequel. I would go out of my way to avoid Michael Bay films. The horrid filth of the first film could never lower the bar any further than it had. It took a simple premise (giant robots that can transform into vehicles battling one another over a MacGuffin device) and managed to vomit forth a brutal masterpiece of dizzying and nonsensical narrative that never failed to crap all over any storytelling medium. So I took the high road and just decided that I would lay down not one single penny… but then my wife decided to watch the film while I was on the computer in the same room. Add this terrible mistake to her insistence that Star Wars really isn't all that great and her lack of understanding the pure awesomeness that the film brings to this world. This black hole monstrosity of awfulness managed catching my interest enough to wonder what the hell was going on and how the hell they would justify this meaningless stream of filth. I discovered that the bottom of the well hadn’t even been scraped in the original movie. Things were about to get a whole lot worse.

To be fair, one of my biggest complaints about the first film was a lack of on-screen robot bashing. It was all stuff we heard in the background while human actors would give reaction facial expressions. Learning from his mistakes in the first film, Michael Bay manages to incorporate a few more big-robot battles into this farce when he isn’t shoveling bathroom humor down our gullets with a gleeful disregard to human decency. The constant barrage of explosive sound lets up only long enough for the racial stereo-types to glare with the light of a thousand suns and sear their impressions into even the densest of skulls in the frat-boy acumen for which Bay has built a career. Only slightly less grating on the nerves is the presence of the films lead, a punk kid who has made it his personal mission to become the next … something? I don’t even know what he’s supposed to be. I’m not holding my breath. Megan Fox poses and sort of slinks her way between set pieces, reminding everyone who pays attention that the only real female presence in this testosterone laden clusterbang is a vapid doll incapable of delivering even the slightest line of dialogue with a degree of emotion. Her own feminine charms not-withstanding, we do get the surprise delivery of another transformer in human female guise… which simply BEGS to question why they would bother transforming into cars if they could disguise themselves as normal humans. But we’re not going to bother exploring that concept… or the ability to immediately teleport to any other location the planet. Yeah, that’s thrown in there too for no apparent reason. Look, I could tell you about all the things that fail to ever make the slightest degree of sense, but that’s the entire movie. None of it means anything! They go from point A to point A and nothing ever seems to get accomplished.

So let me tell you about something good. This film, for all its terrible dialogue, lack of focus, piss poor direction, obnoxious narrative, and the formless gear, piston, metallic clanging forms that PASS for Robots this film has a bright shining beacon of goodness. This movie has an AWESOME soundtrack. It has the kind of music that makes you think you are watching something FAR better than it is, something that is heroic, daring, a little scary, and epic in scale. When Optimus rises for battle, you almost forgive the script for the deaux ex machina that brings him back into the conflict… you almost forget that you can only barely tell which transformer is which in the formless jumble of gears that clash against one another, so you sort of know when to cheer and when to jeer. The music is so incredibly good. It’s purely the only redeeming quality of this horror show.

The wonderful thing about a bad movie is that is as capable of inspiring the same passion that a good movie is likely to inspire. For as much as I’m sickened and disgusted by this awful travesty in film making, I know that someone else will make a fantastic film down the road that will inspire me to write something of great praise and worthy regard. I love the storytelling medium of film and I’ll continue to see tons of crap in the hope that I will one day find another great film that inspires me to the same thrills and chills of countless other movies. I can still throw Raiders of the Lost Ark into my DVD player and get all giddy to the adventures of Indiana Jones, or cheer the exploits of Ash in the Evil Dead trilogy, or I could cry my eyes out to the Lord of the Rings and realize that there are still GREAT films out there and that people are still making GREAT films to this day. Maybe I’m being too hard on this brutal assault on the medium… the box office certainly seems to indicate that I’m wholly wrong. The last truly great theatrical film I saw had a dismal return, indicating my lack of connection with the general populace on the whole. I am a niche audience.

0.5 out of a possible 5 for this crapfest.

3 Reviews: Doghouse / 30 Days (sequel) / Alice in Burtonland.

2010-11-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

Doghouse

I saw a preview for “Doghouse” a few years back, just before its initial European release and long before U.S. distribution would land this film in my mailbox. Danny Dyer was heavily featured in the trailer and I had just discovered his particular “charm” after his performance in Severance. In “Doghouse”, Dyer hits familiar notes as the egotistical womanizing jerk in a troupe of British mates taking a holiday trip to the small village of Moodley. Their goal is to distract best friend “Vince” from his recent divorce through drink and rough-house drinking in a small town atmosphere away from the city life the boys were usually living. The seven mates arrive in the town only to find it a near-barren wasteland nearly devoid of life and split up to wander around. Things hit the fan when they’re attacked by the blood-crazed cannibalistic female residents of the town… the “Zom-birds”, if you will.

Okay, that’s the premise of the film. What this film is really about, however, is a grown man coming to terms with his own maturity and recent divorce. He has done everything the right way for so long, only to wind up losing his wife because she’d grown “bored” with their life. He is frustrated and angry, he feels as though all women hate men, and his buddies are all coping with different stages of their own lives. So he and his buddies run from one hiding spot to another, chopping, stabbing, burning, and otherwise behaving in a rather ungentlemanly manner to the towns’ female zombie residents. Because, what this film is really about is a bunch of goofy blokes getting attacked by female “zom-bird” slags.

Brit-slang and dry wit humor blends with a decent amount of prat-fall gags and gory F/X. The verbal interplay remains consistent between the characters, each character seeming like lifelong mates out for a weekend jaunt away from their spouses. While Dyer may own most of the film, he’s in strong competition with the extremely likeable and nerdy heart of the troupe, Matt. Mikey, desperate to please and impress his blokes, also rises to the occasion time and again. The movie is funny and kept me entertained from start to finish with a group of loveable goofballs. Even the misogynistic Dyer comes off as redeemable when all is said and done.

4.5 out of a possible 5.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days

A story has a beginning, middle, and an end. The original film featured a fairly standard ‘siege’ premise when the Alaskan City of Barrow faces a month without sunlight and the hungry assault from a clan of vampires. We followed Eben as he made difficult choices and struggled to save the people he loved from a terrible fate. We had a beginning as the sun set and Eben was unable to help his estranged wife catch the last flight out of the city. The people of Barrow settled in for a harsh month and a mysterious stranger had disabled communications with the outside world. The middle came in a wave of hunger as the vampires took to the city, slaughtering and killing with reckless abandon. Eben struggled to keep his family and friends safe from the harsh cold and the unrelenting horror that stalked them. And he faced the end of his story, but for that you should see the original 30 Days of Night and probably stop reading this review. That’s the end of the story.

But with any successful property, there’s always an attempt to recapture lightning in a bottle. Attempting to expand the tale beyond its fitting end, Dark Days continues to follow Stella in the aftermath of her survival against the undead. She has published a book about her experiences and is touring the country to spread her tale, to create a wider awareness of the vampires’ existence. She’s caught the attention of the undead and a number of people who are actively hunting the monsters. Lured by a promise to disrupt their ‘system’ by killing the vampire known as “Lillith”, Stella once again does battle with the undead and makes several startling discoveries.

Actually, it’s not all that startling so much as it’s just lazy writing. We find out that vampires who burn in the daylight can be reconstituted, completely destroying a number of scenes from the original film. Lillith is about as threatening a vampire as can be when she has almost no lines and pretty much struts around the screen and stares people to death… there’s no depth to her character and she completely lacks the menace of the first films lead vampire. Heck, she isn’t even nearly as threatening as the first films child vampire. Added to the growing list of problems is the introduction of “Dane”, a “Good Guy” vampire who is somehow able to curb his thirst and attempts to help Stella and the new Scoobie Gang track and hunt down the undead. In the wake of her towns’ destruction, Stella has become a chain smoking, booze swilling, teeth-clenched grumpy pants “tough girl” semi-hero straight out of central casting. One of the best parts of the film features the death of a fellow hunter when he turns, leading one of the cast to say “We’ve never had to kill one of our own.” Stella flippantly mentions that you get used to it, to which I’m looking back at the events of the first film as Eben did all the dirty work while Stella sat around crying. What, precisely, is she supposed to have gotten used to? And what’s with the attitude?

Dark Days does feature a number of good gore effects. On its own and ignoring the back story of the original film, it’s a fairly good vampire hunter film. But when you compare it with the original, or when you look at it as a continuation of the characters struggles, it fails on an epic level and reminds you that a good sequel should always respect the original films ending.

3 out of 5.

Alice in Wonderland

What, precisely, was wrong with the original story of Alice that Tim Burton felt the need to only sort of and kind of address its original premise with this supposed sequel to the original story? It is never billed a sequel, of course… it is presented as a wholly new vision to the original Lewis Carroll story as presented time and time again throughout the years. It is designed to look like Alice, it is designed to feel like Alice, but the original story certainly didn’t leave enough room for a headlining Johnny Depp to chew up the mess of dialogue and deliver Carroll’s poetry in a dreadful hodgepodge of semi-European dialect accents and drunken Captain Jack slurring. And yet Depp goes out of his way to out-weird himself in full make-up while Burton forces the cast and crew into one poorly designed green room effect after another in an attempt to recapture the same exact vision he’s already brought us time and time again. It’s like Burton just takes a weird story, adds more weirdness to it, grounds it with the same thematic presentation of EVERY single other film he’s ever made. Take a deep breath, try to relax, and enjoy the film for what it is…

Alice is a young girl who might very well be mad. Her father disappeared some time ago, possibly dead though we never really find out the truth of it. He might have just gone mad himself, and his former estate is now owned and run by a family friend whose own son is preparing to propose marriage to the young Alice. He’s well-to-do, of course, and everyone expects the girl to accept because it’s only sensible and everyone does the sensible thing in a sensible world… except for the one single outsider that Burton continues to place in all of his films, leaving that one person to deal with the hostility and persecution of a normal world again and again and again! I FREAKING GOT IT WITH EDWARD SCISSORHANDS YOU TIRED HACK OF A … .deep breath. Enjoy it for what it is. So, Alice the loon takes off right after the proposal and chases the Rabbit into the hole and goes through the motions… again, it seems. We’re told that she’s doing all of this again by the residents of Wonderland, who are all familiar enough with Alice to hope that she is the right one. You see, this isn’t just a remake of Alice… it’s a sequel, I suppose, though they didn’t ever say it was going to be a sequel… GARGHGHGHGH!!!! Because the original material isn’t weird enough? Because WHY?!?!! I’ll tell you why… because Johnny Depp is the Mad Hatter, and Mrs. Tim Burton needs more screen time to weird up the theater with her bizarre British mannerisms when she’s really just a tired old slag!!! ARGH!!!! Deep breath!

The movie isn’t bad… it’s just nothing we haven’t already seen, and nothing we haven’t already coped with, and nothing to do with Alice in Wonderland when all is said and done. It’s a hodgepodge collection of random elements from the story swirled around to tell the same exact story Tim Burton made famous with Edward Scissorhands, Big Fish, and countless other fantasy adventures. Fans are going to enjoy the work because it’s the same thing he’s done over and over again, but I couldn’t stop marveling at how magnificently he managed to work in more and more screen time for both Depp and his own wife. The Red Queen and the Mad Hatter were important to the story, but didn’t have near the presence they happen to carry in this reworking of Carrolls original story. So, to be fair, it’s neither incredibly bad or awfully good… it’s another Tim Burton movie in a glutton bundle of Tim Burton films.

2.5 out of 5

2 Reviews: Centurion / Night of the Demons (remake!)

2010-11-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

Centurion

The legend of Rome’s Ninth Legion has survived for centuries. They were purported to have disappeared into the mists of the Scottish highlands, never to be seen again. Historians have long since disproven the story, but it makes for some stunning material with which to weave a dramatic story. Writer/Director Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers, The Descent) asks what might have happened and manages to create a thrilling adventure. Early in the story, a Roman soldier (Michael Fassbinder) is captured by the Picts after a successful raid on his outpost. The Ninth Legion manages to rescue the escaped prisoner and then walk into an ambush. Nearly wiped out to a man, the soldier leads a rag tag group of survivors on a daring rescue of their stalwart general. Things do not go according to plan and the troupe is forced to run, harried by the Picts in the aftermath of their unsuccessful rescue.

The film starts off quickly enough, but seems a little clumsy for the first several minutes. The Legion are not heroes, they are soldiers on a mission. The Picts are defending their homeland. It becomes difficult to identify with the Romans. They are portrayed as arrogant, bullish, and bloodthirsty. They are the invaders of a land, and we start the film by seeing them in a terrible light. Their enemies and the films primary antagonists seem far more sympathetic at the start. We get the gory goods from Neil Marshall, but the man is no slouch at telling a story. What seems clumsy at first actually comes together later as roles become reversed and we see the Romans as vulnerable and desperate. We see the Picts become set on the hunt, sadistic in their own cruelty, and vicious to their own people. Fassbinder grows into the role of the “Centurion” of the title, leading his adopted men through the terrible winter wasteland of the Scottish hills in a desperate attempt to evade his pursuers. This is yet another terrific film from one of the most talented directors of our time and something

The harsh winter cold seeps into the marrow of the film, allowing the viewer to imagine how the land itself is rejecting the presence of the Romans. Swirling gray clouds shift and swirl constantly, threatening to break open with a frozen snow or rain. The terrain is jagged, uneven, and difficult and we feel each stumble and fall as the men scramble to reach safety. Hardcore traditional effects generously splattered with blood were shot on location. The battle scenes are brutal, with limbs savagely ripped or chopped off and faces painted in tortured agony.

I definitely urge my readers to check out if they get the opportunity.

4 out of 5.

Night of the Demons

Remaking “Night of the Demons” is actually a pretty good idea. It’s a little known cult classic with a great many faults but a terrific little Halloween Night premise. There’s a strong enough fan following to provide instant interest, but just enough wiggle room to do something a little different and possibly improve on the original source material. So it actually came as a surprise to me when I rented the remake and discovered the depths of an epic failure that so brutally scrubbed my brain with its utter lack of anything worthwhile to bother with the time it takes to actually watch this trash. I’m at a loss of where to begin, because this movie doesn’t just fail in simple direction, acting, or special effects… it leaps into the worst CASTING decisions to possibly plague such a wretched little project, promotional material that puts forth its’ best effort in displaying the vapid lack of thought from a single person on the cast or crew, and even a location that boasts the least eerie “haunted house” to ever grace my screen.

Shannon Elizabeth, a person who seems very sweet and gentle, is terribly miscast as the vampishly sensual “Angela” upon which most of the film relies in order to provide a degree of menace. But you’ll notice that Elizabeth is described as both “sweet and kind” which makes her attempts at “vampishly sensual” seem awkward at best and just flat out clumsy at worst. It’s usually at “worst” when she attempts to slink her way across a room or intimately wrap her arms around some future victim. But; there seems to be a genuine love for the genre work in her excitement for the role, so I feel badly about ragging on her performance. Honestly, I don’t think it was her fault. This terrible casting decision pales in comparison to Monica Keening and co-star Edward Furlong. Neither actor shares the slightest shred of chemistry with the other but we’re supposed to believe that their failed relationship will provide the emotional anchor their characters need. Furlong is just plain hard to watch while Keening is flat and terrible as the films main protagonist. She sucks the excitement from a scene and makes several unsuccessful attempts at sarcastic dialogue in order to maybe come off as cool or snarky. Attempts made, and epic failure achieved. Just about the only redeeming thing about this movie comes from the brief cameo made by Linnea Quigley, a feature performer in the first film.

The story is something like this… Angela rents the old manor house with a foul reputation in order to throw a wild Halloween party. The police shut the party down because she’s charging each person an entrance fee and she forgot to get a permit, leaving her high and dry. We also have a number of subplots that eventually lead to several other guests becoming locked into the property until morning, and then they find some bodies in the basement. Angela begins to turn into a demon and spread the infection… oh, man, this actually sounds like it’s not so bad when I describe it. I’m not doing you any justice… so let me be frank: We had about thirty minutes of character development that never went anywhere and achieved absolutely NOTHING in the way of making this a better story or movie. The characters were bland and meaningless, random faces to be splattered with blood or some other fluid. The demons incomprehensible weakness to “rust” became utterly ridiculous with an actual attempt at logical explanation through dialogue… what?!?!!! You hit them, they burn, end of freakin’ explanation! The roguish thug hero of the first film is replaced with an incomprehensibly pathetic drug dealer who gets introduced with one of the most long-winded back story scenes that never EVER meant anything with regards to the rest of the story. And, in case you missed it, he makes certain to keep explaining why he’s freaking out over and over and over again until you simply stop caring. Oh, boy does this movie suck.

The director offers a pre-taped introduction filmed at and for the San Diego Comic Con, promoting the film as a “Punk Rock” horror flick that includes the first demon anal sex scene. I’m not kidding. That’s what he chooses to focus on for promotional material in this flick and he delivers on precisely that promise, but even THAT comes off as just flat out boring and uninteresting. Really, the whole movie is an exercise in tedium with interesting concepts that never really work.

2 out of 5

Reviews: Lost Boys (The Thirst) and "Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl". MORE...

2010-11-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

Lost Boys: The Thirst

The Frog Brothers are back in the latest Lost Boys film, reuniting the first films vampire hunting duo for battle against the Undead. Edgar Frog is out on the skids, no longer so gung ho about delivering massive awesome death to the undead. He struggles to make ends meet by selling off his comic collection, scrap by scrap. Just as the bank prepares to foreclose on his property, Edgar is hired by a vampire-romance author to track a vampire rave and rescue her brother from the clutches of the evil DJ X. There’s a little bit of story with DJ X using Vampire blood as a drug in order to transform a literal army to do his bidding. This is a simple follow-up story featuring a spin-off on characters from the first movie and it’s not exactly going to set the world on fire… but it’s precisely the kind of story the fans of the original will most likely want to see. Edgar takes center stage, Alan returns, and the rest of the movie has some fun with itself and with modern vampire mythos.

Corey Feldman is spot on, once again, as Edgar Frog. It’s a role he created and it’s one that the actor seems to enjoy having fun with. He’s joined by Jamison Newlander, reprising the role of Alan Frog and eagerly hitting the right notes for a return to form. A flashback reveals the reason for Alans’ absence in the previous film, a forced transformation into the very thing they hate has driven a wedge between the brothers Frog. Having survived for the past several years on animal blood, Alan keeps himself away from temptation and he’s become very bitter. Sam Emerson is also gone after the results of “The Tribe”; so Edgar recruits some new help in the form of a reality show Hunter and a clerk in the local comic book store. We get a classic “bug Hunt”-style film with the good guys hunting vampires in the sub-basement of an abandoned meat-packing factory.

There’s plenty to gripe about with the film, however. The raving vampires are extremely one-dimensional and DJ X is little more than a footnote to the rest of the film. The Vampires are fashioned after the 30 Days of Night shark-teeth monsters, there are obvious allusions to Twilights’ author in Edgars’ employer, and there were far too many “flashbacks” to the original films bonding moments between the brothers and Sam. Gratuitous scenes of sex and violence are to be expected, but seemed very out of place with the tone of the film. The pacing of the story staggered a little bit around the middle, but eventually found it’s footing in the finale and with its’ awkward tongue-in-cheek humor. There was an obvious desire to stick with a lot of the formula that worked in the first film, a good number of lines rehashed for a follow up story.

3.5 out of 5.

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl

I have spent nearly half the day attempting to recover my senses. I’m trying to shape a cohesive thought, write an honest opinion, and offer my dear faceless readers a fair and objective view so that they are capable of making an informed opinion before watching this movie. I don’t know if that will be possible. My brain is a pile of mush, having been brutally dragged through the blood geysers, flying body parts, and lunatic characters of “Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl”. The Japanese import of this film includes some of the most bizarre scenes imaginable, taking direction from previous Japanese Gore-comedy films like Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl in order to raise the bar a little higher.

This movie is f’ed up! Look, I tried to be professional… read the above paragraph, because it sounds like I’m still a little sane. But no, I’m sorry, that’s not the case here. This movie is twisted and bizarre and I don’t honestly know if it was good OR bad. I just know that it was, and I’ll never be able to un-see that which I have seen. Vampire Girl, a new transfer student, is in love with one of her classmates and tricks him into tasting her blood. Her interests are opposed by another school friend, whose father is secretly a twisted scientist seeking to bring life to the dead… while dressed in Kabuki make-up. Surrounding this bizarre love triangle are a series of characters including a “wrist-cutting” club, the “Dark Girls” club, Igor the janitor, and a school full of potential victims, peeping tom teachers, and a seductive school nurse. The gore is way over the top and flatly ridiculous. But if you think the strangeness ends there, you are sorely mistaken… a totally twisted soundtrack mixes show tunes, fusion jazz, and playful ditties that completely warp the mind.

This skull-fucked movie isn’t going to get any star-rating. It goes right next to “Meet the Feebles”, which means you watch it and YOU take responsibility for that decision. I won’t take the blame and I am definitely NOT going to take the credit if this sort of thing spreads any further beyond my eyes. You want it, well it’s not so hard to find anymore.

Riff Trax: House On Haunted Hill (Fathom Event)

Not so much a review in this case… I decided to take a night to myself and headed off to the theater for a Riff Trax special event. Fathom Events tends to rent out space in a number of theaters across the country for simulcast promotional bits featuring the Opera, huge concert recordings, anime films, lectures, and other things. It’s kind of a special treat for people who pay some attention to these sorts of promotions… in this case; it looks like it was me and one other couple for the Riff Trax event. The boys from MST3K have been doing this performance tours for a number of films, riffing movies and shorts from coast to coast… and I love a good movie riff as much as the next guy, though probably a little more.

They opened their show with some good riffs on Instructional Video shorts, featuring a grocery witch and a talking paper bag. The talking bag was probably the most frighteningly funny thing I’ve ever seen, and I dread the day that wood pulp takes over the rest of the world with its awesome might. This poor film never stood a chance, and I almost feel a shred of sympathy for the makers… but then I remember all the school shorts I had to sit through and those unholy monstrosities can rot for all I care! I saw my first real autopsy in a school health class… what kind of sick monster decides a graphic depiction of cutting fat encrusted arteries is good learning material for middle school? You want to tell me that???

Then they went to the main event and I finally got to see Vincent Price on the big screen for the first time in my life. Price and all his mustachioed glory with the little quirks and grins and that highly distinguished voice trilling through dialogue that can’t help but sound far more respectable than it really is when he speaks it. The film was a classic schlock-fest seen in hundreds of Horror Host variations, quite possibly over-riffed if such a thing were possible. But I wanted to take another trip to the “House on Haunted Hill” to have a quick look-see, gander through the colorized rooms and admire one slow pan after another from William Castle as he belted out a good feature-length story with only an extremely small number of gags. I love Castle films, so I would’ve seen this if the guys weren’t riffing… but as it was, I was laughing until I cried. And then I got a headache and they wouldn’t stop cracking jokes, and I was in tears, and my head was pounding, and they JUST WOULDN’T STOP!!!!

The show came to a close at well past the two hour mark and I was clutching my skull, hoping for a blessed end to the horrible torments inflicted through the gift of laughter. I chuckled and guffawed and even gave a donkey-like “HEEEE-HAW!!!” at some point in the evening, giving wonder to theater mates who muttered that I had to be crazy or inebriated, but of course I was not the latter. That always leaves the former, but you all knew that already. So let me close this brief commentary that I enjoyed the Riff Trax event and hope to see some more as time warrants. Now presently and next… Midnight and the Genetic Opera!

Review: Let Me In

2010-10-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

Owen isn’t a happy kid. His parents are getting a divorce, he’s bullied at school, and he has no friends. When his mother isn’t stuck in the bottom of a bottle, she’s far too busy to notice the crumbling child left in her care by a father we never really meet. The harsh New Mexico winter brings a steady snowfall and a new neighbor, Abby. The strange girl walks around the snow without shoes and is cared for by a secretive father. As a friendship blossoms between Owen and Abby, a series of grisly murders begin to haunt the city. Unlike the original film, “Let Me In” doesn’t obscure the real menace… Abby is a vampire. She’s a monster from very early on in the film and this adaptation drives home the absolute horror in this tale. And that’s where this film differs from the original Swedish version. It’s not fair, but it is extremely difficult to watch “Let Me In” without comparing it to the original Swedish adaptation of “Let the Right One In”. The announced remake, even if it was going to mark the return of Hammer Studios, had already set my mind against the film and I wasn’t even going to give it the opportunity to let me down. I had no idea how wrong I was going to be proven when I stepped into the theater.

Vampires are monsters. Let me make this clear for you, dear faceless reader… Vampires are undead monstrosities that need to survive on living blood. They do not sparkle, they are not super heroes, and they do not woo the teenage love interest and buy sports cars and vacation homes for fun and leisure. They feed and they hide from the light of day because it will kill them. They keep their identities a secret because ignorance is their greatest weapon. They exist for as long as they continue to feed and they are slaves to this hunger. Abby is a cute little kid, but the thin disguise shatters and we see her for the monster she is. Blood and gore drip from her chin, her eyes are blackened by feral hunger, and she quickly decays without the source of her strength. We don’t have exceptions to the rules; we don’t have arrogant monsters proclaiming their immunity to movie magic. We do have a dyed in the wool hardcore vampire unable to enter people’s homes without invitation, weak during the day, and fearful of discovery. It’s the devotion to traditional horror that sets “Let Me In” apart from the pack or recent trendy vamp flicks or teenage angst horror. The introduction of a potential “Vampire Hunter” character also gives the film a twist that I thought the original lacked. The police officer is brilliantly played by Elias Kotas and provides a much needed “human” touch to the story.

There is a brilliant use of focus and lighting in order to obscure features and isolate certain images. In many cases, the obscurity itself is isolated to show a sense of separation and seclusion between the characters. The director breaks with traditional expectations in order to capture difficult imagery, including a gruesome car crash sequence filmed entirely from a stationary position from the backseat. The films only real failing comes with the CGI sequences, somewhat out of place given the look of the film. But even that failing isn’t enough to detract from the whole of the story. Hammer is definitely back on the map!

5 out of 5.

Review: Frozen

2010-10-12T17:45:00.001-07:00

Shot on location during a harsh winter month, Frozen is the story of three young college students stuck on a ski lift. The perfect series of mistakes are made, leaving the three kids up on that lift without hope of rescue for at least a week. And while it sounds like a simple story, I know what might be running through your mind as you read this: All the ways in which this couldn’t possibly ever happen, all the things you would do if you were in this situation, and writer/director Adam Green obviously had the same thoughts you had. This is a simple story, but its telling will rip your nerves ragged and leaving you wincing and near tears. This is hardcore and it will not stop tearing at you once these kids are stuck, ripping at your heart and your soul as you see them make mistakes. The simple act of touching becomes harsh and vicious when frostbite sets in, and then the unflinching burn from a relentless sun simply beats down on them all day long. There is no merciful reprieve for our main characters; no clever till turn of chance and opportunity that lands a pizza on their laps. They are stuck and time is working steadily against them.

Two boyhood friends regularly take the mountain ski trip in order to get away from the stress of their school life. They’ve made this trip on dozens of mountains, sharing jokes and camaraderie in the way so many men have. They’ve been bound by a lifetime of familiarity and experience. But now the girlfriend of one of the two wants to tag along wants to learn how to ski, wants to spend time with the man she loves and share in his experiences. This is a triangle dynamic where two people hide their resentment of one another for the sake of their one point of common concern. So as much as this film is about three people facing the rigors of nature, this is also about a group dynamic that seems destined to crumble from the very beginning. The acting is unbelievably intense with an unbelievably deep performance from Sean Ashmore that finds greater strength than we think him capable of at first.

Look, going any further with regards to this film will spoil it for any future viewer. I’ve seen many horror films, as my blog attests. I love the genre, from the gory and sometimes comedic to the serious and oftentimes disturbing. “Frozen” falls into the latter category. My nerves were shot through with panic, fear, and pure horror. I was left a ragged little ball of tear-stained misery by the end. Green presents a film that is intimate and personal with a kind of horror I rarely ever find in this day and age. He drives a proverbial fist to the gut, yanks you back by the hair, and spits on what is left of your dignity with a cocky smile and dismissive drop to the ground. That damn Green just has a knack for doing sadistic things to my mind, I think.

5 out of 5.

2 Reviews: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird & Pig Hunt

2010-10-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

Joheunnom Nabbeunnom Isanghannom

“THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE WEIRD” is set during the Japanese occupation of Korea and northern Manchuria with all the trappings of a traditional “spaghetti” Western. The Good (Woo-Sung Yung) is a fairly straight laced bounty hunter on the trail of a number of outlaws. The Bad (Byung-hun Lee) is an outlaw and assassin with a checkered reputation for cruelty. He is sent by a crooked employer to steal back a map from the Japanese representatives of a bank in the northern mainland. His plan to rob their train goes awry when another outlaw hits the Japanese train car first, introducing The Weird. Yoon Tae-Goo (Kang-ho Sung) is a fairly comedic loser pulling a number of small jobs when he manages to get his hands on a coveted map. The rest of the story involves a race to secure the map and find the “treasure” to which it leads. The three main characters are pursued by Korean Rebels, the Japanese Army, and outlaw criminals hoping to cash in.

Though we have three main characters, it’s really The Weird who stands out as the heroic scoundrel with his eye toward the prize. A mysterious past and a bizarre reputation for survival seem a little hard to believe as you watch him stumble across one good fortune after another. His fumbling across the desert toward his goal and the consistency to which he seems to fall one step behind everyone else seems to prove the adage that fortune favors the foolish. Stunt work highlights the antics of the Good. He swings and leaps from rooftop to rooftop, rides herd on the entire Japanese army, and blasts away at the thuggish outlaws with his trusty rifle. “The Bad” is a sadist, murdering friends and foes alike to fill the emptiness within him. He has little interest in the map, however. He pursues the Fool for a past slight, a loss that has not been forgotten in a great many years.

Dealing the goods on Asian-style action cinema, THE GOOD sets the mythic Western on fire with a number of inspired twists on familiar sequences. The classic train robbery, a visit to a house of ill repute, and cowboy style vigilante justice takes a step toward the East. The Japanese occupation is reminiscent of America’s own Civil War period and the Cavalry charges from Army outposts. A blend of traditional “Moricone”-inspired themes play throughout the film with a number of soft jazz themes and disco twists. The amazing soundtrack builds on the already wonderful action sequences and creating an atmosphere that settles this western firmly in the East. Director Ji-woon Kim (Tale of Two Sisters) continues to prove that he is a force to be reckoned with for future releases.

4 out of 5.

Pig Hunt:

Joining the “After Dark” festival and Sam Raimi’s “Ghost House Releasing”, Fangoria’s Fright Fest is this years Halloween series of “independent” horror releases coming straight to DVD for major distribution. James Isaac’s (Jason X, Skinwalkers)“Pig Hunt” seemed the most promising title in the bunch; a crazy blend of backwoods horror and monster animal stalking. John Hickman’s (Travis Aaron Wade) uncle used to take him hunting as a boy, so the young man decides to pay a visit to the old cabin and bring along a bunch of friends for their first hunting trip together. Once in the woods they hear the story of “The Ripper”, the monster pig that may have been the cause of his Uncles’ death. The premise introduces a couple of San Francisco “city slickers” heading out for a weekend hunting trip. John brings his girlfriend along, they run across some backwoods hippies, a pair of redneck brothers sharing a troubled past with the films lead, and a mythical Hogzilla type of monster who randomly stalks and kills various characters. The promotional material promises a gory horror comedy DVD, but only manages to get one of those adverbs right. The film is certainly gory, but even that does not save the film from its many faults.

Pig Hunt, how do I approach thee? You have all the makings of a wild and crazy backwoods horror comedy, complete with colorful characters and a soundtrack by the legendary Les Claypool. Why, then, do you waste nearly an hour of your precious film stock with the characters walking through the woods? I understand that they were trying to build some sort of tension, but it never really pays off. Some of the “Boys” don’t like the girlfriend (Tina Huang), the redneck brothers don’t like the main character, the girlfriend feels a little out of place, and none of it makes any real sense. The group dynamic seems to have no real reason to be angry with one another, even going so far as to explain the Redneck brothers’ history and then blowing it off as a somewhat meaningless childhood accident. The truth is, these people are just tense and frustrated and maybe a little spoiled. The more time spent on building tension, the more we realize that these people have no reason at all to be tense with one another except for the fact that the story requires it. A little tighter cut would have probably done much more to drive the film forward, but it just sort of meanders along to the catchy music and delivers a bunch of gory kills between scenes of dialogue.

As far as the Fangoria Fright Fest goes, Pig Hunt delivers a fairly standard little bit no more or less exciting than the average direct to DVD feature. I didn’t find anything special, but the film delivers on gore with a few decent performances outside the completely bland main characters. The Redneck brothers come off as one part creepy and another part common sense intelligent, making it hard to tell if they were supposed to be villains or not. This is one where I’m bound to find a couple of people thinking that I’m insane to have not liked the film, but the truth is that I just didn’t find it all that interesting.

2.5 out of 5.

REPO! The Adventure Continues...

2010-10-09T03:36:00.001-07:00

My love for "The Genetic Opera" is certainly no secret. It was one of the most anticipated movies of the year for me when it came out, I drove well over two hours and into the heart of Berkeley in order to catch it on opening weekend, and it's become a staple diet of cinema to share with friends. My wife and I both consider it one of our favorite adventures and even she, who is not a fan of gore, enjoys the music and spectacle of the opera. So I kind of jumped a little for joy when the local Paper Wing Theater decided to run a live performance and a friend of mine was lucky enough to join the cast. I knew I'd be going, I definitely picked up tickets when I got the chance to swing by and meet him, and I was definitely eager to see what they would do with the presentation. I had to miss opening weekend... I had to miss the following weekend... but I finally managed to swoop in for a front row seat in the splatter zone, my wife and I dressed as satisfied Geneco customers.

First, let me get to the heart of a very serious rumor that may be going around. I did not actually cry during the final duet between Shiloh and her father. I was leaking precious hatred and violence fluid through my optical nerves. I did not openly weep at the heartbreaking performance of Allison Bojorques because everyone knows that my heart is pure iron ore and I am a manly MAN! With that said, I hope these horrible rumors come to a brutal and quick end and that no one even thinks that this young womans' performance came anywhere close to having any such effect on me. With that said, I think the Paper Wing Theater found pure titanium with her performance because it would have completely blown away any person of lesser fortitude than myself. AS it was, I sat rooted in my chair without a single real tear flowing down my cheek. Shivers along my shoulders and down my arm were clearly coincidental.

The blood did flow from open wounds, splattering knives, and a sadistic display of bone, organs, and human suffering. Driven forward with a live band performance, the opera unfolds as pitch perfect Graverobber introduces the world we've been transported to. A world where all people should fear the legal assassin, the dreaded Repo Man. Do not for one moment mistake my admiration for Shiloh as any sort of dismissal for the rest of the cast. This performance, quite frankly, may have ruined any future viewings of the DVD in my collection. Blind Mag's voice was haunting, the Largo brothers shared incredible chemistry, and Rotti's voice simply COMMANDED attention. But the story really does rely on a duel performance from Nathan, The Repo Man. One part a caring and loving father, the other a monster and villain without remorse. L.J. Brewer pulls it off fantastically and you absolutely know which is in control at any given time. We get all the best music from the theatrical release in addition to a number of songs that only barely appear, if at all, in the film. I held off this long in mentioning Amber Sweet for only one reason... probably one of the best songs performed was Ambers "Blame Not My Cheeks". It's an odd moment of campy levity, and Amber is AWESOME throughout the whole show. Quite honestly, I think Ambers' character is an extremely important counter to Shiloh and is an extremely risque performance as a result. Bravo to the whole cast, all the smaller parts I may have glossed over... the Surgery Sluts, those who testified, those who died... fantastic! AWESOME!!!

Look, I have every intention of catching this show again. I'm hoping to drag more people with me, in chains if necessary. I don't want to have to resort to that tactic... I don't want to drag folks in at the end of my hook, don't want to tie them to a chair, don't want to pry their eyelids open, but I'm not entirely well in the head.And I assure you, even if you do see a slight measure of dampness around the eye area, those will not be tears. I don't know what excuse I'll come up with next time, but I'm sure it'll be another doozy.

I'm pumped. I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to write this review, but it's now 4:28 AM and I'm still wired from the show. I went to work all day and did the Office Drone thing until my eyes were aching... but now I can't get to sleep!

HATCHET 2

2010-10-01T19:23:00.001-07:00

Moments after the last Hatchet film ends, Hatchet 2 opens with Marybeth managing to escape from the clutches of Victor Crowley(Kane Hodder). Danielle Harris replaces Tamara Feldman as our heroine whose encounter with Crowley reveals horrible family secrets. She looks for help from Reverend Zombie(Tony Todd) and a group of local hunters to return to the swamp. They prepare to hunt a ghost that no one really believes in. What follows is a blood-soaked, balls out, gory ride through the Louisiana Bayou! Adam Green is completely unfettered by the MPAA in this film and every splatter, tear, and rip comes through without interference and in all its horrid glory.

Green manages to assemble one of the best casts in order to present his story. He pops a number of genre vets in front of the camera for various moments, looking for a cheap giggle before hitting you with a genuine laugh in well timed dialogue. He manages to deliver good gory fun throughout the film. After collecting the group of colorful characters together, Green systematically one ups himself with one violent kill after another as he eliminates the hunters and narrows in on Harris and Todd. There are hatchet deaths, the belt sander returns, the biggest chainsaw ever wielded by man, and the bodies pile up as buckets of blood are liberally splashed around in glee. I don't want to spoil anything, but everytime I thought that Green couldn't possibly top himself the man would virtually rip my jaw out and deliver another gruesome horror bit of candy for my eyes. I had high expectations for this film as the first quite literally knocked my fucking boots off, so there was no way I was going to be forgiving if this thing didn't live up to the hype. Green took my expectations and shattered my goddamn skull with the heel of his boot, laughing sadistically as I cried in a puddle of my own blood and piss.

Tony Todd manages to snatch one of the most interesting characters he has ever played, a voodoo con-man with insidious designs on the swamp of Crowley. Todd goes over the top in his presentation, a spooky drawl and fluttering hand motions dismissed as so much bullshit by the people that know him. But beneath the goofy con beats the heart of a true scumbag who uses peoples low expectations of him to trap them in a truly insidious plan from the very beginning. Tony Todd's haunting voice narrates the twist on Crowley's origin that the first film only began to touch on, a backstory that presents a death bed curse and answers the question regarding Victor's mother. Another surprising performance gives some emotional depth to the role of Crowley's father, also played by Hodder. R.A. Mihailoff (Leatherface) and Tom Holland (Director of Fright Night and Childs Play) join the cast in pivotal roles. Parry Shen also returns, brother to the first films' tour guide.

5 out of 5... and more. More more more! This film finally sated my bloodlust, the first film to do so since Dead Alive! Incredible gore and a special effects team that deserves all the praise they are likely to get. Slasher nastiness pushes the envelope and raises the bar.

Expendables, Evil Aliens, The Losers, and Witchville reviews and thoughts

2010-08-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

The Expendables:

Balls to the freakin’ WALL!!! Big booms, big bangs, blood, guts, gore, and a healthy delivery of sarcastic quips peppered liberally with more bullets than you can shake a stick at! Sylvester Stallone continues to prove that he’s a relevant source for action entertainment with his latest blockbuster film, “The Expendables.” Gathering a cast of action film stars that includes Bruce Willis and the Governator (Each guy pretty much stopping in for the perennial cup of coffee) is a daunting enough task, but Stallone manages to throw together one of the best “Buddy” team pictures in a very long time. They just do not make them like this anymore. Stallone is a veteran soldier who’s seen a bit too much action, struggles to get by, and looks for some sort of connection within himself. Jason Statham is the hot shot British merc whose recent romantic troubles remind him that his life is far from normal. Jet Li is the dutiful friend and soldier lamenting the need to feed his growing family. Randy Couture reads “self-help” books and attends regular therapy sessions to explore his “issues”, while Jay Crews is the big man who loves big guns. The odd man out, however, is Dolph Lundgren as a drug addict riddled with psychosis on the verge of finally breaking after too long of a life spent on the edge. The group meets at their garage, where Mickey Rourke handles the day to day operations and focuses on various artworks (Tattoo, decals, painting, etc.). Stallone succeeds in creating a fantastic group dynamic between the films Mercenary Force, a group of men who seem straight out of the pages of manly “sweat” pulps of the 70’s and 80’s. In addition to the cast of Mercs, Stallone also brings in former Pro-Wrestler Steve Austin to assist a megalomaniacal ex-CIA operative played by Eric Roberts. Also, providing some more martial arts action, Stallone employs B-Action star Gary Daniels with a Fu-Manchu to stand in Austins’ shadow.

I know they’ve had a number of “Buddy” merc team films this year, including the A-Team, the Losers, and on and on… but those are modern day big budget soopah Visual effects. This movie was straight up practical in almost every way, with some gut wrenching fight sequences utilizing honest martial arts and wrestling instead of the “Matrix” wire work and CGI that the big studios are drowning in these days. Stallone delivers a smash mouth film and doesn’t let up from the get go. Bodies are blown in half, heads pop like melons, and on and on. It’s a throwback to the way films were made in the Reagan era, with all the glory and ultraviolence ramped up to an eleven on the volume control.

The story follows the men as they take a job from Bruce Willis; kill the Dictatorial leader of a small island nation off the coast of South America. The usual blend of twists and turns, including betrayals In addition to handling the job, some of the men are also dealing with personal issues back home. Charisma Carpenter plays the love interest for Statham, Lundgrens’ demons come up to haunt the team, and the turnstile door of Rourkes’ love life adds comedic flavor to a tragic anti-hero. Lots of action, practical effects, a good number of very gory gags, and fantastic performances from a number of the actors involve elevates this movie from a typical actioner to one of the biggest coup de grace of an era I’ve long been missing. Lundgren and Rourke are fantastic in their roles, with Statham adding the usual charm and caustic wit he brings to a number of his characters. Stallone offers excellent direction for an afternoon popcorn muncher.

4.5 out of 5.

Witchville

I’m the kind of guy who actually enjoys a number of the Syfy Channel movies, going out of my way to watch them when I get a chance or order them through Netflix if I do manage to miss a few. But the truth is that this godawful title for a film inspired nothing short of a casual smirk in disinterest. Lazy Sunday afternoons with a back ache and a general feeling of lethargy is often enough to change my mind, however, and I flipped through a large number of channels before settling on this schlockfest at the very beginning and sticking it through the whole way. No real name actors, plenty of hokey effects, and a synthed out soundtrack brings me right back to the 80’s once again! So the story became rather predictable and the production values were fairly cheap, but I was raised on “Hawk the Slayer” and “Sword and the Sorcerer” as the epitome of Fantasy Film in a childhood that was bereft of a Rings trilogy. And in that vein, Witchville has a solid story and takes itself seriously enough to warrant more than a passing glance.

A Prince returns to his kingdom after the death of his father. He quickly discovers that plague, famine, and a pestilence have been plaguing the lands for some time. Let’s make a short story even shorter… the captain of the Guard is sent to retrieve the prince and bring him home. The Prince is a reckless drunkard lout who hangs out with the Captains younger and far more reckless brother. The three men quickly discover that a coven of Witches, led by the Red Queen, are responsible for the foul curse that has spread throughout the land. They join forces with a mad Witch-Hunter and track the witches to a small village… hence the title, I assume. They don’t spend much time in the village, the majority of the film taking up the journey to it and the protection of the Princes’ kingdom afterward. Such as it is, the title of the film was a real bad plan. There were witches, there was a village, but it doesn’t really work as a “Witchville” sort of thing… I mean, I at least hoped for a Who’s On First moment, but nope!

Some blood, bad CGI, and sword play round out this mediocre effort for a decent matinee flick. The guy from Eragon shows up as the Captains younger brother, fights, gets beaten up, tortured, and that’s pretty much it so far as big faces. Some guy from the band of 300, some other dude playing the Prince, and you get the picture.

3 out of 5.

The Losers

DC-Vertigo titles are for a “mature” audience, which usually means we get a couple of cuss words thrown around while people die and do outrageously inappropriate things with one another in the fantastic cause of pushing the envelope. They have a couple of well known titles, including Hellblazer, Sandman, and Swamp Thing… but mostly, Vertigo excels in obscure titles like “The Losers”. If you’re not familiar with the comic series, don’t feel bad… I only barely remember ever seeing the title on the wall of a local comic shop a few years back, and I honestly had no interest in picking it up. And when it came out in the theaters, my interest was only mildly elevated. Honestly, it looked like some director wanted to emulate the frenetic editing and terrible yellow filter lighting of the dread Michael Bay School of making movies.

But I’m a man of modern means and “The Losers” was honestly my cup of tea from the description, pretty much a roller coaster ride through the pulp sweats of the 70’s and 80’s. A military team of five crack specialists is betrayed by their CIA handler, so they’re out for revenge. It doesn’t get more basic than that, and they find the means to deliver said vengeance when a femme fatale walks into their lives and provides them with intel and funding to get the job done. The rest is all testosterone pumping action with an interesting performance from “Lost Boys” alumni Jason Patric as Max, the CIA handler turned Evil Global Terrorist. The rest of the movie is standard paint by numbers action formula with too much flash editing and an entirely useless special F/X shot of the “doomsday” weapon in action.

3.5 out of 5

Evil Aliens

HOLY BLANKETY BLANKS!!! This British import film tears the familiar pages from a number of low budget gore-masters and develops an entirely unique brand of twisted wackiness in this slapstick horror comedy. This sick film is going to become a cult hit in short time, featuring alien probes, alien pregnancies, dismemberments, crucifixions, and buckets of gore dumped across the screen. It’s the kind of movie you watch with a group of friends and laugh until your sides are splitting. The vomit inducing gags are hilarious and cringe-worthy at the same time… look, you already get the gist of what I’m telling you here so you don’t need me to spell it out for you.

The host of a “Mystery”-type haunted tales hunting ghosts and monsters type of show gathers a skeleton crew in order to film a local woman deliver her sad tale of extraterrestrial pregnancy. No one who works on the show actually believes in “aliens” or any of that rubbish, save for the one fanatic brought in as a “specialist” on the subject. Very quickly, the cast and crew find themselves under siege alongside the pregnant woman and her three brothers. The aliens are sadistic monsters and the film crew really isn’t much better as the two forces slice, dice, chop, and surgically mutilate one another in a nasty bid for survival.

5 out of 5.

Ass Kicking Reviews including in depth thoughts on TNA's HArdcore Justice PPV.

2010-08-15T14:03:00.001-07:00

Kick-Ass

When Mark Millar hit the scene with a number of edgy renditions on classic and wholly original titles, it wasn’t long before his work was bound to hit the silver screen with some sort of adaptation after another. He has a feel for the pulse of a jaded youth culture and a negative outlook that would make Nietzsche proud. There’s a strong influence from Alan Moore in his approach to stories, especially in the finale portion where all things are brought to a head. He really started to gain a name for himself with his work on the Ultimate Avengers, notoriously having the Hulk perform acts of sadistic torture for the sure joy of it while also turning Giant Man into a wife beater, forcing Captain America to dwell within his anachronistic tastes, making Thor an environmentalist, and on and on. So, for those of you who know me, you probably realize that I’m not a fan of his work. “Wanted” saw a world ruled by Supervillains where a young man is chosen to carry the mantle of his Assassin father, and ultimately becomes no better and no worse than just about any other super villain with a psychotic fixation on abusing the world around him. He followed that independent title up with “Kick Ass”, a story about a milk-toast kid who decides to don a costume and play vigilante in the modern world. This wretched story sends you home with the same moral as “Watchmen”, that the people who want to do right in this world are sick and twisted people who should be put in a funny farm.

The movie removes a number of the more disheartening elements from the comic and delivers a fairly psychotic dose of ultra-violence played up with heroic themes. After the death of his mother and a life that pretty much drones on, a teen boy decides to don a costume and become a vigilante in order to fill some sort of a vacuum in his life. While he tries to tell us that there were no major events, no sudden catastrophes, no special reason for donning the costume it becomes apparent that he’s not really all there in the brain and this sudden break came after a series of lifes’ disappointments have threatened to swallow him whole. It doesn’t take long before the audience is let in on the fact that he’s not the only game in town, and the teen eventually meets the crime-fighting duo of “Hit Girl” and “Big Daddy”. The duo have been waging a personal and extraordinarily violent war with the city’s lead criminal empire, not so much acting the part of costumed vigilantes as they are purely psychotic serial killers.

The story depicts all the mental problems and insecurities that would drive most of these people to pursue these lives, but we’re too often asked to put aside the nagging disgust that rises when “Big Daddy” shoots his own daughter to get her ready for their mission. It tries to be “funny’ but often comes off as uncomfortable, and the fight scenes are far more vicious than you would have imagined from the commercials or ad campaign when the film came out. Another problem is that the films’ lead character doesn’t really do much and often comes across as a somewhat clueless putz, fawning over his romantic interest and narrating line after line of meaningless diatribes in order to sound hip and throw around comic book references. By comparison, the character of “Hit Girl” virtually steals the movie out from underneath the lead, Big Daddy is one of the best performances from Nicholas Cage in a long time, and even the awkwardly diabolical “Villain” comes off as a more endearing character than the lead.

4 out of 5, but I’m not even sure it really lives up to that rating. I’m torn on this film.

Gamers (spoiler alert)

Not to be confused with “The Dead Gentlemen” production or its sequel, “Gamers” is actually a mockumentary documenting the lives of a generic gaming group celebrating their 25th anniversary of gaming with one another and hoping to break a record on total hours played. Featuring cameos and bit roles from several established “stars” in Hollywood (John Heard, Olivia D’Abo, and William Kat amongst some few others).

Look, all five guys are portrayed as alternately stupid, socially awkward, obsessed, and infantile. None of the men have decent jobs, none of the men are shown to be in a steady relationship, and none of the men seem to have any sort of a life outside of their small little fantasy outing for a few hours on a given Saturday night. And, of course, the game acts a source of embarrassment for some of them and taken far too seriously by others. It’s actually a fairly insulting sort of a film and seemed more than a little bitter toward a hobby that many perfectly well adjusted people play on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, the end of the film finds the group breaking up in order to explore what else life has to offer them and somehow automatically become (somewhat) successful in their lives. All they had to do was give up their hobby, of course! Things like this kind of irk me, because these are people whose lives were messed up long before and after the discovery of a game. Perhaps the game actually helped them find connections and friendships they wouldn’t have otherwise? No… they just weren’t athletic or handsome or whatever, so they wound up with an RPG instead.

Stupid.

2.5 out of 5.

TNA: PPV Hardcore Justice

Let’s be honest… it was an ECW pay per view with TNA footing the bill. And the honest truth is that I’m glad it was precisely what it wound up being. I was really depressed for my birthday, dwelling on things best left alone, when I had a friend convince me to order the PPV and give it a go. I thought that maybe it would be a couple of guys from ECW and a couple of guys from TNA, but it was honestly just a start to finish ECW show with all the bells and whistles. The show was a solid salute to the old promotion, hitting all the familiar notes with some impressive build up and a “101” lesson in how to book wrestling shows and angles.

The FBI, Kid Kash, Simon Diamond, and Johnny Swinger opened the show with a good comedy match that featured dancing, goofing off, and a decent amount of work from the matches lead workers (Guido and Kash). It wasn’t much in the way of showing what ECW was made of, but it provided a light-hearted opening to the PPV. Kash and Guido were wrestling like this was an opportunity to show Dixie Carter that they could both still go and the rest of the crew actually did their best to put over the two men. Tony (Marma)Luke took an especially nasty bump from Kid Kash and got spiked into the mat with a double underhook piledriver. Nice stuff.

We then followed up with a number of testimonial features from the performers of yesterday and today, talking about the influence of the promotion and providing commentary on their memories. These kind of things played throughout the show. Al Snow, Steven Richards, and some members of a club dressed in Blue whose name was not allowed to be put to use did a good backstage bit where Snow did what he does best.

Too Cold Scorpio Vs. CW Anderson: A much more serious match with plenty of stiff shots on the part of both men. They’ve both been working, primarily, in Japan for the past ten years or so. And it’s the fairly traditional clash of styles… one a technician on the mat, the other an aerial high flyer. Both men worked a solid match with Scorpio hitting the Tumbleweed for a finish.

More video packages. I'm not going to bother giving the break down on all of them.

Steven Richards vs. PJ (Justin Credible): Credible doesn’t seem all that interested in being at the PPV and somewhat phones in a performance. Kind of makes me sad to think of this guy as washed up, but I think his confidence is frankly shattered beyond redemption and he figures he’ll never step up his game again. Richards, on the other hand, is a rising star in TNA and does his best to get a good match out of Credible. Unfortunately, the whole thing kind of comes to a bizarre end when Sandman hits the ring post match to dish out a beating on PJ with the Singapore cane. What’s worse is that this is the only appearance from the Sandman for the night, and it was kind of pathetic all around.

Brother Runt (Spike Dudley), Al Snow, and Rhino come down for an ECW classic 3-Way Elimination style dance. Good match with solid work from all three guys. Al Snow showed more than just a little of what he’s still capable of. The guy doesn’t look his age at all and hit a number of impressive moves before elimination by Runt. Great comedy bit with a triple down, with Runt and Snow trying to get each other DQ’ed and Rhino finally picks up the win after nearly cutting the Runt in half with a GORE GORE GORE!!!!

Chair Swingin’ Freaks hit the ring and call out any tag team… and they get a “Well…. Well…. Well… “ in response. Team 3D hits the ring with Tye-Dye and Joel Gertner for the traditional Brother Gertner opening poem. Bubba reminds the Freaks, one Axl Rotten and one “Kahoneys”, that no one is paying to see them “wrestle”. So we get a South Philly Brawl, which is just another way of saying a classic ECW rules “Hardcore” plunder and broken furniture match! This match was awesome, hilarious, and everything that’s missing from wrestling in this day and age…. It was FUN!!! Lightsaber duel hit the high point of the match with a flaming table in the finale.

Afterwards, familiar sounding music hit the arena and out come the Gangstas and a whole set of brand new plunder. They beat up everyone… and then they hug, celebrate, and head backstage. Not a very well-booked ending, would have rather seen them as part of the match in whole than for a quick little intro like that. But New Jack, Mustafa, JB, and So-Cal Val have a good little bit backstage after the match that I found fairly interesting.

Raven vs. Dreamer: Ultimately, the only real angle leading into this PPV was the end of a long running feud between Raven and Tommy Dreamer. They threw everything into this match, using their build up time to remind the fans of what has gone before and just what this feud was all about. So there was a lot riding on this match so far as writing, booking, and performing. Dreamer and Raven aren’t in their prime any more, they’re both in their late 30’s and early 40’s with two careers stacked with injuries. Despite the limitations, both men brought us back to the mid-90’s with a fantastic brawl. Best match of the show by far, which is actually a little surprising given the Main Event.

RVD vs. Sabu: Sabu shaved his head?!?!?!! Unlike the previous two men, RVD still seems to be in the prime of his career… but he’s really the only one who is. It would have been smarter to build a larger story around this match, putting some heel heat on Sabu and giving the ECW original freak a real platform to perform. AS it was, both men gave a solid performance but lacked any real psychology or story to build… on it’s own, the match would have been a solid one on one. As the Main Event to a Pay Per View?

Post match the performers hit the ring and gave a last call send off to the fans and one another, giving me warmth and comfort for memories I feel special to have shared with a number of like-minded individuals. But those are years long past… and that’s a little hard to swallow on a birthday.

Several Reviews: 1st Week of August.

2010-08-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

Green Lantern: First Flight

I decided that I needed a little break from the usual rough and tumble gore in order to give this animated feature from DC a chance. Several classic comic book characters have been receiving some rather decent animated adaptations on direct DVD in recent years, so there’s a fairly solid track record that this movie wouldn’t be gank. Unfortunately, the general fan base consensus had pretty much written off this movie and left it in rental limbo for me without much of a desire to skip ahead and give it a go. It was on my list for a long time and had some time longer to go before I decided to shuffle up the list and give it a viewing despite several warnings to the contrary. To be honest, I’m glad I did.

The film plays fast and loose with Hal Jordans’ origin, puts the Lantern into an early conflict with Synestro, and is forced to prove his worth as a member of a the Green Lantern Corps.. The film sort of plays out like an animated version of “Training Day” with Synestro in the Denzel Washington role, a bad cop with a good reputation taking on a rookie partner in the form of Hal Jordan. The two men try to track down a nefarious crime lord in possession of the dread “Yellow Substance” that is the only weakness to the Green Lantern power rings. We find out that Synestro isn’t exactly on the side of the saints as Jordan slowly proves his worth and gains the respect of his fellow Lanterns.

The animation is good with solid action pieces and fantastic attention to detail. The voice acting puts me in the mind that perhaps Michael Madsen should actually BE cast as Kilowog at some point, but everyone else sort of falls to the wayside and pretty much phone in their performances. The script is decent, but no where near the level of writing many fans would have come to expect in following up the much more ambitious Brave New World project from a few years back. But with the upcoming live action film on the way, First Flight is a good prep toon for young fans to whet their appetites and maybe get into the fan boy spirit of things. And this is where I think a lot of reviewers have the film wrong… if they were expecting an edgier sort of “Batman”-esque feature, they’ve entirely forgotten what it is to be a kid and watch cartoons on Dad’s lap.

3.5 out of 5

*prelude Note*

The MPAA doesn’t always make a lot of sense to me. As an “industry run” ratings board, they are given a lot of leeway to make some fairly bizarre choices with absolutely no oversight on precisely what they do or by what criteria certain movies are judged. There’s a fantastic documentary on the MPAA called “This Film Is Not Yet Rated” and features a number of film comparisons, the reason for the boards’ initial existence, and closes with a revelation on the identities of several people involved with the MPAA. Ultimately, however, the MPAA is beholden to no one and they continue to cast ratings in ways that make very little sense to the viewers. I could do a whole rant about the MPAA and their utterly ineffectual existence with the day’s modern technology and means of distributing information regarding film content… but this is all actually a prelude to my review.

Infestation!

I’m not certain where the hard-R rating came from on this creature feature, unless maybe a few cuss bombs were thrown about a little too carelessly. The violence isn’t especially graphic, though it features several insects blowing up in white-gooey messes and spewing webs and such. It’s actually a fairly tame movie with some decent comedy, and a PG-13 rating probably would have guaranteed this film saw at least a slightly larger theatrical run… as it is, the film looks doomed to DVD shelves and late night Syfy Channel reruns before it will ever gather any sort of cult following. Despite the lack of B-movie theatrical experiences, video store desperation purchases, and the recent boom of big budget films available on demand through our cable or computers… I do think that B-Movies are an important aspect of the cinema culture, so it’s with that spirit and that sentimentality that I offer this review of “Infestation!”.

Archetypical wise crank “Cooper” wakes up inside a webbed cocoon and immediately comes face to face with a giant insect in the opening moments, only to discover that the entire city is overrun with these strange creatures and everyone has been asleep for more than two days. He starts to wake up other people, pieces together some of his missing time, and then sets out to return home to his fathers’ bomb shelter with a rag tag group of “survivors”. Fairly typical giant monster infestation story with a good number of gross out effects, the survivors are picked off but the human deaths are really not all that gruesome and most of the splatter comes from our insect buddies. The film does bring a rather haunting visual when we learn that some of the people are being transformed into “gatherers” for the insect queen… sprouting insect legs, looking fairly zombi-rific and carrying food to the hive.

The rating for this film, in case you missed it, kind of irks me. It’s a hard R film with a PG-13 mentality, the sort of film that introduces “creature” films to a younger audience while also entertaining the classic creature fan. It’s not like I would take my kid to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but I have no problem with taking kids to see Gremlins. And that’s the kind of film “Infestation!” is; a fun little action horror comedy with wise cracks and only a little bit of emotional gravity. The grue is a punchline, a splattered bug on the windshield or a victim carried off into the sky and maybe dropped a good distance away so he bounces off a few roof tops. There’s a small fear factor, just enough to make you shift in you chair at a young age but with just enough humor to keep you laughing as the gags build up.

4 out of 5.

7 Mummies

The low point for the week features a number of convicts escaping into the desert with a hostage female guard and a couple weapons. Cutting the excessively long story short, they wind up in a town straight out of the old west where it’s rumored that gold can be found. Wow, even this shortened explanation is taking too long… shorter story shorter, the townsfolk are zombies controlled by mummies, of which only one of them is of any real significance. People die, people live, people run through the desert with really bad cinematography and the rest is z-grade nonsense masquerading as something more than what it is.

2 out of 5 with an extra half point for Danny Trejo’s cup of coffee walk-on role.

Maniacs, Hulks, and Sci-Fi Classics: Tons of Reviews to be read and believed!

2010-07-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

I’ve been eagerly anticipating the release of a sequel to 2001 Maniacs, with news trickling through the websites about various attempts to develop the films story and casting difficulties. The project still remained within the capable hands of the films first director, Tim Sullivan, and that was all the promise a fanboy like me really needs. He promised more comedy, more blood, more grue, and when it came time to deliver he rushed his cast together and shot at a breakneck schedule in order to deliver on that promise. So, 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams hits the store shelves in a direct to DVD market that was frankly thirsting for some fresh blood.

Returning to the cast are Granny, Hucklebilly, and the two brothers. All four manage to steal just about every scene they’re in with psychopathic delight in the roles they were already familiar with. Granny, especially, manages to focus her character on more than just the occasional insane laugh or slapstick comedy by providing a sort of depth and emotional stability to the rest of the cast. The gory gags splatter the screen with due regularity and we even get a re-imagining on the infamous “Barrel Roll” scene from the original 2000 Maniacs that had been notably absent from the remake. But that’s about as far as the remake goes in satisfying any expectations.

Most notably absent from the original cast is Robert Englund as Mayor Buckman, who is replaced by horror veteran Bill Moseley. But this just isn’t any Mayor Buckman, this is George W. Buckman (GET IT?!?!?!!) and we are reminded of this fact with just about every appearance that Bill Moseley makes in the film. It’s a gag they repeatedly hit us over the head with, along with many more gags to come! Racial and cultural stereotypes strut across the screen with varying lisps, speech impediments, physical attributes, prowess, and on and on and on… some of it humorous, most of it insulting, and none of it really well done. Moseley lacks the charm and natural boyish humor that Englund brought to the role, taking the role in a far more slapstick villain direction as he rants and raves to one of his most disappointing roles to date. Moseley is capable of better and I don’t quite understand his failure in this film. Also notably replaced was the role of Harper by Skinny Puppy lead singer “Ogre” who lacks even the slightest shred of Southern Gentleman dignity that had been brought to the role by Guisseppe Andrews. With his black locks and eye make up, Harper comes across as a gothic poser rather than the ghost of a vengeful Gentleman displayed in the first film. Ahmed Best also joins the cast with little effect and stereotypes are filled out with the laughable performance from the character of “China Doll.”

I haven’t even started on the premise, which immediately jumps the shark by developing a scenario in which our proud and vengeful Southern Cannibal ghosts are forced to pack up and head out on the road. A chosen number of Happy Valley residents hop on a bus and scour the North in order to fulfill their debt of 2001 victims. So we get an opening montage of travel photos of the clan mugging for the camera before we meet our new cast of would-be victims. Celebrity sisters touring the U.S. in a camper are supposed to be heading into the southern state of Georgia (where Happy Valley is supposedly located) but make a wrong turn and end up in Iowa. There they decide to film their “Georgia” episode with the Happy Valley Travelling Jamboree… Oh dear god, why not just pop them in the real Happy Valley to begin with? I guess budget concerns forced the film to progress with little more than pop tents for location shooting? If you think that would be the end of your questions, you’d be horribly mistaken as you simply can’t lose yourself in the film as one moment after another makes you want to throw your hands up at the screen. The cheapness and rushed quality of the product continues to spiral around the toilet as we sink further and further into lazy writing, terrible puns, uncomfortable casting choices and moronic stereotypes. Director Tim Sullivan had a great many hurdles to overcome in bringing his vision to DVD and while the film occasionally delivers, the whole thing felt rushed and unpolished.

3 out of 5, barely.

Cornered!

Back in the late 80’s, you couldn’t throw a tennis ball in a video store without hitting a movie that featured Steven Guttenberg. His boyish charm and playful manners brought tremendous success to the Police Academy series, Short Circuit, and numerous other projects at the time. He popped up sporadically in a number of other projects in the 90’s, but the Guttenberg brand had pretty much gone past it’s expiration date and rendered the talented actor to large obscurity. When I saw his name attached to this low budget Indy horror project, I threw this baby to the top of my rental queue and waited for the Guttengerg Express to bring me to a new location.

Guttenberg’s appearances are mostly bookends to most of the films’ narrative. A serial killer is on the loose, dubbed the “Convenience Store Slasher” by the media. Steve is the delivery driver for several stores within Los Angeles and makes his appearance when he chases off an abusive john for one of the local “ladies” in the neighborhood. By that point, however, we’ve met most of our main cast of characters... several below average folk who work in a run down convenience store and a call girl who works the nearby corner. The store crew often get together for a poker game in the late evening and it seems the aforementioned “slasher” may have overheard them chatting about the terrible things they would do if they had a chance to cash in on the reward.

Largely a typical slasher film, the movie operates within the confines of a single location and comes up with a number of gruesome effects sequences. It was interesting to see Guttenberg in action and he still has a lot of his boyish charm and quirky humor. While having him in the film was actually the big seller for me, the rest of the cast manages to win over the audience with their unabashed sleaziness and underdog representations of society’s underbelly. Then again, I may be reading too much into the film and it’s not nearly as good as I thought it was… who knows? I actually thought it was a pretty fun little project and definitely worth the time I took to watch it. It was Gutten-riffic!

4 out of 5.

Galaxy of Terror

A number of Roger Corman’s classic projects are seeing new DVD distribution releases this year, including this somewhat obscure gem from the 80’s. Corman is the B-Movie king and he makes no apologies for blatantly ripping off several big budget Hollywood blockbusters and throwing them into a hodgepodge formula to eke out profits and often give younger film makers an opportunity to hone their craft. Galaxy of Terror was an early design project with a lot of influence from a much younger James Cameron and it featured a rather fantastic cast of future and past talents within the business. The film found notoriety through the inclusion of a rather graphic and risqué scene featuring the demise of a character beneath the crushing weight of a thrusting giant maggot.

The starship Quest is sent on a rescue mission to a distant planet where the crew discovers an ancient pyramid. After finding some of the remains of the crew they’ve come to rescue, some of the Quests’ crew members begin to face their own horrible deaths. There are a number of fantastically gruesome effects, especially for such a low budget affair. The story holds up against the test of time and the film is still relevant today.

*Special Featurette* The first disc includes a special featurette about the making of the film with a retrospective look back from Corman and members of the cast and crew. Notably absent, though much regarded (both positively and negatively) was James Cameron whose perspective on one of his earliest projects would have made an interesting tidbit in and of itself. Especially interesting was the actual and very real shame and dismissal of the film from the Writer and Director, who both felt the movie was beneath them and were surprised that it had any sort of a following. Other members of the cast and crew have much fonder recollections of the film and stories surrounding it’s production. Robert Englund, who constantly proves he’s a class act whenever I watch these features, puts the film in proper perspective as an open doorway for him to find better projects and learn more about his crazy profession. He actually ends the featurette, however, with a personal story regarding the film… attending an art exhibit and having a rather haughty and distinguished film critic approach him after he’d done a number of films, call him by name, and commend him for his work on Galaxy of Terror.

I normally don’t talk about the featurettes and extra stuff on a DVD but felt that it was warranted in this case. Galaxy of Terror has a warm spot in my own heart because it acted as an early introduction to films of the bizarre and twisted nature for me. I was very young when I first watched this movie at a friends house, but it left such a strong impression on me at the time that I’ve seen the film a number of times since. I’ve actually made friends with people through this movie as well as many others. It’s not the best film in the world, but it’s a fun little trip and I love it a lot.

4 out of 5.

Planet Hulk

Based on a successful Marvel storyline in The Incredible Hulk series, “Planet Hulk” starts off with the big green monster hurdling through space in a rocket ship. A recorded message from Earths’ mightiest Heroes explains their decision and the giant winds up crash landing on a rock populated by several warring races. Imprisoned, enslaved, and forced to fight within the Gladiatorial pits for the amusement of the Red King, The Hulk quickly earns the respect and admiration of the planets’ population.

With kids’ gloves fully removed, The Hulk smashes and rips through several monsters, aliens, and robots before the final act sees him take a stand against the Red King. The brute struggles with his own identity in this film as Bruce Banner never makes so much as a token appearance, and we find out whether Hulk is the savage monster Earth believes him to be or if there’s something more within him than a desire to crush and smash and break everything around him.

3.5 out of 5. (Very good!)

Summer’s Moon

Whether I’m writing about a good movie or a bad one, there’s always a sort of passion that drives me create a dialogue within a proper context. Summer’s Moon hits all the right chords for a film that should shock, appall, and ultimately sicken the casual viewer but lacks any sort of passion in pulling it off. The whole project seems a little bland despite the psychotic sickness that unfurls, and that becomes the films’ ultimate failing. It doesn’t really revel in its sickness and ultimately struggles to NOT be what it is: A grindhouse exploitation film. The script is decent, but the films execution comes off as dull and passionless. It’s a shame because there are some really good elements in this movie, but it just isn’t a lasting worthwhile experience.

2 out of 5.

Predators Reviewed

2010-07-12T19:06:00.001-07:00

Predators.

They’re not nice people. Soldiers, mercenaries, and criminals wake up in free fall above a tropical jungle. Parachutes open (mostly) and they land in a harsh environment, no clue as to why they are there or how they got where they are. They don’t know who brought them, either. They’re fully armed, however. They have their weapons and equipment and it seems that they have one another. Some are well trained, others are natural born survivors, and each person brings a certain specialization to the table. But these aren’t Heroes and their dependence can only go so far in this long awaited sequel to the original Predator series; a sequel that tends to ignore the prior sequels but does reference the events of the first film.

The Piano Player (Adrien Brody) bulks up to lead our rag tag group of survivors as they explore the strange new environment with a sun that simply doesn’t seem to move for several hours, an odd magnetic polarization, and finally a completely unfamiliar skyline with strange moons and planets definitely confirming that they are no longer on Earth. In point of fact, they’re on a planetary game preserve and they are being hunted by the titular characters of the film. They are also being observed and studied, marking a slight difference between the first films’ lone hunter and the Predators of this film. These aliens hunt in a pack, practice different tactics, and use different equipment. They’re a different breed of Predator.

This isn’t a reinvention of the wheel. It’s “The Most Dangerous Game” with aliens; complete with hounds, elaborate traps, and gruesome trophy displays. In many ways this is a love letter to the original film that, unfortunately, packs a few too many references to the original with a number of elements. Still, it never ceases to be less than what it promises to be with plenty of bullets flying, gory death scenes, and adrenalin pumping action sequences. I enjoyed the pacing and had some fun with the predictability of the death sequences. From the get go you can see how each character fits into the plot, how each of them will probably wind up dying, and I looked forward to each scene as it came up. Though a certain trailer moment is an almost utter fabrication, the rest of the movie delivers precisely what you would expect and never tries to be more or less than what it is.

Though I’ve often been accused of being a bit of a little harsh with some action flicks, I have to say that this movie hit all the right notes for me. There are plenty of faults to be found. Never running out of ammunition, obvious stereotypes, brief cup of coffee moment for an established actor, and on and on. But Robert Rodriguez produced this film and it pretty much shared several elements with his prior work… it was a B-Movie with a slightly better budget and no illusions. It was fun, gruesome, and a great roller coaster ride. The characters were pretty much token representations, but that was actually half the fun with typical goofy b-movie dialogue. The action and effects were over the top, and that’s what I want out of a film like this. A good afternoon spent away from the office, away from the responsibilities of life, and a dark theater with plenty of jumps, laughter, and wincing.

4 out of 5.

Dresden Files RPG review

2010-07-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

The Dresden Files RPG

In the novels a professional Wizard Detective solves crimes and encounters a number of threats both mundane and supernatural. Ritualized magic, demons, vampires, werewolves, angels, and so on interact in secret with modern cops, robbers, social elite, and dregs of everyday society. Most people aren’t going to know much about the supernatural, but that doesn’t really stop a lot of people from believing in it or being affected by it in some way. So you can really cater the game to any taste… high fantasy and adventure, gut-wrenching horror, gritty noir, or just fun and giggles. Unfortunately, it’s not a really unique concept and the books might risk a lot of comparison to other pieces currently on the market. There are plenty of other games out there that allow you to explore dark fantasy enmeshed with our own modern world.

What sets this game apart is the core engine system. I’m most familiar with previous usage of the Fate System in “Spirit of the Century”, where character creation was just as much fun as actual game play with regards to player interaction. The players are encouraged to work together much more closely from the very beginning, as other players connect their characters with shared background traits and a fantastic “city building” technique that I’d never seen before. Utilizing Fudge dice to determine action success and failure, characters are built with a much more generic system of descriptive “Traits” and various trademark stunts. Using these traits, rather than hard-line numeric "Trait" assignments can offer bonuses or penalties as they are invoked. Characters can become exhausted through physical, social, and mental challenges offering a little more flexibility in the type of character playable in the system. Game play may be a little less comfortable for those players who are used to crunching numbers, but offers much more narrative possibilities from both the players and the game master.

The Dresden Files RPG is divided by two books from Evil Hat Productions. The first book, “Your World” gives you everything you need to know in order to play the game fast and loose while building everything you might want from the ground up. It focuses entirely on what your imagination might bring to the table, with a very loose interpretation of the world in which Harry Dresden operates. In fact, the Dresden Files becomes more of an example basis for the things which are possible with the system rather than the cornerstone of the game world in general. Fans of the series will find all the good stuff they might want or expect from a game adaptation, while more generic RPers will find the bare bones minimum to create a wholly independent world based on modern magic, fantasy, and horror elements. In the meanwhile, “Our World” is the much more definitive “Dresden Files” core setting, giving you everything you might need in order to play within the same world as Harry and his merry band of heroic misfits. From the nuances of the Faerie Courts to the slums of Chicago’s criminal syndicates, this is the book for the die hard fan who wants to play in Dresden’s world.

The art is amazing and the books are both available in traditional full-size hardcover. Evil Hat continues to impress with their fan friendly approach to independent publishing, and an acquisition of new licensing seems a promise of bigger things to come.

Godzilla: Final Wars & The Last Airbender reviews

2010-07-09T16:50:00.001-07:00

Godzilla: Final Wars

One of my earliest memories: Drawing a picture of Godzilla as he fought one of a half dozen huge monsters as the theme song played out the Saturday afternoon matinee of monster movies on either channel 11 or 9 in our local market. I wasn’t as picky back then as I am right now, but I still have a great fondness for the giant monster movies from Japan. This was probably where my love for the “retribution” storyline comes from, because my favorite Godzilla films were always the ones in which he became the reluctant “hero” of the day. When aliens would invade earth or robots from the future would try to dominate our society, the last and best hope for humanity seemed to lay with their greatest doom. I especially loved the Baby Godzilla films; they always showed a softer side of the great beast. There are generations of Godzilla films, each focusing on different aspects of the big green King of the Monsters.

“Godzilla: Final Wars” is the epitome of everything I loved about Godzilla films when I was growing up. Director Ryuhei Kitamura goes back to that six year old boy inside of me and presents the Godzilla I fell in love with. The only unfortunate part being that it takes nearly half the film to revive the King of all monsters! Some twenty or thirty years after the big guy was buried in the south pole, humanity stops warring with one another and focuses their defensive technology on combating other monsters who occasionally arise due to mans’ pollution, technology, or some other nonsense. Enough back story… FIGHT!!!! Human Mutants make up the majority of Earths’ defense and they spend their time sparring with each other, piloting monster fighting rocket ships, or complaining about guard duty…. FIGHT!!!! But just when you think things are getting too peaceful, the monsters suddenly embark on a mass coordinated attack on all of Earth’s major cities… FIGHT!!!! But we’re saved just before we defeat the monsters by a benevolent race of aliens who have replaced Earths’ leadership with robotic clones… FIGHT!!! The EVIL aliens really just wanted to use humanity for cattle and it’s up to the last remaining pocket of human resistance to revive Godzilla from his torpor… FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!!! Godzilla fights the other monsters… ALL THE OTHER VILLAINOUS MONSTERS!!!! No, not one or two… I mean ALL OF THEM!!!! Mothra beats her wings in to help the big guy for a brief bit, but this is all about Zilla and his ability to smash and blast his way through every single stock suit the Toho company had in storage. Even Baby Zilla (Minilla) gets in on the action, and we are in for one Monster Jamboree Battle Royale of immensive proportions. I don’t even care that immensive isn’t a word, that’s the only thing I can say to describe this movie!

Final Wars isn’t exactly Academy Award material, nor is it precisely going to change the world or bring attention to the social ills and environmental horrors that could have created a beast like Godzilla… it’s a monster smash up of a movie that simply doesn’t have time to waste on lecturizing the fanbase. Look, all you need to know about the movie can be summed up in the character of Earths’ leading human commander of resistance forces: He’s big, he has a bushy mustache, he talks with all the grit and glamour of Nick Fury on steroids, and he carries a katana for the heck of it. With a character full of this much testosterone, you have to wonder if King Leonidas might see this film and decide to put on frilly dresses. The Mustache itself, bushy and supernaturally attached to the face in a manner that seems to defy all logic, seems almost like a repository for the excess manliness this character exudes and may, in fact, act as a protective buffer from the grit and growl emitted in what passes for dialogue so that those who are near the character will not simply vanish in a blast of awesomeness. This guy isn’t even the lead character, but he’s so awesome that he SHOULD have his own movie spinoff where he takes an earth defense force rocket and pays a visit to the alien home world.

4.5 out of 5, losing only half a star for taking the better part of an hour to even free Godzilla but including enough awesomeness to keep me distracted in the meantime.

The Last Airbender

Playing like a Readers Digest abridged interpretation of its original source material; The Last Airbender is a fun summer blockbuster that rises above its controversial casting choices to present a decent adventure film. Aang is the title character, the long missing Avatar of legend whose purpose it is to bring balance to the world and prevent war from tearing it apart. Two youths from the Southern Water Tribe accidentally free Aang from his century-long torpor beneath the ice and set off on a journey to the Northern Water Kingdom so Aang can learn water bending and fulfill the next part of his training to gain all the powers of the Avatar. He is pursued by the Fire Nation who have already exterminated the remnants of Aangs tribe in their bid to rule the world.

Based on the Nickelodeon Cartoon series, the Last Airbender manages to condense a full season of stories into a two-hour feature but seems to lose much of the most beloved aspects in its attempt. Aang is no longer the care-free boy from the cartoon, laughing and playfully pranking his friends. He’s far grimmer in this adaptation, feelings of remorse and anger often overwhelming the audience with a portrayal that flatly ignores the lead characters charismatic appeal in the original series. Perhaps the role was simply beyond the abilities of a boy chosen, primarily, for his martial arts talent rather than his acting but the whole of the film suffers as a result. Instead, the film is largely stolen by the character of the Fire Nation Prince who seems at once far more intense and interesting of a hero than Aang ever manages to do. Other characters suffer from a lack of screen time while far more time is devoted to Aangs’ training with the Water Nation than seemed natural for the general flow of the story.

4 out of 5.

Suicide Girls Must Die & Red Shadow : 2 Reviews.

2010-07-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Red Shadow:

Three childhood friends come of age in an era of war and strife. Trained as ninja, the three teens face samurai and rival ninja as they perform their duties for the good of their clan. With a lot of standard fan service, comedy, and heavy wire stunt work, the film sort of throws a few ideas at you with a very loose narrative. Mostly, however, the film just tends to sit there and bask in its own “coolness” that could have been meant to be more tongue in cheek than it felt. It’s got a cool fusion jazz sort of sound track mixed with techno pop, a lot of cheerful hand signals from the main cast, posing, and the movie just sort of rambles on and on with several plot points that only sort of feel wrapped up by the end of the film.

The very beginning of the film introduces us to the concept of a very special metal used in the design of Ninja weapons and armor, an idea that only briefly warrants a second mention later in the film and then goes on to have even less impact than the majority of the other plot points. Characters are introduced, disappear, and then reappear only to go away again by the end of the film without explanation or warning. We lose track of the heroes and villains, save for the films main character who seems to be a constant even if we’re not entirely certain who he supposedly works for half the time.

3 out of 5.

SUicide Girls Must Die!

Featuring girls from the website in an unscripted and elaborate hoax, SGMD! Features a lot of vanilla fluffy alt. girls posing for a calendar between disappearances. In what amounted to a significant portion of time from my day being devoted to watching this wretched piece of annoying junk, I was able to sit there with my mouth hanging open at the utter stupidity placed on display for what I guess is a demographic I could never fully understand. With all the trappings of your standard “Reality Show” stupidity, the SG’s bicker, cat fight, become panicked, and eventually turn on one another as cast members mysteriously disappear one at a time. We’re somewhat forced to identify with two of the girls as they become the focus of the camera’s attention, one girl having been placed in charge of model coordination and the other a model (Joleigh) selected for the shoot. The latter is an emotional wreck long before the end as the other girls tend to either ignore the fact that several girls have gone missing, or they are far too easily distracted by the shining lights of their pathetic calendar shoot. She’s constantly dismissed and verbally abused by the shoot’s “Photographer” so that she’s virtually drowning in a bottle when she eventually wanders off. She does show a small degree of intelligence, because she leaves with a group of the girls who decide it would be a good idea to take a boat back to civilization. The coordinator is an utterly incompetent fool who seems particularly picked upon by her supposed “friends” as they manipulate, torment, and ultimately feed her to the wolves in this pet project that I can only describe as a small accident on the side of the highway.

Supposedly “directed” by cast member Sawa, the film pretty much kills itself and doesn’t really need me to give it a bad review. This is standard soft-core fluff shots you’ll likely get from any sort of Calendar Shoot video package… from Sports Illustrated straight on up the roster of Calendar projects. Intermixed are scenes featuring the personal dynamics of dummies mugging for the camera in the “confessional”, scary sound effects for the establishing shots, and girls drinking too much. Rent any slasher film for more horror, rent sports illustrated for the fluff, or watch late night infomercials for GGW for the rest that this film attempts to offer.

1 out of 5.

The A-Team and The Phantom: 2 Reviews

2010-06-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

The A-Team

As far as my prime time television programs go, “The A-Team” was almost always a favorite of mine when I was growing up. Mercenary soldiers for hire would go out and right some wrongs on a near-weekly basis, often without shedding any blood or leaving bodies behind. In point of fact, their methods were usually as non-violent as they could be with an emphasis on the show of “possible” force in order to intimidate the black hat of the week into giving up. It was a fun modern day version of the “three musketeers” for the 1980’s, complete with national patriotism and swashbuckling stunts, flippant remarks thrown off the cuff, and the occasional romance. Most people also remember the A-Team as a major star vehicle for cultural icon “Mr. T.”, but the cast of characters included a number of unforgettable roles. But I have to admit, news about a theatrical film rehash didn’t really do much to spark my interest. Even with Liam Neeson headlining, my hopes were abysmally poor and I didn’t think much with regards to heading off to see the film. My intended quarry for the month was going to be Jonah Hex…. Fortunately, enough bad reviews from trusted sources steered me away from that travesty and sent me to “The A-Team” in celebration of Fathers’ Day.

In the opening moments of the film, Hannibal Smith is in the midst of a dangerous mission that eventually introduces, assembles, and draws all four members of the team into a daring escape from Mexican soil while simultaneously setting up their intended target. It’s the first of many missions that would take place over the next eight years before we’re brought up to Iraq and the Teams’ mission that ultimately sees them set up and imprisoned on trumped up charges. They escape, of course… and I’m sure you can pretty much guess the rest from here on out. Revenge, action, romance, and tales of derring do set to a heavy rock soundtrack and great character chemistry between the four men.

The man who truly shines in this film, however, is Patrick Wilson as “Agent Lynch”… as the primary antagonist throughout the film, he uses, abuses, and ultimately attempts to eliminate the Team in a bid for the McGuffin device set up. Wilson is fantastic as a smarmy punk CIA agent who wants to be far more dangerous than he really is; in truth he is more like something of a frat-nerd in awe of the pop culture around him. Like an armchair quarterback, he sets up the pieces and relies on them to do the work. When the action begins to creep far closer to home, he begins to make one mistake after another and they start to snowball out of his control. Wilson has been making the rounds in a number of stand out performances this past decade, from Raoul in “Phantom of the Opera”, to Nite Owl in “The Watchmen”, and his lesser seen yet ultimately fantastic performance in “Hard Candy”. Wilson is a name to watch out for in the coming years.

As good as the film is there is one glaring flaw in what had been an extremely satisfying theater experience. Unlike the original series, the film racks up an impressive body count with several graphic scenes of violence. Maybe it’s a small quibble for me (and sounds excessively odd from a guy who loves the blood and guts of a horror film), but I thought some the violence was a little excessive and didn’t really stay true to the spirit of the original show. One scene in particular felt a little brutal, kind of spoiling the excitement for a moment. It’s not something many people would have noticed with the tone and pacing of this film, but it simply felt “wrong” to me.

4.5 out of 5.

The Phantom

Sy-Fy Network has had hits and misses with regards to their Original updates to the classic series of years gone by. But, for me, The Phantom literally came out of nowhere and hit me in the face on Sunday night. I hadn’t seen a single trailer, hadn’t heard any word of mouth, and pretty much came across the two episode miniseries event by complete accident. As a big fan of all things “pulp”, I feel as though my secret decoder ring is no longer valid and someone purposefully left me out of the loop on this decision so I wound up missing the first ten minutes of plot exposition before I managed to tune in.

The last I saw of The Phantom, Billy Zane was wearing skin-tight purple body underwear, a domino mask, and black eye shadow while spouting out lines like a wooden boy who just wasn’t quite real in a rather bland adaptation of the original series. So the Phantom was a popular hero in the early 20th Century, fighting off evil and battling crime around the world. Wielding twin pistols and dressed in purple, “The ghost Who Walks” takes a vow to protect the innocent and uses a vast personal spy network to track the activities of various “Evil forces” (most notably the Singh Brotherhood). SyFy Network took a note on previous failures to adapt the series and decided to update the character for a new generation, bestowing the famed cowl upon the descendant of all previous Phantoms.

What Syfy offers is a fantastic update to a classic series that not only stays true to the roots, but also brings the technology and attitude up to date. The writers either did their research or they really fell in love with the character at some point, hitting all the right key notes in their delivery of a character who could have come across as a cheap Batman clone (despite the Phantom coming first). There is a strong emphasis on “protection” and doing what should be done, rather than what could be done. It defines heroism as more than just putting on a costume, more than just preaching an ideal, but in the actions of a man and what he chooses to do. Bravo to SyFy on this one.

4 out of 5.

4 Reviews<> Prince of Persia, Blood Creek, The Descent 2, and Tokyo Zombie

2010-06-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time, hasn't it? I'm sure you've missed me... or something along those lines. Anyway, dear Faceless REader... I present you with a walloping 4 reviews. How do you like that?

Prince of Persia

With his awkward smile and traditional good looks, Jake Gyllenhall seems like a natural for the role of swashbuckling hero. After tackling several dramatic roles in off-beat films, the actor’s recent mainstream plunge have elevated his box office appeal and it was only a matter of time before someone found a vehicle to drive his box office stardom to new heights. The video game adaptation of “Prince of Persia” almost seems like a perfect match, giving Jake a chance to shine as the titular character who swashbuckles his way through the sands of a Persian desert and face off against villainous sorceries in an attempt to save the world. Unfortunately, whether due to poor direction or a lack of seriousness on the part of Gyllenhal, the role doesn’t really deliver all that much and Prince Dustan comes off as a vanilla bland with a hint of Monty Pythonesque silliness as he struggles through a faux English accent.

But this is really the only complaint about a film that, in every other way, delivers the goods. The action is quick and intense, with a lot of “parcour”-inspired chase scenes across the roof tops, through the castles, and built into various fight scenes. The special effects, mostly computer generated, were spot on and tried to avoid looking “silly” for the most part. Costumes were excellent! For fans of the “Arabian Nights” style mythology, the film draws strong inspiration from that genre with a melting pot of various cultures trading goods and services in a barren desert fraught with bandits, monsters, magics, and dangers. Finally, the supporting roles are a hodgepodge of classic “myth” characters with a pair of noble thieves, the skillful Princess, weapon-focused assassins, and an evil mastermind whose betrayal cuts to the heart of our hero.

A good popcorn muncher, but not quite the epic I think Disney might have been hoping for.

3.5 out of 5.

Blood Creek

I finally get this one from Netflix after waiting roughly 2 months. This movie has had a lot of buzz, with significant respect from various websites and a level of cult approval that simply demands the film should be seen by genre fans. I’ve been eagerly awaiting the films’ arrival, though a part of me has also been dreading the possibility that it would be another empty promise unfulfilled.

The film opens in 1936, when the German Government sends a researcher to stay with a family of German immigrants on a secluded farm in America. He’s there to examine some old runes the family found carved on several rocks throughout the property, rocks the family used to help build the foundation for their barn. In short order, we find out there’s much more to this researcher than meets the eye and he reveals his ability to return life to the dead. And with that discovery, we are flung forward into the present and are introduced to a paramedic whose life has somehow been flung out of control. His “War Hero” brother has been missing for two years after a fishing trip to a nearby lake. This young man has shouldered the burden of blame, from himself, his sickly father, and his brothers’ family. He tries to make up for the loss, taking care of his father, his brothers’ wife and children, all while living in a ramshackle camper just outside his family home. He wakes up to a hand on his mouth to find his brother standing above his bed; “Get your gear, some guns and ammunition, and grab the boat…don’t wake up dad. We have work to do.”

That’s how the movie starts… and what has happened over the course of two years is delivered in the course of the next day’s events as both brothers return to the farm house from the start of the film. The family hasn’t aged much and things have been very bad for a very long time. I don’t want to give away much more, because it might enter spoiler territory and you don’t want to know what’s going to happen when things start going down… the pacing of this bad boy keeps you on the edge of your seat with spectacular gore effects upping the ante. The films villain, the monster, is poorly described as a vampire in several reviews… this poor definition ill prepares you for the thing that haunts this farm. This is a traditional Necromancer, a sorcerer whose talents lay with raising and controlling the dead. But event that definition would ill prepare you for the thing and the horrors he unleashes throughout the course of the night.

5 out of 5.

The Descent: Part Two

The Descent part Two picks up shortly after the end of the original film, with Sarah managing to make her way to the surface as a rescue operation is already in affect to rescue her friends. We find out that Juno is the daughter of a State Senator and the county Sheriff is a little overeager. Unable to remember the past several days, Sarah is forced to accompany the small rescue operation back into the caves where they once again come face to face with the snaggle-toothed beasties from the first film. Less focused on the characters this time around, The Descent Part Two still manages to pack a bit of a punch and there’s no shortage of the sticky red stuff as survivors fight back against their ripping, tearing, rending attackers.

There isn’t a lot to be said about the film. It’s good, it follows up on a decent story, and it delivers on the gory guts. This is pretty much a follow-up film that doesn’t do much on it’s own and does absolutely nothing for the first films’ storyline. Everything that needed to be said or done was done so by the climax of the first film. It also doesn’t really stand on it’s own as we’re forced to care, yet again, about the same two characters we had grown to enjoy in the first film. The other characters are fairly two dimensional caricatures of what they represent. All of this with an ending that comes from right out of the blue, and you have what you have… a decent popcorn muncher flick, although fairly well done.

4 out of 5.

Tokyo Zombie:

Hello? My name is Mark. I’ve been watching Zombie movies since the age of around 9 or 10, each film experience building on the next and the next with a constant craving for more. I never seem to fill the void; I never seem to find satisfaction. And so it was with an unholy thirst that I clicked on this selection from Streaming Netflix and sat back to watch what would wind up being one of the oddest bits of zombie cinema. I offer humble thanks to the gawds of zombiedom that this piece of awesomeness actually exists and that someone was goof-nut insane enough to write this script.

Two factory workers, both idiots, living in the shadow of a large volcano accidentally kill their direct supervisor after he catches them practicing jiujitsu on company time. They bury him on the Volcano, where everyone goes to drop their trash and bury various bodies. The dead rise, they infest all of Tokyo, and then the two factory workers use their jiujitsu skills to try and survive. After meeting and rescuing a young woman in distress, their partnership comes to an end when the elder statesman of the two becomes bitten and decides to leave before he turns. Five years later and Fujio is now married to the woman, with a young daughter, and he survives as a professional Zombie fighter in the middle of Tokyo where the rich entertain themselves by making the poor fight zombies in a pit. Look, this movie I insane and I can’t really do it justice… now it’s not a perfect movie, either. But it’s awkward and often flat out stupid, but that’s really the point of the film… it’s just utterly insane.

4 out of 5.

Iron Man 2 review.

2010-05-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's not often that I sit here and find myself at a loss for words to describe a movie experience. Iron Man 2 kicks off on the right beat, delivering the exposed Tony Stark to a world that simply waits to devour all he has to offer. He's forced to contend not only with a restylized Crimson Dynamo played by Mickey Rourke, but he's also forced into far more dynamic struggles with the encroachment of a demanding U.S. Government and predatory Corporate competition in the form of "Hammer" industries. The pressure of these struggles take second stage, however, as Stark struggles with the very technology that once saved his life and is now slowly killing him. There's simply so much happening in this movie that several aspects seem lost in the shuffle, and yet there's a brilliant delivery from Favreau's direction and pacing while Downey's portrayal of Stark is never anything less than brilliant. So I'm at a loss for where to begin, where to end, and what to talk about in between all of that junk.

I think the whole thing can be summed up with the performance from Robert Downey, who so totally owns the screen at any given time. Stark is a likeable hero with a dark side... an egomaniac and a genius, he has no trouble at all with burying his insecurities beneath a thick layer of snark and then drowning that layer beneath severe alcohol abuse. Yes, Tony Stark is an alcoholic... he downs casual drinks throughout the course of the film, he becomes dangerously intoxicated at one point, and continues to seek solace at the bottom of the bottle as he comes closer to death. His acoholism is hereditary as we see his father also drown his own worries in the bottle, guzzling drinks in the outtakes from a commercial performance introducing his newest inventions. Uncomfortable with people and social interaction, Stark doesn't just put on a suit to fight crime and police the world... he hides behind the Iron Man persona and he hopes no one sees how fragile his whole world really is. But it's when he becomes lost in technology, displaying his odd understanding and obsession for the science that created his persona, that he no longer needs to dive in a bottle or hide behind the persona of a "super hero".

The only failing in this film seems to be with it's primary combat villain, with Mickey Rourkes' performance of the Crimson Dynamo as little more than a scientifically minded thug. His character is never truly explored in any further depth than to present him as an aggressive foil to the far superior performance from Sam Rockwell. Rockwell portrays "Hammer", Starks corporate rival in the arms technology business. He's a cowardly, manipulative, conniving little trend follower lost in the shadow of Starks' superior knowledge and ability. He's basically the money behind better ideas, hoping that he can take credit for someone elses' work. The two villains play off eachother well for some laughs, but Rourke comes off as cold and flawless and ultimately unreachable. The audience can actually somewhat identify with Rockwell, and his villain is the far superior despite a lack of rockets and murderous intent.

Most surprisingly, at least to me, is this film's political tone. It seems to purposefully go against the grain with a positive image of capitalism, going so far as to make some negative comments regarding the "Liberal Agenda" and promoting a very Libertarian world view from it's lead character. So while this film has action, drama, and an intense build to a brilliant transformation with it's lead character, it also carries some unique views in a market often dominated by the left leaning belief structure of the Hollywood elite.

5 out of 5.

A Nightmare On Elm Street review + Wandering Ginsa Butterfly II

2010-05-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

Nightmare on Elm Street (re-imagining)

Jackie Earle Haley reinvents the role of “Freddy Krueger” with his performance in the new “re-imagining” of “A Nightmare on Elm Street” released by Platinum Dunes this past weekend. His performance is angry and loathsome, a creepy little phantom stalking his victims in a place where and when they are most vulnerable. We see him as the monster, but we also see him as a man before his death. We see him beg and plead for his life as he is killed by the neighborhood parents, we see him interact with the children who would become his victims, and all of these ideas tend to work as an exploration of who Freddy Krueger is and why. Haley plays with the part, diddling his razor fingers with the threat of a rattlesnake waiting to strike… he taunts the teen cast, blaming them for his painful demise. He stalks them, playfully reminding them of a past they can barely comprehend or even remember. Simply put, JEH is fantastic as Freddy.

But, as good as Haley is, he can’t carry the entirety of the film on his own shoulders. For all his work, the rest of the cast are caught within a melodramatic loop of crying, screaming, neurotic scenes designed to seem “dark” but come off as comedic. The amped up performances never level off. From beginning to end, the cast come off as cardboard cut outs of virtually every teen victim we tend to see in traditional slasher films. Within the first three minutes of the film, we’re introduced to the whole cast… shy, quiet, responsible, and artistic Nancy combining several aspects of the traditional series’ three leading “Survivor Girls” , beautiful and popular Kris replaces Tina and virtually every other “best friend” victim girl in the prior series, angry Jesse is the ex-boyfriend who slams money on the counter and teases his best friend about his infatuation with the leading lady, Quentin is the aforementioned “best friend” who is also the Principals’ “rebellious” son and hyperactive teenage boy who wears an emo-band tee-shirt throughout the whole film (you’d think he’d change it after a shower or something, but nah), and then there’s Dean… muscular, tall, handsome, and as cardboard cut-out as it gets. Moms and Dads pop up, teachers drone on through several lectures, and other victims are variously tracked down to one of the most ludicrous scenes of the movie. (Who clicked on the “Upload” button???)

The story comes off as a barely cobbled together mess that takes its audience for granted and gives them what a studio would think the fans want. They offer gory death scenes, odd dream sequence visual effects, amped up teens in a panic, and plenty of “jump scares” timed with the consistency of Big Ben. They don’t waste time explaining or wondering precisely how this scumbag could come back in dreams or why he wears a razor glove, but they make certain to spell out effects of certain drugs and what the risks are for staying awake too long. And while I’m certain they thought it made the film “darker”, the long term affect of having your cast amped up with the screams, fear, and weeping is that you start to laugh at them and their emotional stupidity. I was so busy laughing that the emotional revelations that COULD have turned the film into a masterpiece were wasted on an audience that simply wouldn’t be able to feel any sort of impact due to the emotional numbing of the rest of the film.

Closing out, Nightmare was a fun little popcorn venture that never lives up to the original films’ emotional scarring. It’s a series of missteps with some good sequences and one performance that stands head, waist, and shoulders above the rest. Platinum Dunes and Michael Bay will probably continue to rake through the dust of the late 80’s and early 90’s in order to provide additional remakes, “reimaginings”, and retreads of films that have been far more effective with their original incarnation. It’s a proven money-making formula for them and I don’t begrudge anyone’s desire to make a buck, so there are tons of festival films and direct to dvd alternatives introducing young film makers to an audience that’s greedy for a new blend in horror. I don’t feel ripped off, but I do feel badly for Haley and the rest of the young cast who will probably be forced to shoulder the responsibility for Nightmare’s lack of a cult following in the coming years.

3 out of 5.

Wondering Ginsa Butterfly 2.

I managed to catch the second Wandering Ginsa Butterfly film, but feel a little cheated since I hadn’t seen the first. Meiko Kaji stars as the Butterfly, Nami… a wandering gambler and swordswoman of some merit. She dresses to the hilt in traditional robes and a kimono, but the film is set in the modern era (early ‘70’s) and features an early role for Martial Arts hero Sonny Chiba. The two actors ally to take on a corrupt business man and his Yakuza Goons in a tale of bloody vengeance and furious action. It’s always a pleasure to watch Ms. Kaji, her eyes are so expressive and she always does something special with her characters. Her and Chiba have great chemistry and humor together, and I’m looking forward to more of the WGB film series, but this isn’t really the best introduction to Meiko Kaji and for that I recommend her Female Scorpion series or Lady Snowblood.

3.5 out of 5.

A slow month, but one GREAT movie with two "eh" reviews.

2010-04-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

It’s been a fairly slow month with regards to my usual gluttony of films. I’ve lacked significant time to just lay back and watch some good movies, and Netflix seems to have misplaced my top ten choices for the past month and a half so I’m mostly getting movies that I only sort of want to watch. I just don’t have the energy, at the end of the day, to stay up late and watch a couple of flicks in a row.. I’ve been falling asleep to Caillou, Kipper the Dog, and various other “Sprout” shows for the past three weeks with my son and that leaves out a lot of zombie smashing goodness that I might normally lounge back to watch. I have to wait for my four year old to fall asleep before I even think about throwing on a fright flick, and the Samurai films can get fairly risqué as well. Ah well… so goes the life of a family man, I suppose.

But I am the Mad Mark and I do watch a lot of crap, so here go my reviews for the week. From Victorian horror to grindhouse chambara, the Mad Mark runs the gauntlet and flips a few hours from the clock.

I Sell The Dead:

This beautifully macabre film recounts the adventures of two grave robbers sentenced to the Guillotine in some unspecified time before modern technology. Apprenticed at a young age, Dominic Monahan headlines the film as he learns the tricks of the trade and sparks a lifelong friendship with his partner, whom we see beheaded in the opening moments of the film. Convicted of grave-robbing and murder, the young man recounts his life story to a curious monk played by Ron Perlman; a life story that includes grave robbing, thieving the body of a relative, blackmail from an insidious doctor, and an eventual series of confrontations with the blatantly supernatural. The stories are delivered with a morbid humor and self deprecation, endearing us to the decidedly un-wholesome duo around which the film revolves. Both men lack courage, decency, tact, and reasonable sense. But they have a fondness for one another that is very brotherly, occasionally even paternal as the older man continues to look after his young charge.

We have vampires, zombies, ghouls, violent criminals, some “otherworldly” threats and experiences wrapped in the context of what is wholly a satisfying romp. Monahan is fantastic in his flippant manner and total disregard for social niceties. Though Perlman only plays a small role, his characters’ transformation allows the story to propel itself toward a climactic conclusion that wraps many loose ends and builds to a satisfying twist that may seem a little too obvious at times. And that’s really where the only problem with this film lies… there are a few welcome surprises, but the film becomes largely predictable and you see several twists coming before the characters start to turn the corner. At times, this becomes amusing as you can see the set up for a good number of punch lines but the characters come off as woefully inept and dense. This actually feeds into the humor at several points, but a less accepting audience might find the film a little too cliché for their own tastes. I loved it, though.

4 out of 5.

Quick Draw Okatsu

Slashing a bloody path of vengeance, Quick Draw Okatsu is typical chambara fanfare with corrupt officials forced to come eye to eye with the deadly blade of a former victim. Okatsu is the adopted daughter of a Samurai sword instructor, her father’s greatest pupil and the towns’ local beauty. When her brother shirks his duty and decides to run off with his commoner girlfriend, Okatsu attempts to atone for his numerous mistakes when he’s tricked into losing money at the local gambling house. Her brother is killed, his pregnant girlfriend sold to a brothel, her father betrayed and murdered by a former student, and all of these events orchestrated by a corrupt official who also brutally takes her virtue… someone done messed up, and Okatsu is going to deliver the whoopings to the left and too the right with a few dozen slashes from her deadly blade.

3.5 out of 5.

4 Reviews at the redcap's Blog!

2010-04-12T21:24:00.001-07:00

How to Train Your Dragon

After finally managing to wrangle my son into the van, my wife and I managed to catch a Sunday afternoon screening of the latest 3-D Animated film for kids. Because the Pup doesn’t like to wear the glasses and my wife gets dizzy, we only managed to catch the film in regular 2-D and I sat back with a little package of nachos in order to avoid the stomach tearing effects of the popcorn my son regularly purchases for these little flicks. This is your fairly standard little “coming of age” story set to a Viking background and featuring a beautiful display of animated dragons. It was a satisfying afternoon film, something I’d probably wind up buying for both my wife and son to catch on a lazy evening at home but I’m not sure where else I could take the review.

Honestly, it’s not a bad film and I had a lot of fun watching it. But it was pretty much a “paint by numbers” story that didn’t try too hard to be much more than what it was, though the animation was absolutely top of the line and the action sequences were extremely well conceived. There were a number of moralizing points the story tried to make, and it pretty much succeeded on all counts without being too preachy or offensively condescending. There are worse ways to spend an afternoon.

4 out of 5.

The Graves:

Two sisters on a “last hurrah” road trip make a wrong turn and wind up in your typical Midwest bible-thumping “crazy” town with lunatic locals and homicidal maniacs. In what started off with some promising moments from one of the “eight movies to die for”, The Graves delivers some early gore and a terrific performance from Bill Moseley in order to fall through on the last two acts in a disappointing reach extra padded time. Our protagonist sisters are chased, tortured, and run to ground by a number of somewhat colorful characters in an attempt to appease the demonic ghosts that reside within the abandoned mine that once fueled the lifeblood of the small town. In developing a mystery and a number of characters, the film ultimately fails to give us any real answers to the number of questions that pop up. Moseley delivers a line that may have been seen as profound when it was written, but within the context of the film it ultimately gives you the gist of what ultimately fails…. He explains that there is no reason, but the entire film works to show us that there is but never stops to tell us what that reason is.

It could have something to do with the hanged miners accused of demonic possession, the insanity of the mines’ founder, the skull buried atop the gold that kicked off the rush that built the town, the flies that buzz around, the insane spirits, demonic forces, or too much chlorine in the water for all we need to know. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly, but I guess she’ll die. What we do know is that whatever “force” inspires the town to commit their bloody deeds sucks out eyeballs and makes a horrific screaming sound when it feeds. You would think at least one nut job would cave and give us a long monologue in answer to the sisters’ continuous questions, if not just to shut them up… but alas! Bubkus!

3 out of 5.

Shadow Hunters

“Moonlight”, “Daylight”, and Jubei are three ronin Samurai who sell their swords for the sole purpose of foiling Ninja schemes and protecting the Clans from the confiscatory practices of a corrupt Shogunate. When a distant mountain family is threatened by the “Shadows” (ninja operatives for the Shogunate), the three swordsmen ride in and deliver sword slinging justice in bloody geysers of furious vengeance! They are tasked with accompanying a Clan Samurai as he presents a document bearing the Shoguns’ seal that guarantees possession of the fiefdom to the mountain family. The tale of each Ronin unfolds throughout their journey, so we understand precisely why they hunt the shadows and why they’ve accepted their station in the order of things as lowly “wavemen.”

Another furious chambara release from the folks over at AnimEigo, Shadow Hunters is a fairly standard sword epic with colorful characters and fantastic martial arts. Look, I just really love these movies… they might not be for everyone. There are a ton of other films who take the same cues and similar action sequences, from the Lone wolf & Cub series to Zatoichi. Shadow Hunters ranks up there with some of the best, and I look forward to watching additional films in the series. The DVD is packaged pretty nicely with some additional liner notes in the subtitles, including explanations on some of the terminology and historical annotations for events at the time. We also get a few trailers for additional AnimeIgo “samurai cinema” releases.

4 out of 5.

Shadow Hunters II: Echoes of Destiny

The second installment of the Shadow Hunters series delivers much the same action as the first film. Swords slash, blood sprays, and the ninja flip and fly around the screen as the Samurai cut them down and send their souls to jigoku. We continue shortly after the last film left off, with the Shadows demanding seppuku for the failure of their first lord to succeed in his duty and destroy the Hunters. A new Shadow is placed in charge, and he tasks the female Ninja with tracking down the Hunters and we’re treated to a number of scenes with the Shadow Hunters fending off attacking ninja. They are then summoned to a beleaguered province threatened by the political machinations of the shogunate and their Shadow spies. In this convoluted plot, the Wavemen are basically tasked with protecting the delivery of a canon to fief of a Clan honored with the task of protecting it.

I’ll take this moment to give you a spoiler warning as I discuss a fundamental truth about the nature of Samurai Chambara films. There is rarely ever a happy ending… in point of fact, the “heroes” usually succeed in their task; kill all the bad guys, deliver the goods, and kiss all the girls. But things are often worse off than when they started and the price they paid in order to achieve their aims becomes a terrible burden that they are forced to carry the rest of their lives. When they talk about their miserable lot in life and their haunted steps, you understand precisely what they mean by the end of the film as innocents suffer, people die, and honor is lost to various betrayals and political machinations. There is a cursed misery that continues to haunt the characters for the rest of their days and there is almost always a form of seppuku performed in the course of the film, a reminder that even this honorable release is denied to men such as our main characters. Considering how prone I am to depression, I’m not entirely certain why I love these movies so much… but I do.

4 out of 5.

Frightmare

I swear I caught this film at some point in the 80’s, but completely forgot anything at all related to the story or any scene involved. This is an almost entirely uninspired rehash of several plot points found in “Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things” when an aging actor passes away and his body is stolen from his gimmicked death trap of a mausoleum. There is very little to set this film apart from the hundreds of mind-numbing low budget horror releases at the time, and yet Frightmare must have had something going for it because I had not once considered throwing my remote control through the screen. In point of fact, my wife actually found she was somewhat engaged by the films primary antagonist and kept tuning in from her WoW game to take a gander.

3 out of 5, worth watching.

4 Reviews: Clash of the Titans, 1408, Zombies of Mass Destruction AND... Atropia???

2010-04-05T18:18:00.001-07:00

Clash of the Titans (remake)

Sam Worthington headlines Clash of the Titans, a remake of the original 80’s fantasy feature that many people consider a classic in the genre. It’s a theatrical adaptation of Greek Mythology and the story of Perseus, a son of Zeus. Using several gifts from the gods, the young man sets out to slay the Gorgon Medusa and win the hand of Andromeda. The original took several liberties with the story, but yet managed to keep hold to several key factors in the myth. For those of you curious, I suggest you use this wonderful on-line medium to Wikepedia the mythology or do some research of your own… it would probably be far more research than the writers of the “remake” script ever attempted. The story is only marginally similar to the Mythology and then only somewhat less disjointed from the original film. Worthington is quickly proving himself as a magnetic leading man for action films, but much of the film tends to rely more on the Captain of the Guard in order to supply us with an identifiable character while the story continues to introduce a variety of characters who lend their support to Perseus.

The film moves at an exciting pace and tells a good story about a young man coming to grips with his dual nature and the legacy of his bloodline. He has no wish to be a hero or a son of Zeus, preferring the solace of a simple life as a fisherman. Unfortunately, the gods are upset with the world of man because they are no longer worshipped and adored, while the world of men have grown resentful of the power and prestige of the Gods. Events spiral out of his control, and Perseus is forced to take up a mantle in order to defend the city of Joppa from the ravages of the Kraken. Alternatively, the Princess Andromeda may also sacrifice herself to the beast in order to spare her city and her people. These events are being masterminded by Hades, whose desires are fueled by revenge against his brother Zeus for trapping him within the damned earth and presiding over the dead souls that enter Tartarus. Look, I’m trying to keep with the topic at hand and discuss the story but it leaps and flips from one point to another at various stages with the introduction of several characters and the rise of one threat after another. Kalibos emerges as a pawn for Hades, given a glutton of powers to stand in the way of Perseus, and yappity yapyapyap… I think you get the point.

In many places, the film manages to entertain and excite with a number of battle scenes and several monsters that crash and bang across the screen. Perseus’ battle with the giant Scorpions is the stuff of fantastic movie making, with a number of terrific stunts and creeping tensions as the creatures rise from the sands of a strange desert. His confrontation of the three fate witches leaves no room for complaint. His battle with the Kraken itself is absolutely fantastic, with an additional obstacle of three harpies who attempt to steal the Medusa’s head from our hero before he can complete his task. The threat of the gods is ever present in the form of an obsessive street preacher whose devotion to Hades is only matched by his addiction to crack as he screams and blubbers his way from one scene to the next. Unlike the original film, we are also given time to build a relationship with those who travel alongside Perseus so that their various sacrifices hold deeper meaning when they take place. The film is, ultimately, a very good adventure film with some good acting and a decent amount of direction.

Where the film goes wrong, however… it REALLY goes wrong. In what I can only assume was another “robot Spider” moment in production meetings, Perseus is joined in his quest by one of the Djinn… ancient sorcerers bound and imprisoned by Solomon in the Old Testament with a fair amount of mythology surrounding their existence to begin with. Nowhere in the Myth of Perseus, but someone really REALLY wanted to film some Djinn and I suppose this is the movie where they managed to get their keen idea thrown in. Another epic failure was in execution of the quest through Medusa’s lair. It was great action, but ultimately failed to build any real suspense or drama with regards to the gaze. Additionally, the decision to film Medusa as 100% CGI didn’t really work because she just wasn’t believable in her facial reactions. Actually, she seemed very plain-jane and unthreatening in anyway. The decision to portray Andromeda as somewhat disconnected from the rest of the story didn’t really help the production all that much, either.

If you want a good action film with plenty of monsters, than Clash of the Titans is going to fit that niche pretty well. If you wanted a modern interpretation of Greek Mythology, you’re much better served watching the Percy Jackson movie.

3.5 (maybe leaning toward 4) out of 5.

1408

I haven’t really been a fan of Stephen King for a number of years. Sometime around the early 90’s, his writing became somewhat stale for me and his stories didn’t really take me anyplace I hadn’t already been before. He also had a way with writing various characters as stereotypes instead of truly fleshed out characters with real thoughts and desires, they became more like caricatures of previous characters he’d already dealt with and continued to deal with as each main character was either a writer or some variation on the same theme. Kings’ work simply stopped impressing me when I was old enough to stop believing in stereotypes. I did, however, read the story from which this movie is based and I was… bored. Honestly, it didn’t shock or amaze or horrify me. It was bland and typical of the kind of stuff King had been writing for years. So I didn’t feel any real need to watch the movie when it was released some short years back.

My wife, however, decided to rent it and so I pretty much just lounged back and watched it with her. The fairly standard “haunted room” story had some pretty good things going for it, including a fantastic performance from lead actor, John Cusack. The room almost immediately begins to move in on Cusack, who plays the stereotypical “Stephen King Writer” looking for a story as he seeks to debunk haunted room myths in various hotels. He’s got alcohol problems, he’s just recently quit smoking but constantly carries a last cigarette in case the world ends, and he’s avoiding any sort of resolution with the death of his only child. There’s also some vague “father-son” relationship issues, as well… so John Cusack is playing yet another small version of Kings alter-ego as he comes face to face with the horror of this one haunted room.

All in all, the film was pretty much a standard little ghost story with some good special effects and nothing much more important than that. It was a popcorn-muncher that kept my wife interested and didn’t bore me to tears, so for that it gets an unremarkable …

3 out of 5.

Zombies of Mass Destruction

Let’s bring on the grue with this selection from the much-declined in popularity “After Dark Horror Fest” featuring one of the better movies on the selection list in recent years. ZMD is part parody, and probably much more parody than it originally intended to become as a small conservative community is besieged by a plague of zombies. There are several references to the war with Iraq, neo-conservatism, prejudice, and the list goes on and on and on. This whole movie would almost seem like a slap in the face insult to conservative idealism if they hadn’t set up all the characters as flat out parodies of the things they were supposed to represent. There’s a minister struggling with a change of the times, his faith, and his “fire and brimstone” sermons regarding the nature of sin and role of his flock at the end of times. There’s a conservative mayor whose policies have become meaningless and lack the growth of an ever-changing world. The prototypical redneck “walmart” family of over enthusiastic bigots makes their own colorful narrative to the disaster at large, and we also have the struggling immigrant who has worked his fingers to the bone and yet finds his culture mocked and dismissed by his fellow neighbors. We’re given these outlandishly boorish stereotypes to boo while simultaneously offered a series of likely heroes to cheer; The immigrants’ daughter struggling with her cultural identity, the liberal teacher wants to drag her community to the present and open their minds and hearts to a world that is changing around them, and the homosexual couple who are only recently coming out of the closet. The whole formula could have worked as a largely insulting film with a far Left agenda but is, actually, so self parodying that it works to the opposite affect in many cases. When one member of the Ministers’ flock reveals a heavy collection of guns with typical far-right machismo regarding the Second Amendment, you can’t really find fault when the church is surrounded by flesh-eating zombies. You’re more likely to groan when the teacher talks about her hatred of guns, or laugh out loud at the utterly preposterous notions of what people on the Left actually think of conservatives. It’s so unbelievably stereotypical that you wind up shaking your head in shock.

One area where they get the film dead right, however, is in the two homosexual protagonists and their struggle with coming out of the closet and finding acceptance in a community that they honestly fear. These two characters have some of the best written dialogue throughout the feature and they are also the least stereotypical personalities in the film. They pretty much carry the bulk of the film, fighting off the zombie hordes with heroic flair before eventually finding shelter within the Reverends’ church. The film utterly fails, however, to really bring the same sort of connection its’ female lead who is captured by a neighboring family and tortured for information regarding “her terrorist attack” on their community. It sort of comes across as an overly awkward parody given the situation with the rest of the film.

4 out of 5 and one of the best entries yet in the annual 8 Movies to Die For selection.

Atropia

I am a multi-layered geek with interests in a number of things, from comics to games to movies and pulp novel book flings. So when Netflix recommended this title from Norway, featuring an awkward title and a subcategory in “romantic comedy” I nearly clicked this thing out of existence in order to pump some more filth out of the horror category when some keywords in the plot caught my eye… Role-playing Games? I clicked the “add” button and then threw it up to the top ten films behind several movies that have been on “long wait” for the past month or so… not expecting to get it so soon, but being pleasantly surprised when I popped it in the DVD player for a tumble.

Atropia is a haven for nerds in a small Norwegian town, and it’s the only place willing to hire a young socialite after her world come tumbling down. Her car salesman boyfriend is jailed after cooking his books for some unknown amount of time, she’s forced to move in with her sister and nephew, and the constant pressure from news organizations makes it hard for the young woman to find work or even a reprieve from the stress of her boyfriends’ situation. So she takes her nephew to the local comic book store where she manages to find employment and even a sort of purpose when she’s placed in charge of their role-playing games and helps to manage their books. Not at all comfortable in her new setting, the girl manages to learn what RPG’s are, in addition to finding friendship and companionship with the “nerds” of the store who also manage to find a true friend in our main character.

So there’s no blood, no death, no massive amounts of gore, cussing, or over the top action in any way but “Atropia” still manages to take the prize for best movie of the week by simply being an engaging story with likeable characters. It was easy to identify with the stores colorful characters because I tend to spend my time with the same types; nerdy geeks who love their games, their comics, their movies, and their friendships and just glorify their nerd-itude with pride.

5 out of 5.

The Crap Shack vlog show, Episode 2!!!

2010-04-05T18:12:00.001-07:00

This is an embedded video for my Vlog, viewable by looking at either my youtube page or at my blog sight.

redcapjack.blogspot.com

3 Reviews, including How to Train Your Dragon

2010-03-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

VLOG Session #1

2010-03-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

Smash Cut and The Caretaker (Sasha Grey Vs. Jennifer Tilly)

2010-03-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Smash Cut

David Hess is absolutely brilliant and hilarious in this loving homage to the films of Herschell Gordon Lewis. Down on his luck after the recent critical and commercial failure of his latest horror film, Terror Toy, a depressed director (Able Whitman played by Hess) seeks solace and inspiration from a local strip club and drunkenly wrecks his car. He suddenly finds inspiration in the broken and bloodied corpse of his female companion, using her body to shoot in a scheduled scene before realizing he needs more blood and more parts in order to complete his masterpiece! The director moves from victim to victim, creating a trail of dead bodies and the greatest masterpiece of his career. With a plot inspired by “Color Me Blood Red”, the story continues to find one homage after another to additional films from The Godfather of Gore with the introduction of Private Detective Beaumont (obviously based heavily on Abraham Gentry, from The Gore Gore Girls), music from “Blood Feast”, “Color Me… “, and a number of gags and scenes lifted from one exploitation film after another.

Hess owns this movie entirely, chewing up dialogue with perfect comic timing and playing a much lighter part than I’ve often seen him in. Often pretentious and presumptive, his character is an artiste and justifies all his wretchedness as a devotion to his art. At the same time, there’s certain gleeful sadism in his character and he absolutely relishes in the violent acts he commits. I’m going to say that this is the best I’ve seen David Hess since “Last House on the Left”, it’s a role that I’m in awe of and one that he seemed to have a great time performing.

There’s also a stand out performance from Sasha Grey as the investigating reporter and sister to the directors’ first victim. She’s a straight woman foil to the outlandish antics of both Hess and Detective Isaac Beaumont, and she stands up to both male leads and threatens to steal away the film at times. In fact, I honestly think that Grey was much more endearing a character than the largely over-played Beaumont as portrayed by Jesse Buck. Lacking the dismissive and somewhat abusive nature of the original character, the Detective came off as less charismatic than his predecessor and often played second fiddle to the other leads.

But, as long as we’re talking about great performances, I can’t forget to mention Michael Berryman as Hess’ erstwhile producer. He doesn’t get nearly enough screen time in this exploitation gem. This is a man who purchases his own golden figure award in order to feel like he’s really truly participating in the Hollywood dream of big productions but doesn’t have a clue about the films in his own vault. Berryman wears a bad wig, penciled in eyebrows, and constantly worries about the image of his company and where the money will come from to pay for his next major production.

“Smash Cut” is brutally violent and hilarious, featuring a bizarre blend of good and terrible special effects, with over the top and utterly entertaining performances. If you enjoy the films of Herschel Gordon Lewis, if you enjoy the work of David Hess, or if you’re just curious to see Sasha Grey in a mainstream film than I highly recommend and support any rental or purchase of the film! This is the movie many horror fans are going to want to have sitting on their shelves for an entertaining evening with friends.

5 out of 5.

The Caretaker

Jennifer Tilly might be a little bit typecast as the annoying ditz a few years past her prime, but she’s also very GOOD at playing the part and comes off as the most entertaining portion of this largely generic slasher film. Three teen boys decide to ditch their school’s Halloween Dance and drag their dates to the old melon orchard and scare them with a story about obsession and murder, little realizing that the Caretaker has returned. After some fairly standard scares and the realization that a killer is stalking them, the teens panic, their wholly inappropriate teacher (Tilly) arrives, and events begin to spiral out of control as the teens are picked off and eliminated one by one. Despite the lack of any real horror or effects gags, the campy script calls for a lot of uncomfortable laughs with some good one-liners and a number of goofy moments. In addition to Tilly, we also have a small appearance from Judd Nelson as the protective father of one of the teenage girls. There are a lot of movies far better than this one, but it’s worth a quick rental when you’ve pretty much exhausted your list or come across it on a boring afternoon or late night bout with insomnia.

3 out of 5.

Universal Soldier / Dante's Inferno anime reviews

2010-03-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

Dante’s Inferno:

This is not an adaptation of the classic poem. I’ve read a number or reviews from people who thought that this was what they were going to get, and they were all sorely disappointed. If you’re expecting me to review this movie based on my own experiences with the poem or based on my historical knowledge of the time, of Dante Alighieri, or any of that kind of stuff than you’re also going to be sorely disappointed. I am well-read enough to have gone through the poem in my teenage years, but it isn’t one of my favorite nor was I renting this movie with an expectation that it would be a faithful adaptation. Truth be told, the poem itself is a largely rambling description of the things Dante imagined within the nine circles of Hell. And while it may have inspired the video game upon which this movie is based, the poem is a separate entity unto itself.

With that said:

Dante’s Inferno is a journey through hell for a Crusader seeking to rescue his one true love from the depths after her soul is claimed by Lucifer. He is led through the nine circles of Hell by the poet Virgil, where he comes to face his own sins and the burning souls of those he has known in life. At the end of each level he is forced into combat with one of Hell’s minions, using a hell-wrought scythe stolen from one of the demons he slays at the Gate. The story is told with ultraviolent animation from several different sequence directors blends a mix of styles, with artists from America, South Korea, and Japan working to adapt the tale provided in cut scenes from the new video game from EA. There’s no reinvention of the wheel, and most of the film pretty much bogs down with the over-wrought cries from it’s main protagonist as he calls out “Beatrice!” while charging through one violent encounter after another. I would have been flipping out as a teenager, but the script becomes somewhat tedious after the first several screams and then just grates on your nerves when you see some of the obvious turn approaching.

The different animation styles blend well enough together. Each canto is pretty much represented by a different artist, with some stylistic changes between the different studios as Dante is presented with long hair, short hair, mutton chops, different builds, and a variety of different artistic changes. He does, however, consistently wear a red cross stitched across his chest and a veritable crown of iron that could be seen as a helm, a metal band, or some such variation. Other characters feature similar variations in their appearance. The project is a major support for a video game that brings on the grue in tidal waves of blood and gore, and that’s all it ever sets out to be. Perhaps it may inspire some younger genre fans to pick up the occasional classic or research the history of the Crusades. Not very likely, but it might.

3.5 out of 5
Worth a look.

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

The original Universal Soldier is largely thought of as a Terminator rip off, cashing in on the success of T2 and promoting itself as a vehicle for the action star antics of Jean Claude Van Damme. There have been several direct to video sequels, a theatrical follow up some years later, and now a new direct to DVD film featuring the two headline stars of the original film. JCVD reprises his role from the original film in a sequel that pretty much ignores any of the prior sequels; no mention of a daughter, no mention of other Uni-Sol projects, and no retirement for the Luc Deveraux character. In this film, Luc is one of five original Uni-Sol’s still in commission. He is taking part in an experiment to rehabilitate and rejoin society.

A terrorist kidnaps the teenage children of a Russian president, occupies and threatens to detonate the reactors at Chernobyl, and threatens the world with massive nuclear fall out if some 200+ political prisoners are not released. A doctor responsible for the Next Gen Uni-Sol project works with the bad guy, and the military sends in the four remaining Uni-Sols to try and free the hostages, disarm the bomb, and defeat the Next Gen standing guard. The whole movie is a nonstop action blitz as MMA star Andrei Arlowski fills the role of the Next Gen soldier tasked with basically wiping out his opposition. Van Damme is called in with everything goes south, and we find out the mad doctor has a surprise twist of his own with a cloned and upgraded copy of the original films’ Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren).

Unlike the original film, Lundgren isn’t really given much of a chance to develop his character or do much of anything. There are some scenes that show a glimmer of the psychotic inability to conform that led to Scotts’ breaking free of his programming in the original film, but there’s none of the back story to explain why he behaves or thinks the way he does in this film. I had always thought that Lundgren’s performance in the original film actually saved it from being a total waste of time and that he made a terrific villain. Sure, the whole premise may have been meant to cash in on the T2 action movie trend, but it wasn’t nearly as bad some of the other dreck I’ve seen in my life. In a surprising twist, it’s actually JCVD who manages to captivate some of the drama for his Luc Deveraux character. Confused, lost, and unable to understand the glimmers of emotion running in the back of his head, Luc only seems at peace when he’s at the violent peak for which he was created… but his own nature seems to reject. But, like Lundgren, Van Damme isn’t really given enough screen time in this movie to develop a wholly cohesive storyline behind his character.

Too many things happening at a break neck pace, wrapped up with some great martial arts action and explosive combat. Unfortunately, not enough time is spent on providing a solid focus for the audience. In the midst of the political division between the terrorist and the mad doctor, we also have a “normal” recon commando heading into the lion’s den to ferret out information and maybe locate the hostages, the personal struggle with JCVD, and the kidnapped teenagers attempting to make their own stands. The thing is, I wanted to see a little more out of the characters, a little more out of the script, but I’m also satisfied with what the director delivered anyway. This movie was pure octane explosive action with some of the best martial arts choreography I’ve seen in a long while. The stunts were top notch and we saw a good blend of striking combined with an interesting blend of grappling, a much more subtle form of the art that doesn’t see a lot of great cinematography as a result. The crew manages to overcome the limitations most action choreographers find with grappling styles.

Universal Soldier is a satisfying snack to pass the time with, but you’re not going to find much in the way of meat and potatoes. Worth a look, though.

3.5 out of 5.

General yapping about Internet Media, 2 mini-reviews, and a full fledged RIP on one film.

2010-03-08T21:41:00.000-08:00

So I spent some of this weekend watching a few things off my Roku-player, including a couple of Netflix movies. So I’m watching some sketch comedy shows, cheaply produced parody programs, and review-based shows that give rundowns on upcoming products on tech and fandom. There’s a ton of stuff out there that I think people simply aren’t aware of, alternative forms of media and entertainment that have developed through the internet instead of relying on corporate sponsorship with broadcast television. These are largely “labor of love” projects designed to get out there and be available for the people who look for it, but a growing list of companies have recently added their brief sponsorship to the programs with brief tags instead of elaborate time wasting commercials. To be frank, I think these companies may be on the cutting edge of finding cheap commercial advertising in a troubled economy.

Personally, I’d love to develop some sort of movie-hosting format internet show but I can’t honestly think of a format or style I’d like to go in. Also, Netflix is so readily available for a cheap monthly subscription that I can’t honestly believe someone would rather watch me introduce, discuss, and run skits on the same movies they might more easily be able to watch through Netflix. A lot of people know how much love I have for the Horror Host format, but I don’t really have the degree of personal faith in myself to do something with it. There are also several ‘net shows devoted to the art of burning some of these movies in comedic styles with only brief cuts and long-winded rants on everything from the effects, the scripts, to the acting and cheapness. Not a dismissal on what these hosts do, because I love spoonyexperiment and thatguywithglasses, but I don’t really want to mock the things I love so much as share an appreciation for them with others. Then again, I also love doing the mocking thing on occasion, especially when something warrants that mocking as you’ll read a little later.

Anyway, I doubt most of my faceless readers really want to bother reading about my lack of creativity. Here are my thoughts on some of the films I’ve been watching through Netflix, and maybe some of you folks will check them out when you get the chance or opportunity.

Revenge of the Living Dead Girls:

This one is a cheap little French import that virtually hits every note on the Exploitation check list. Three teen girls are poisoned by contaminated milk during an elaborate plot involving blackmail, prostitution, illegal chemical dumping, extra-marital affairs, and rampant environmental terrorism. They rise from the dead in order to exact vengeance upon all the individuals guilty of bringing about their deaths through their actions. We get some gruesome scenes here as the girls devour, stab, drown, and stab their victims. But remember that check list I mentioned? Run down that list and start checking off the graphic violence, sexuality, bad dubbing, wretched acting, and brutal production values and let your sleaze flag fly.

4 out of 5.

Severed: Forest of the Dead

Somewhat rambling and one act too long, Severed is standard “zombie” fare with a chemically altered moss managing to mutate the sap in a tree and infecting both loggers and protesters deep in a secluded forest. My early inclination was to avoid this movie, because I didn’t really have an interest in seeing some obvious demonization of the logging industry, but this film actually surprised me by avoiding a lot of the preaching you might expect and to spread the guilt around a little more and blur the lines of right and wrong. Collecting the standard cast of characters (rich kid, responsible father figure, rebellious girl, smarmy scientist, eager hero, and other somewhat likeable zombie bait) and sending them out to run through the woods while zombies chase them is as entertaining as it sounds. We get some good gore, a few elaborate traps for the zombies, the expected sacrifice plays, and betrayals, all leading up to a finale that suddenly falls flat because they seem to tag on an additional twenty minutes where the main cast suddenly joins together with a wholly new set of survivors from some “Other” logging camp on the other side of the mountain. All in all, not a bad film but there is better on the horizon. A standard zombie movie is like pizza… even when it’s not great, it’s still pretty good.

3 out of 5.

Truth or Dare

*blink* Okay, I can’t talk about this film without spoilers. I could give you a review, but nothing I could say in the context of an honest review would give this film any justice and I just want to yap about it a little. So here’s your only warning, big spoiler alert, and then you’ll get my rating.

Low Budget films are a labor of love for many of the cast and crew involved with the production. It is sometimes a misguided or badly put together labor that struggles to make the best out of their limitations. Even in the lowest rung of low budget travesties, you can see the passion someone had for developing the final product and giving you the most amount of bang for your buck. “Truth or Dare” is a bold and daring attempt to be one of the most horrible things ever caught on film. This is one of those “So bad it’s funny” films that stretches the boundaries of the absurd and tosses “implausible” out the window in an explosive result that may just threaten the sanity of its viewers. This is the kind of film that sets out to emulate magnificent success formula of “Troll 2” by extending itself as an exercise in endurance and a test of wills. So you’re going to have to stay with me a moment before I get to the premise for this shockingly awful monstrosity that Netflix believed would earn four stars from the Madman.

Mike is your average milquetoast sort of nervous wreck of a man whose entire existence seems to revolve around his wife and his work. Some years earlier, Mike had a nervous breakdown and has been in and out of institutions for quite some time when he returns home early and finds his wife and his best friend in carnal knowledge. The incident sends Mike on a tailspin that leads our protagonist to drive his car out to the beach and have several flashbacks to the clues that his wife may not have been a one man kind of gal, with a fantastic synthesizer soundtrack repeating the same heavy-handed theme throughout the entire film at various points. So Mike flashes back… and forth… back… and forth. He kind of wanders down to the edge of the beach, where the water actually manages to just barely reach up to his feet but never comes up with a surprise wave that flushes over his footwear… not a major impact on the film, but something I thought was actually noteworthy. He keeps flashing back… and forth… and back… and forth. He comes to some sort of a conclusion after he remembers playing Truth or Dare with a group of kids in middle school. Young Mike was played by one of the Backstreet Boys, I kid you not! He heads out, continuing to drive aimlessly. He picks up a hitch-hiker and starts to have delusions surrounding that old child-hood game of Truth or Dare, carving out his own tongue and thumb that miraculously grow back after a 13 month stint in the local sanitarium. PAY ATTENTION!!!! The tongue and the thumb GREW BACK!!! He was wheeled into the sanitarium without either and he’s wheeled out with the ability to speak with perfect enunciation and an opposing digit on both hands. Mike is a loonie, but he gets released from the Sanitarium long enough that he’s able to sneak back into the house of his ex-wife and kill his buddy before getting slashed by the chick and stumbling out to the front yard. He lies on the ground, clutching his bleeding gut, while some extras stand by and mumble out dialogue about calling for an ambulance and then an officer shows up just in time to tell the people milling about that we’re all going to wait for the ambulance. And we wait. WE ACTUALLY WAIT FOR THE AMBULANCE!!!! No no no no no.. I’m not done! Don’t stop reading yet!

Five months later, back at the Sanitarium: Mike is wheeled into an empty room where he’s asked to wait while we get some expository dialogue between his doctors. You see, the lunatic is having delusions and these delusions are intruding on his reality while… DID HE JUST STUFF A GRENADE DOWN SOME DUDE’S MOUTH?!?!?!!! Yes, back in the room, Mike is playing Truth or Dare with some imaginary friends… at least they might be imaginary and part of a delusion, but we’re not so clear on it. He’s already whipped out a big ol’ Rambo knife and dared one guy to cut off two random limbs and the other guy has a grenade shoved in his mouth. Mike? Oh, he accepts his own dare and he starts to cut off his own face with the knife… CUT OFF HIS FACE WITH THE KNIFE!!! So we flash forward a few more months, maybe years, I don’t know… I’m not really in the mood to keep track when we have some orderlies discussing the new copper mask that Mike is refusing to take off. I guess Mike now has Pac Man Fever, because the funky copper mask comes off as this big yellow lump of clay cut in a circular pattern with a wide line for the mouth and two small slits for eyes. Let’s just cut this a little shorter than the movie actually wound up doing, because Mike manages to break free of the sanitarium and go on a killing spree that includes the use of fully automatic guns, chainsaws, vehicular manslaughter, a machete, A FREAKIN’ MACE, and this thing never seems to freakin’ end! It just goes on and on and on….

The cop is back! The guy who earlier called for an ambulance seems to be in charge of the manhunt and he tries to track down Mike and put an end to his psychotic rampage. It is only through the grotesquely moronic antics of his overweight and overbearing partner that we even begin to suspect that he might just be the most qualified officer on the force, because this guy is NOT Columbo by any stretch of the imagination. So while Mike drives around in the same car he stole at the beginning of his killing spree, snatches some weapons from a storage shack rented in his name (The ONLY storage shack on what seems to be a dirt road dead center in the middle of freaking NOWHERE!!!), slaughters pedestrians with a variety of bizarre weapons, and pretty much just heads over to his ex-wife’s house with hopes of finishing the job he got caught doing a few months back… the police manage to NOT set up any road blocks or patrol his old neighborhood or do anything worth while to stop him. They do, however, manage to burn down the old shack after NOT confirming whether anyone is in there and they also manage to catch the town drunk in the blaze and than shrug off his accidental death at the hands of an utterly incompetent officer in a too tight floral shirt exposing the girth of his stomach for the world to see. And, boy, did that cop screw up badly… he MIGHT have derailed the whole investigation! Sure, he killed the town drunk by unnecessarily setting blaze to some badly manufactured shed in the middle of nowhere, but that’s nothing compared to the valuable time and resources lost in putting out that blazing shed no bigger than an out-house.

In one of the most hilarious moments of the film, Mike pulls up to the curb and gets out of the car in order to arm himself up with a variety of weapons that include nunchucks, a machete, a chainsaw, knife, sub-machine gun, and… wait for it… an IRON MACE! So an elderly lady comes waltzing up and starts yapping about his rudeness and wanting him to leave and some other nonsense. She’s just yapping away at him, and Mike is staring at his old house with this big copper mask on his face and a variety of hardcore weaponry hanging from his personage. He whips out this huge iron mace, glances at the woman, and brings it SMACKING down on her head. Obviously made out of some sort of foam rubber, the mace just bounces off and the actress collapses as the scene cuts to show that she’s lying in a sudden puddle of blood. The movie is finally coming to some sort of conclusion because there’s no way he’ll just be sent back to the lunatic asylum after all this, right? He stalks up to the house and heads right into … a trap! His doctor from the asylum is waiting for him in the running shower, and he just blasts away with his gun until Mike falls in the hall. The doc heads out, calls for the wife to come out… but she’s dead already! Mike is up, he kills the doctor, and… and… the police show up! And they warn him to put down his weapons… and they bring him back to the asylum.

There! I spoiled the whole movie for you! You don’t need to watch it, you don’t need to waste your time, and you don’t need to do anything if you don’t want to do it because I’ve just told you all the important moments of the film unless you want to see particular death scenes. This movie isn’t some labor of love, it isn’t some strange ode to the bad movies of a bygone era, this is the bad stuff straight from the tap and there isn’t anything left to do but watch it for yourself or don’t. Just because I told you what happened doesn’t in any way ruin the shocking surprises this movie has in store for you, because you shouldn’t be watching this thing with that sort of expectation. You should be reading this and thinking, “This sounds so terrible, I have to see if it’s true… is this really what happens?” You’re thinking about that grenade in the mouth and you’re wondering, you’re thinking about the implausible series of events wanting to know if there’s something I missed, and you want to endure this film as a test to your own will. That’s what these movies are for! They are tests to the indomitable will of the human spirit and the boundaries of the human mind. Truth or Dare? I dare you to watch this movie.

2 out of 5.

Black Dynamite and Bitch Slap, a double feature in the Mad Mark GRINDHOUSE?!?!?!!

2010-03-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

Black Dynamite

Michael Jai White is the titular hero in this throwback parody to the blaxploitation films of days long gone by. But, honestly, that's just way too simple of a description for what was one of the most entertaining, intelligent, and hilarious films I've seen in a long long time. It was such a whiplashing change from some of the crap I've been reviewing that I'm finding it a little hard to focus my thoughts on writing this review! White not only acts but is the primary creator and writer for this over the top action comedy. Take every single hero from those films in the past, throw them in a blender and send them through a strainer that leaves only the most awesome aspects and you have Black Dynamite. He's a tough, no-nonsense, martial arts bad ass who used to be a CIA agent sometime after a rough tour in vietnam and he now spends his time protecting the abused ho's from their pimps while cleaning up the neighborhood and pleasin' ALLLL the ladies. He's got a rhyming sidekick, the help of the black militants in the area, and a righteous woman who ain't no fool for that sly wink and sexy smile of his. And after The Man kills his brother, gets the neighborhood orphans hooked on smack, and then try to kill him and a couple of his friends, well that just sets Black Dynamite on the path of righteous vengeance with a martial arts fury that can NOT be stopped! He's takin' his fight to The Man, and I mean ALL ... THE ... WAY!!!! BOOYAH!!!

Okay, seriously, this film has one of the single most hilarious and awesome finale's I've seen in a long time. Black Dynamite faces off against the mob, the police, the CIA, Kung Fu Treachery, crazy bitches that need some slappin' down, and he does it all with a fresh soundtrack that seems straight out of the seventies or late sixties with funk guitar and lyrics that describe precisely what's happening on the screen. There are so many random moments in this movie that help it find it's mark straight and dead on, from dropping boom mics to misspoken dialogue, to cut scenes that suddenly replace actors and stuntmen, that I found myself laughing until my sides split. Unlike some films, Black Dynamite doesn't focus on these hilarious moments... instead; they happen, and you're left wondering if you just saw what you thought you saw, and you laugh a few beats after the moment. One scene, in particular, has a couple of thugs shooting at Dynamite and then trying to make their getaway. They leap into the car and reach to shut the door... but the sudden drop in weight got the door stuck up on the curb, so there's a split second where the thug is yanking on the door, and in the next cut he's driving off. HILARIOUS!!!! But let's take a moment to look at the unbelievably fantastically beautiful dialogue... and I QUOTE:

O'Leary: We heard about your brother's death and we don't want you running around turning the streets into rivers of blood.

Black Dynamite: Then tell me who did it and I'll just leave a puddle.

That's Black Dynamite in a nutshell. So if I haven't convinced you of the fact yet, you best get your ass out and wrangle yourself a copy before this bad muthaf****er comes over and pimpslaps your ass into the china cabinet, fools!

5 out of goddamn 5, BITCHES!

BITCHSLAP

What the holy hell happened to my bad luck with movies? Did I step on a damn leprachaun on my way home from the drudgery of work? Okay, this didn't even sound all that good from the outset as three vixens are looking to dig up some secret score out in the desert. A pyscho ex-con, a stripper, and a bad ass cold hearted bitch with a secret past just kidnapped and tortured some crooked cop who happens to work for the mysterious and deadly "Pinky" in order to find the stash of diamonds in the aftermath of some terrible incident several months earlier. We get to see some of the story in elaborate "green screen" flashbacks, building up to the inevitable cat fights, betrayals, all wrapped in over the top sex and violence with strange characters and a twisted sense of humor. It's so gratuitous that I couldn't stop laughing or cheering as we'd see the "ladies" perform a few slow motion teasing grinds with their bodies mere moments before the action would kick up and wrench the violence up with balls to the wall intensity. Bitch Slap never stops to apologize for a single bit of it's cheesy dialogue or try to be something more important than the campy sleeze grindhouse throwback that it was meant to be.

Another 5 out of 5? WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!!

Am I in a good mood or something? Why am I giving such great ratings for these movies? Dangit... this is all your fault, Cabin Fever 2... if you hadn't sucked so bad I'd have probably paid more attention to the faults in each of these features. But no, you had to suck so badly that you probably ruined my whole taste in movies!

Five BEST Werewolf films (in my opinion)

2010-03-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

1. An American Werewolf in London:

When he and his friend are caught on the moors by a mysterious beast, David wakes up in the hospital and learns, from the ghost of his dead friend, that while he survived he would also carry the curse of the beast with him unless he could manage to kill himself. Believing himself delusional, David awakens from a number of feverish nightmares and also establishes a relationship with his nurse. But as the first month comes to an end, David becomes the beast and tears through the city of London. Never before or since has any movie studio truly managed to capture the pivotal transformation scene quite as stunningly as this film from the 80’s. It is one of the most gruesome, heart-wrenching, bone splintering scenes ever caught on film and it succeeded in delivering the much needed punch to the gut that this story required. David is a victim and he’s a nice enough kind of guy that the audience sympathizes with his plight and we pray he can somehow find a way to rid himself of the curse.

2. Silver Bullet

Examining the curse from another end of the spectrum, Silver Bullet is about a small town terrorized by the looming threat of a werewolf as it stalks the people and children. One boy, crippled and bound to a wheelchair, manages to inflict an injury on the beast one evening and escape. The injury allows the boy and his sister to investigate and discover the true identity of the beast, drafting their largely irresponsible uncle to help them survive the beasts coming attack. This movie is packed with tension and honest horror, with a fantastic performance from both Corey Haim and the films Werewolf Antagonist. If you haven’t had a chance to check this one out, do yourself a favor and go for it.

3. The Wolfman (original)

The original Universal classic still holds up well and really sets the foundation for many of the werewolf films that have come later. A fairly good and decent man is cursed to become a killing machine by the light of the full moon, spreading fear and terror throughout the small county.

4.Ginger Snaps

A lot of my horror friends will probably find it odd that I’m including this more recent film on the list, but I truly think it’s one of the more fantastic twists on the Werewolf tale. Two close sisters are somewhat stunted and outcast from the world around them. When one is cursed, her body begins to go through all sorts of changes and needs that the other sister finds strange, confusing, and frightening. Growing further apart as the full moon draws close, one sister becomes desperate to find a cure while the other begins to bask in the glory of her transformation.

5.The Craving

Waldermar Deninsky as played by Paul Naschy, and I have yet to find a better film with this character. If I do, maybe it will be replaced.

I obviously can’t end this little piece without talking about a few more issues with the Werewolf Genre film. I don’t include movies like Underworld, Van Helsing, or Monster Squad on the list because while they feature the savage beast of lore, they aren’t really “werewolf” movies. They’re used more as a foil or servant to the Vampire villains in those films, often playing second fiddle or hero to a worse evil. But one more film that I think I should talk abut is the one film I think is probably the most overrated Werewolf movie. There are some spoilers here.

The Howling.

I’ll debate this issue with any fan who thinks differently, but I think “the Howling” is one of the worst werewolf movies ever put together for the purpose of a franchise and a stand-alone story. The premise seems interesting enough, having a little weekend commune reveal themselves to be a pack of werewolves who get together and howl in the woods… but the way the story is put together has never made much in the way of sense to me. Dee Wallace is this reporter, she’s tracking a serial killer, she meets him in a theater, he’s a werewolf, he attacks her, the police shoot him and she takes the advice of her psychologist to attend his weekend getaway. There are so many questions that never get answered and I’m never quite certain what the whole point of the story was supposed to be; Invasion of the Werewolf snatchers? You see, the killer escapes the morgue and hides out at the same commune camp run by the psychologist, the reporter is joined by her gigilo husband, there’s this wild woman in the woods, there are all these random folks who happen to be werewolves, some production assistants look deeper into the place and discover the secrets, and Dee Wallace does a little bit of screaming along the way and ultimately winds up getting bitten at the near end, turns into a wolf on public television, and then gets shot. Were they trying to get her to become a wolf, and why? Was there some sort of master plan in the long run or what? Why did the killer pick her to go wolf on in the beginning of the movie and why would he then blow his cover of being DEAD just for another shot at this random reporter girl? Why did the psychologist bring her out to the commune when his werewolf buddy was presumed dead? Nothing ever makes sense in this movie… sure there’s a clear cut narrative, a story that begins and ends, but there are no answers because we’re tossed great special effects in place of any sort of reasoning.

Two reviews: Percy Jackson and Cabin Fever 2

2010-03-02T18:49:00.001-08:00

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

I’d wanted to catch this film a little earlier, but circumstances conspired to continually throw different obstacles in my path. Lack of time, a screaming child, and the events just sort of piled up until my wife and son decided to just see the film without me. They were enthusiastic about it and both insisted that I needed to see it with them again, so we once again set out to see the film and FINALLY managed to catch a Sunday matinee that was neither too full nor too empty. I sat back, dipped my fingers into some popcorn, guzzled back some fruit juice, and let Chris Columbus transport me into another world where the Greek Gods walked and their children struggled to rise as heroes.

Percy Jackson is a young teenager struggling with a restless nature and growing dyslexia issues. Raised by a single mom and her abusive husband, Percy has an obvious affinity for the water and is accompanied by a best friend we later learn has a stronger connection to Jackson than we originally understand. Not knowing of his true birthright, Jackson is blamed for the theft of Zeus’ lightning bolt and chased by mythic creatures as he attempts to find the gate to Hades and rescue his mother. Along his path he must overcome various challenges accompanied by friends both new and old. Jacksons’ trials are based on the classic mythologies, as are the solutions.

I had a blast with this movie. It wasn’t too violent, wasn’t too childish, it was just some classic storytelling in a modern setting and it worked. There’s a place for CGI-rendered effects when they aren’t used to beat the audience over the head, and Columbus manages to use the technology as an accent to what is already a great story. Jackson is a great hero, rising to the defense of his mother in the face of an abusive of father or stepping into the depths of Hades without the usual sense of bravado. This is a hero who acts because he has to, not because he’s some sort of “chosen one” picked out of a hat to serve the forces of good.

4.5 out of 5.

Cabin Fever 2

Wow. Okay, some spoiler alerts are on but you’ll note how little they actually matter, much like the rest of this unbelievably terrible follow up to the original Cabin Fever.

This rancid piece of dog meat fell in my mailbox through some random trick of fate. With a running time of one hour and roughly twenty minutes, director Ty West manages to drag the film through a meandering pace that makes the viewer feel more like he just went through some sick four hour epic and never seems to actually take you anywhere. The opening moments of the film give us a taste of things to come as the disease ridden survivor of the last films’ infectious flesh eating virus manages to drag himself up out of the river creek, wander through the woods with his flesh getting raked off his body and blood splattering everywhere and this goes on for several long moments with the kid gasping for breath as he stumbles and trips his way to the main road where he’s unceremoniously plowed down by a high school bus. This sounds so unbelievably cool, but the staggering, running, tripping, and ripping gets so unbelievably tiresome that we simply stop caring by the time he hits the road that we’ve already become desensitized to anything that could happen and the rest of the film plays out in the same way. Considering that this same character was pretty much dead by the end of the first film anyway further illustrates the utter pointlessness of having him pop up again, but this whole movie is a series of pointless blundering and incoherently terrible decision making.

The rough plot has the infectious water get delivered to the local High School on the night of the prom while our erstwhile deputy from the first film kind of plays out his own sub-plot on the sidelines. The film would have been better of if they had developed an entire story around the deputy’s investigation and irresponsible antics, but they seemed more like a tag on in order to establish familiarity with the original film than anything else. We’re kind of expected to start caring about the stereotypical teenage crowd, but there isn’t a single truly likeable character in the bunch as they all come off as whining little brats who make a fairly big show out of drinking the water and then sharing deep soul kisses as a matter of setting up for the big bloody vomit finish that isn’t so much foreshadowed as it is dragged in front of your eyes with a big “ain’t I the coolest???” sign propped up next to it. Ty West manages to wring out any sense of shock or horror that comes with the fantastic visual effects through pointless dialogue, pointless wandering, and a staggering ability to stack scenes that never have any real pay off or contribute in any way to the story as a whole. Even as the story winds down to a climax, we’re treated to an additional ten minutes or so of sophomoric bathroom humor as a dangling plot thread is wrapped up in yet another meandering and ultimately pointless close to a film.

Director Eli Roth put enough distance between himself and this travesty that he seems rather free of the responsibility for this unbelievably terrible sequel. Cabin Fever 2 manages to unseat the gadawful wretchedness that was House of the Dead with this crap fest of a film, proving that there’s always some way to scrape beneath the bottom of the barrel to discover brand new levels of suck and awfulness if you just try hard enough. Ty West should be ashamed of himself, because it takes an unbelievable amount of wretchedness to craft a scene that requires one of its main characters to squeeze excess pus and blood from his nether regions in graphic detail and still make it a boring moment in this bag of snot. After having watched this movie, I feel as though I might actually be willing to endure the two hour epic of suck that is Transformers 2… I might even buy tickets to an early screening of the next Michael Bay-directed travesty to cinema, possibly even grant a viewing for one of Uwe Bolls’ more recent debacles just to build myself back up to watching something halfway decent. Movies like this are more likely to push me into a bottle than all the economic misery in the whole world.

2 out of 5, because the special effects were amazing and I’d feel guilty for not pointing out this one small thing that was actually done right even if the direction, story, and build up around each gag were miserable failures of epic suckage.

The most important Horror films of the past decade

2010-02-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

The other night, a young friend of mine asked me to recommend some good recent movies to watch… something scary, of course. I immediately started to think of some of the movies in my own collection, but quickly realized that I didn’t really understand what she probably meant by “recent”; within the past year, past five, or past ten? Domestic, or are we including foreign? It was then that I realized this last decade came to a close and it was one HECK of a decade for horror. On all fronts, the entire genre got a huge boost in the arm with some massively successful franchise films and inspired film making. The internet played a big part in spreading the “word of mouth” success for many films that used to only trade hands at conventions and cult screenings.

Now, the truth of the matter is that while I do maintain a certain degree of arrogance in my knowledge of the horror genre, I also maintain a reasonable sense of reality and my tastes are not really the same as everyone else. If I were to create a “top ten” list, I’d doubtless run into one person or another throwing out a few gems that should have hit my list but didn’t… and while I have substantial bits of information at my fingertips, I’m too lazy to spend a lot of time on research. So what you’re going to get from me are a list of the movies that most stick out to me over the past decade… the ones that really made me sit up and pay attention. They’re not even my favorite movies by a long shot. But I do think they’re the most important films in the past decade or so.

5: The Ring:

I saw the Japanese version before the American was adapted for a Western audience. It was a long, slow, tedious build to one of the best and most frightening visuals in recent years as a long haired, soaking wet, young girl would crawl out of the television set to kill her victims and set their bodies in a rictus state of terrified fear. It was the western introduction to J-Horror by way of roughly a dozen remakes from the Land of the Rising Sun, each movie featuring it’s very own “Hair Ghost” and technological means of haunting. And as audiences grew bored with the same visual effects, plotlines, and imagery being recycled over and over again they sought inspiration from other foreign sources. We discovered the burgeoning French Horror market and re-emergence of Spanish Horror. With the help of new technological advancements, the foreign film market was becoming much more available to meet alternative demands of the Western market.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake

It’s not a film I hold a lot of affection for, but I can’t deny the impact this film had on the genre over the past decade. Its success suddenly paved the road for other remakes, and additional sequels to these films that would wind up taking their respective franchise stories in different directions. In addition to the remakes, we also had the “Retro” trend… current movies based on a retro formula from another era. Rob Zombie cashed in with House of 1000 Corpses and his “Devils Rejects” follow-up, while both Tarantino and Rodriguez teamed up to bring us “Grindhouse”. The whole “Retro” trend also inspired several DVD distributors to pick up cheap prints of public domain films, bundle them up in packages for a quick buck or, in some cases, purchase distribution rights to cult classics and give them a whole digital re-master with tons of special features.

3. Cabin Fever

Eli Roth also hit the scene with this little “cabin in the woods” feature, a movie that touched on current events and fears by developing a horrible flesh eating virus as the films main antagonist. The violent reactions to the virus from the films cast of characters were a horrible mirror to the panic and paranoia inspired by SARS, anthrax, and various other chemical weapons fears in the wake of 9/11. Roth’s films would continue to explore the fears and paranoia’s in a charged political climate over the next several years. His success also spawned a lot of first-time directors to get funding for their own little projects. Adam Green, Neil Marshall, and various other genre favorites were able to make the movies they always wanted to. Hatchet never saw much in the way of theatrical support, but Anchor Bay continues to hold this film up as its biggest money maker in DVD sales. These huge successes proved the viability for completely original films, with DVD genre films cutting out a huge chunk of the genre market in the past ten years.

2. Zombie Mania!!! Too many films to list!

Zombie films made a huge comeback this decade. First we had the Resident Evil franchise, 28 Days Later, a few Romero remakes and two returns, and sequels to the most successful franchises. Shaun of the Dead started the whole “zomedy” trend that spawned Zombie Strippers, Zombieland, and on and on. The huge market success of zombies even made it as far as video games, books, comics, fashion, and various media outlets. Zombies were cool and accepted, up to the point of a virulent spread of Zombie Walks throughout the world. Although they were all inspired by “Night of the Living Dead”, the truth is that zombie films only found a recent re-emergence after the success of a number of different films. We can’t really pin the success for the whole sub-genre on any one particular film in this case so you might as well take your own pick on this one. I’ll say it’s a toss up between “28 Days Later” and “Shaun of the Dead”.

Saw

The most important horror film in the past decade has already seen six sequels with a seventh on the way. It’s unabashed treatment of bloody effects, morality, and a reworking of the Slasher premise paved the way for other film makers to push the envelope on violence and horror. Jigsaw became an iconic character for a new generation of horror fans everywhere. It gave birth to the controversial sub-genre definition that seemed to carry through the entire decade, with one “torture” film after another and another.

Bloody Reunion, Opera, and Lo: 3 DVD reviews because I'm not going to bother with Shutter Island. CRAP!!!

2010-02-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

I’m skipping this weekend’s Theatrical horror entry entirely and I have no interest in watching “Shutter Island” now or when it’s released on DVD. Shutter Island looks like the overly produced and fairly typical Hollywood “twist ending” thriller that have been flooding the market over the past several years. I’m broke, people… I can’t see every little faux horror feature that sees a theatrical run and I’m not exactly rolling with invitations to screen films with a press pass.

This is a blog, not a real publication type of magazine. You folks want due diligence to the art of film reviews than I suggest you check out some trade magazines, newspapers, and other sources. I’m just a dinky little fan who wants to yap about the movies he’s seen recently, and the movies he wants to see eventually. So it’s DVD time from Netflix, and I’m unlucky enough to not get the brand new releases I was hoping for. No “Cabin Fever” sequel yet, Miike’s latest Yakuza adaptation, or that other movie I was waiting for. Hey, I forgot the name, and I don’t feel like looking at my list at the moment. Sue me! So let’s see what I did get?

Bloody Reunion:

Japan doesn’t precisely corner the market on the Asian Horror scene. Korea is quickly jumping to catch up in leaps and bounds with their own films, including the Vengeance trilogy and “A Tale of Two Sisters”, among others. So when I noticed a little slasher entry on my “suggestions” list from Netflix, I decided to throw this little gem up to the top of my list for a quick review. The premise looked promising enough, with a group of children from the same class reuniting after some twenty years at the home of their sick teacher. They are systematically stalked and slaughtered in slasher-gore fashion with a special nod toward the “torture” films so popular over the past ten years. Good enough for me! Let’s roll the film and see what develops…

And in the opening moments, we see the teacher give birth to a deformed child, get abused by her husband, watch the same husband kill himself in front of their child, and various other flashes of her teaching these kids who are bound to meet some twenty years after the death of her husband. It takes less than five minutes to update us on all of this before the police barge in, turn on the lights, and reveal a horrible scene of blood and horror as her adult students have been killed. There are two survivors… the sickly teacher and one of the students, a young woman who then tells the lead detective the whole story that then proceeds to unfold for the next hour and then some. I have whiplash before the story really gets underway, but I’m sure all these flashes and quickly delivered bits of information will become relevant at some later point in the story so I keep watching. And we get gore… we get a lot of gore. We get one victim forced to swallow razor blades washed down with hot, scalding water. Another has their eyelids stapled open. And on and on it goes, with crucifixions and brutal beatings and on and on and on. And throughout the story, we get flashbacks to the class some twenty years earlier where Mrs. PARKS isn’t quite the wonderful teacher we originally are led to believe in. But who is the killer; the deformed son, the shy student once humiliated before his peers, Mrs. PARKS herself, or one of the other maladjusted children who have grown to resent and hate the teacher and the rest of the class? (Why is her name in all caps? Because that’s how the sub-titles kept reading throughout the entire film and I couldn’t tell if it was a language thing or just someone in the sub-title department having fun at my expense. Are we supposed to shout her name when we talk about the film? Is it really the way it’s spelled in Korean? What’s up with that? Why does no one else have their whole name in caps? Look, I don’t know the answer people; I’m just telling you why I’m capping her name for this review.)

The story is decent; if not something I’ve seen a few too many times to really deliver the shock it probably intends. Though subtitled, the film is sometimes a little hard to follow and leaves a few too many dangling threads with no real answers. The movie suffers from a host of too many squandered opportunities, including the introduction of iconic imagery with a “Bunny-Mask” killer. It is fairly generic, but I doubt it was ever attempting to reinvent the wheel. Despite its flaws, however, Bloody Reunion was a fun watch for me and one I would definitely recommend to a good number of my horror friends.

4 out of 5.

Lo

This is a film that is just full of surprises. Nearly the entire movie takes place in the confines of a small circle of candles set on the floor of a dark room. A young man summons the demon Lo in order to save his girlfriend from the nether pits. If the man breaks the circle with any part of his body, the demon and other foul monstrosities will have him and will devour him in eternal torment for all eternity. So the stakes are set and the audience is on the edge of their seat as both demon and man collide in a test of wills, their story unfolding in bizarrely acted flashbacks taking place on a small stage lit with spotlight. The boy and the girl meet, they fall in love, and a demon appears to drag the woman to hell as the young man is left to recover from his wounds.

What makes the film work are it’s limitations, capturing the story in the confines of a summoning circle allows the film makers to make the best out of a minimum budget and every dollar is shown on the screen. The simple make-up is helped along by good lighting effects, casting things in shadows that the camera tends to play with in order to express different moods. Sometimes played for laughs, the story is pure horror at it’s core and plays off themes developed in the classic tale of Faust.

Major credit for this film should fall square on the shoulders of its lead actor, a role that requires him to be sympathetic and somewhat awkward as he pits his will against that of an ageless demon. Certainly, it takes more than one to tango, but all other performances are heightened by this guys performance as he sells the gravity of the situation and could have come dangerously close to over reaching. He rips your heart in one moment while the next sees him playing various reactions for laughs, and he absolutely captures the camera throughout each scene.

4 out of 5.

Dario Argento’s “Opera”

I actually did some research on this film! Okay, I pretty much looked it up on Wikipedia and a couple of random fan sites, but the end result is still the same. I wanted to find out some additional information, and so I have a little bit of background to go on. Why would I go through this much trouble? Well, keep on reading and you’ll eventually find out.

This film is considered one of the last true Argento “Masterpieces” and was also a very troubled production for cast and crew on the set. Vanessa Redgrave was originally cast as the diva but dropped out of the movie due to scheduling conflicts, so her role was shot completely from her POV. One of the cast members died during filming, and many of the crows used for filming were lost or escaped during production. Finally, several distributors demanded various cuts to the finished film, and they withdrew any real theatrical support and chose to release the film directly to video at the time of it’s release. Argento himself believed that the production was likely haunted by the curse of MacBeth, a plot device used throughout the story.

When the lead actress for the latest production of Lady MacBeth is injured, her young study is propelled to stardom when she takes the part. The Opera is believed to be haunted by the curse of MacBeth and its new lead is stalked by a vicious killer who binds our antagonist and forces her lids open with needles taped to her lids. The film features some brilliant set pieces, great cinematography, and brutal killings. But all of that suddenly takes a quick and rapid turn toward the end of the film as every dangling plot thread is frayed, cut, and ultimately left to dangle in the middle a huge mess of nothingness! Seriously… this film is a prime example that you can build a great first, second, and even third act but then completely fall apart with an ending that very cleverly exposes the killer and leaves you wondering about every other bizarre character introduced and ultimately left to flounder throughout the story! What’s worse is that, even after the ending of the film and story, we’re left with another ten minutes or so of additional material that doesn’t actually go anywhere nor do anything. It’s just this big huge mess that wastes time and leaves you wondering why the director fought so hard to leave it in one piece.

Honestly, I was finished with the film but I wanted to know if I had seen some sort of cut up print with missing material lopped off so I logged on to the internet to find out. And the answer is that I saw the finished product, the one that Argento fought the distributors in order to have his vision released, and I couldn’t figure out why he would even want to. If there had been some additional revelation or transformation, I could have easily understood his desire to see the project through to the bitter end… but there was nothing! NOTHING!!! Everything that needed to be said or shown had already been explicitly detailed throughout the course of the film, and we were still left with dangling plot threads that never made a single move to make sense. I’ve seen better Argento films that came out much later than this one, and I’m not going to deny the greatness that this film could have been but it wasn’t even close to Suspiria and I thought The Card Player was much better than this thing.

2 out of 5.

The Wolfman (remake) "FANTASTIC!"

2010-02-15T11:30:00.000-08:00

I love the Universal Classic Horror films. As a young boy, I would scour the local library for these orange hardcover books that featured photographs and stories from the movies from a bygone era. I read up on the Mole People, the Wolf Man, and on and on. The Universal characters were probably where my love of horror found its beginning. So when the studio announced a remake of their classic "Wolf Man" story, I nearly leapt out of my chair with glee and started to dance. It was to star Benicio Del Toro, a fine actor in his own right, would be stepping up to play Lawrence Talbot. Joining him would be Anthony Hopkins, stepping into the shoes of Basil Rathbones Lord John Talbot. Joe Johnston would be directing the film, his previous credits include Jurassic Park 3, Jumanji, and several other noteworthy films. They had an amazing cast, a capable director, and a writing team that included the person responsible for the Sleepy Hollow script. Finally, they had Rich Baker in charge of the make-up effects. The man who created the single most incredible Werewolf transformation scene EVER shot on film, the American Werewolf in London.

News began to filter out as the production dragged on. Re-shoots, cutting, changing the music, pushing back the release date, and rumors that the film would wind up a franken-movie... some badly edited rambling piece of tripe that Universal quickly began to lose faith in. I tried to ignore the news, but found a sense of dread building as I watched one wretched failure after another hit the screen over the past few years.

On Sunday afternoon, plans were already in stone for me to check out the film that evening when I happened upon the DVD releases for several Universal Horror Classics at Costco. $6.99 got me a DVD and a free ticket to see The Wolfman, for each film that I picked up. The original classic with Lon Chaney, Dracula, and The Creature From The Black Lagoon have now joined Frankenstein in my DVD collection and I printed out my free tickets for the two friends that joined me at the theater. Now that you have the background regarding my mindset for the film... here's my review.

THE WOLFMAN: (remake)

After the disappearance of his brother, Lawrence Talbot is summoned to his ancestral home by the brothers' fiancee. Long estranged from his family after the death of his mother, Talbots return is met with suspicion from the local villagers and with dismissal from his emotionally distant father. He learns about his brothers death upon his arrival, and Lawrence immediately sets out to discover what sort of man or beast is responsible. Hopefully this won't count as a spoiler, but Talbot's investigation eventually leads him to a confrontation with a beast that results in the man becoming bitten. Cursed to become a wolf upon the rise of the full Moon, Lawrence struggles with the beast inside himself while still attempting to learn the identity of the beast who cursed him so.

Beautifully shot, the visuals harken back to the Universal Classics with deep shadows and heavy fog on a European countryside. CGI and traditional effects are both used, and there's plenty of grue to satisfy the gorehound. The Wolfman literally rips people apart, tearing through flesh and yanking out innards with a fury that seems unmatched. Body parts lie scattered about the moors, the wolfman howls to the moon, and the world is appropriately terrorized by the presence of such a beast. But Del Toro offers a restrained performance as Talbot, a man so afraid of what he could become but unwilling to leave the world unprotected from the beast that he wants only to stay alive long enough to stop the monster from striking again.

I loved nearly every moment of the film. There were a few faults, however... some scenes were a little clumsy or sequences seemed a little out of place with regards to the narrative. I thought the chase through London could have been trimmed a little bit, one moment especially seeming to have no point and even seemed so hastily thrown together that it lost any sort of emotional resonance. And, while brilliant, Hugo Weavings' "Detective Abberline" seems awfully wasted as the investigator from Scotland Yard charged with tracking down Talbot. There's more I'd love to talk about, but I don't really want to spoil the film for anyone who might be reading. It's important, though... so I'll give you some spoiler space after my rating.

4 out of 5.

****SPOILER ALERT *****

****SPOILER ALERT *****

****SPOILER ALERT *****

****SPOILER ALERT *****

****SPOILER ALERT *****

You've been warned, but this is significant for talking about my experience with The Wolfman. The cyclical nature of abuse is such that victims are often terrified of becoming the thing they most despise. At the same time, there is a constant temptation to fall into these familiar patterns and to become the abuser. The victim is also made to feel that their abuse is their own fault, and they carry a guilt with them that rips and rends their heart and mind. It's a real issue that far too many people have experienced in their lives, and the Wolfman pulls no punches in using this very theme to tell its' story. Talbot has long carried a guilt over the death of his mother, his own imprisonment in a sanitarium, and his rejection by a father who sent him to live with relatives in America. Sir John is emotionally distant and, yet, codependant on the presence of both Lawrence and his other son to feel important and dominant in some way. Hopkins portrays a villain who is both pathetic and absolutely frightening... a man who has mastered the abuse and ill treatment of his children, justified it, and ultimately wanted nothing more than to pass it on to another generation.

The Grindhouse Experience Vol.1 (with some mention of vol.'s 2 & 3)

2010-02-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

The Grindhouse Experience Collection Vol. 1

Cashing in on the presentation of the Tarantino/Rodriguez project, The Grind House Experience Collection is a project devoted to the DVD presentation of exploitation films that inspired the double-feature billing of Planet Terror and Death Proof a few years back. Truth be told, it’s a blatant rip-off cash-in feeding on sentimental nostalgia and fan-boy enthusiasm. That’s not a negative statement by any stretch of the imagination, because the whole of Exploitation films were devoted to the same basic principles of cashing in and pushing the envelopes on successful formulas with regards to sleaze and violence. I can respect that.

The latter 2 collections were devoted, largely, to some Spaghetti Western genre films. Vol. 2 did contain several films that weren’t actually westerns, but were related in various ways to the character of Trinity and the buddy-team of Hill and Spencer. The third volume of the collection dealt largely with the character of Sartana, played by various actors. Having already purchased Volumes 2 & 3 of TGE, I picked up the first little box set of 20 movies for the fabulously low cost of $25. Rather than focusing on one sub-genre in the world of “Exploitation”, TGE 1 offers a variety presented in a double feature showcase. Horror, Women in Prison, Kung-Fu, Spaghetti Westerns, and so on, so forth.

The movies aren’t presented in the best of possible formats. They’re low budget prints with various subtitles, dubs, and quality issues one would actually have found in the Grindhouse or Drive-In theaters. Sound comes off a little scratchy on some of the features; the screen is cut rather than reformatted to fit a television, and there are some other small quality issues with the presentation of the films collected. If you’re a “Hi-Def” perfectionist with regards to film quality, this collection will probably not be your cup of tea. With that said, the films being showcased through TGE are obscure enough that this may be the only way to catch them on DVD and the price is an affordable drop in the bucket for the hours of entertainment being made available. For some people, these films will be pure nostalgia. For other people, they could act as a window to another time and the source of inspiration for many modern film-makers of today.

The Movies:

Women's Camp 119

Tortured Angels

Savage Man/Savage Beast

Raw Force

Confessions of a Police Captain

Executioner 2 (personal selling point... loved this movie as a pre-teen. Vigilante with a flamethrower??? YES!!!)

Poseidon Explosion

Violent Professionals

Frank and Tony

Kung Fu Punch of Death

Return of the Tiger (YES!!!!)

Go Kill and Come Back

Bounty Man

Three tough Guys

Mandinga

The Children

Demon Witch Child

High School Hitch-hikers

Carry on Emannuelle

House of the Devil / Give 'Em Hell, Malone / GI JOE: Resolute / Murder Party = 4 Reviews

2010-02-05T18:24:00.000-08:00

HOUSE OF THE DEVIL

All I have heard about over the past several months is just how incredible “House of the Devil” was supposed to be. A throwback to horror films of the 1980’s, the film is both set in and filmed with the same traditional effects of that era. Ti West has been held aloft and praised as a savior to the genre by some of the most prolific horror sites and magazines. I’ve heard it before, of course… they said the same stuff about Adam Green and his film “Hatchet”, they said the same about “Grace”, they also said the same thing about “[Rec]” and the French horror market in recent years. Once upon a time, the same writers also held Eli Roth up to the same praise with “Cabin Fever”. So, in all the years of hearing the hype and buying into it, I figured there could be no way that “House of the Devil” could be a miss with the kind of praise it had gotten.

I popped the DVD in and proceeded to spend the next hour plus watching a girl poke around a nearly empty house with an eerie soundtrack playing in the background. The story is kind of simple: A young college girl in need of money takes a job as a babysitter, only to discover there’s no baby and the professional couple is actually in need of someone to care for the elderly mother of the wife. And while the monotony is occasionally broken up by some of the most brutal and horrific violence in recent years, the rest of the film is just one long meandering bit of nothing and more nothing. The girls’ pacing and wandering brings her close to discovering the horrifying truth behind her employees, but we’re usually just stuck with watching her try doors, pick up photographs, and refill her water bottle several times throughout the evening. I’m usually the first person to defend the same plot devices being used over and over again, so long as those devices are used well…. House of the Devil uses the plot devices well, but it’s really a thirty minute episode of the Twilight Zone stretched out for about another hour with some of the most patience grinding slow pans of doors, windows, and the approaching lunar eclipse that acts as a constant reminder that “something” is about to happen. It takes a long time, long past the moment where I actually stopped caring about what was going on and just wanted to see the principle character do more than just poke around the empty house.

Eventually, the film does come to a fantastic climax with all the promised gore and violence I’d come to expect with all the rave reviews this movie had. But it was too late, because the film had already long ago lost my interest and I was now just thankful to see SOMETHING actually happen.

2 out of 5

Give ‘Em Hell, Malone

Thomas Jane is “Malone”, the hard drinkin’, ham-fisted, square-jawed, both-guns-blazing, anachronistic tough guy in this throw back to violent “film-noir” detective stories set in modern times…. Sort of? The film starts in the middle of a gun fight as Malone attempts to gain possession of a mysterious case, blasting away at the criminal thugs standing in his way. And right off, we start the whole movie with a brutal bloodbath with slow motion bullets plowing through body parts and sending the red stuff splattering all over the screen. This is “film-noir’ through the exploitation lens, with Jane gritting his teeth through just about every line of dialogue as he faces off against bizarre villains and shoots his way up to the main villain for a final showdown. Ving Rhames is exceptional as the featured henchman to the less than fabulous villain, a seasoned gunman whose own demons lead him on a deadly chase to bring down Malone.

This movie was CRAYYY-ZEEEE… not just a little insane or out of the ordinary, but that extra touch of something special to make it so bizarre that you ignore every little bad or cheese moment set up through the course of this movie. I have no idea why this film didn’t see just a little play in the theater, because it was a full throttle adrenaline rush and would have been a big cult hit for a large audience of freaks like me. So goes the Hollywood industry, though. They pretty much shovel the usual crap down our gullets while sending great films like this into forced obscurity!

4.5 out of 5.

GI Joe : Resolute

This quick animated feature uses many techniques from traditional anime in order to create a story in the traditional Joe universe of my youth. Growing up in the 80’s, GI Joe was a toy and afternoon cartoon staple for a lot of kids my age. Some twenty years later, Mattel continues to develop the product line with the occasional update for a new generation. “Resolute” was developed for the traditional fan, sort of a nostalgia piece for my generation with a mature edge. The film is more violent and graphic than the traditional series, featuring the graphic deaths of several characters. The films’ plot revolves around another threat from Cobra as the Commander uses a doomsday device to threaten the world for ransom. The Joes activate and embark on several missions that send their forces to deal with the multi-layered threat from Cobra.

The animation is top notch, with an interesting blend of styles. While they use some of the Japanese anime techniques to move the action along, the look is more in line with the traditional art of the television series. I thought the voice acting was a little forced with several of the characters, but others were spot on with the moment. Resolute was a perfect love letter to my childhood, and I recommend it for all fans of the older toy line.

4 out of 5.

Murder Party:

This morbid comedy won several awards on the Festival circuit before finding its way to my own DVD player on a lazy Sunday afternoon. A middle-aged parking enforcement officer finds an invitation to a “Murder Party” on Halloween. He creates a cardboard suit of armor and heads off into the night, finding several Art Students holed up in a warehouse. Our protagonist quickly discovers that he’s the “guest of honor” for a murder and the students bind him to a chair while they await the arrival of their ring-leader.

If you’ve ever spent an evening at an Art Show, open-mic poetry night, or some other form of self-indulgent pseudo-intellectuals waxing philosophic on the nature and appreciation for their art, you have a pretty good idea of the characters involved in this story. I’ve spent too many long nights with these people, watching them bicker, backstab, snipe, and create drama at every turn. Along the lines of “Very Bad Things”, the group dynamic begins to fall apart and revelations expose their insecurities and lies. The story threatens to crawl at a snails’ pace before the blood begins to splatter and chaos breaks free.

4 out of 5? I’m actually on the border with this one… it’s really good, but the slow parts really do start to grate on the nerves. There’s an almost endless stream of pretentious dialogue, but it’s all just a set up to the big moments later on in the film. The story basically places an extremely unkind mirror up to the Artiste Community, and the viciousness of that lifestyle is exposed.

Blind Swordplay, Demons, Werewolves, and a superspy??? FOUR REVIEWS!!!

2010-01-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

Holy SHIT!!! Four reviews? Four fucking movies to watch and review for this dang foolish ego project of a blog that I've been trying to maintain for the past few years and you get to read them! Aren't you lucky? Alright, faceless reader, I had a whole day to myself on Sunday, and several hours to sit back and enjoy my Roku-player on Friday and Saturday nights. I watched several films and programs, and here are my thoughts on four of them. Enjoy!

Ichi

What could be better than Shintaro Katsu wandering the countryside as the blind swordsman, Zatoichi? Answer… nothing. But having a wandering blind swordswoman is a close enough second. Ichi is a goze (blind musician) turned away from her home after a male attacker took her virtue, sending her on a quest to find the blind swordsman who helped to raise her. Is he her father? Though he’s never named, the under handed cutting style is the same as the legendary Zatoichi and no attempts are even made to dissuade the viewer from drawing such conclusions. She is joined by another wandering Samurai named “Toma” (mispronounced, to comedic effect, as “Tonma” by several people in the film. The latter definition given as, basically, “Imbecile”), and a young boy of the village the duo happen upon in their travels. The village is set upon by vicious bandits, including a horribly scarred swordsman who may be the key to finding Zatoichi.

The female Ichi is quiet and moody, a bizarre contrast to Katsu’s traditionally clever and humorous “Zatoichi” upon which the story is based. It’s hard to find her as like-able when she’s whining about the lack of value in her life, but this is where the character of Toma tends to steal the show from our lead. He’s a shy, awkward, and caring Samurai whose inability to draw his steel has sent him on a journey of self discovery. He seems the imbecilic braggart throughout the first act, but revelations from the past expose him as much more than meets the eye. It’s a fantastic character to watch develop, and it’s really too bad that the film wasn’t really about him. The art director does a fantastic job with costuming in this film, distinguishing all the characters through their choice in colors. Ichi, Toma, and “The Boy” are garbed in earth-tones, the people of the village in dark and light contrasts in mostly blues and whites, while the bandits wear a chaotic jumble of clashing vibrant colors. The leads are obviously caught between two worlds of Order and Chaos.

The movie is your standard “swordplay” period piece. Its primary theme seems to be the value of life and of living, and what that could mean. One man unable to draw his sword in violence is forced to stand against a scarred monster whose life has been left to nothing more than violence. Between them is Ichi, a woman whose life tips on the edge between both worlds: Killing for its own sake, and the preservation of life through sword-slashing death and carnage. It’s a fine example of the genre, but there are better movies of its type and the film is kind of dreary and depressing. Either way, though, it’s worth a watch if you enjoy chambara or if you’d like an introduction to the genre.

4 out of 5

The Beyond:

Despite my enthusiasm for the works of Lucio Fulci, I’d never actually seen “The Beyond” and actually never really placed it high on my list of “must-see” films. It’s one of those films you hear so much about that you just don’t want to watch it anymore; especially when the shock ending is spoiled by people who simply don’t realize that the film hasn’t actually been seen by the whole world. But it was still on my list, and it crept its way along several long years to finally show up in my mailbox. So when Sunday came around and I found myself alone, I decided to pop it in for a beverage-drinking, chip-crunching good time. Whenever people are discussing the best HP Lovecraft and Cthullu mythos adaptations, I always throw a kink in the argument by tossing out City of the Living Dead by Lucio Fulci. Although it isn’t an actual adaptation, the film is probably the finest example of capturing the mood that Lovecraft tends to inspire in his readers. “The Beyond” is even better, going so far as to introduce its very own “ancient book” plot device and other subtler hints of inspiration from Lovecraft and the Cthullu Mythos.

There are seven Gates of Evil throughout the world. The opening of any number of these gates will allow an evil darkness to gain entry to this world and spread its malignancy. So some 60 years after the opening of one gate in the cellar of a hotel, a young woman inherits the property and sets out to rebuild and reopen. Several mysterious deaths begin to mount and the local doctor begins to grow suspicious of the woman’s true motives, especially after she starts to flip out and claims to see things that couldn’t truly be there. As any number of things could be considered a “spoiler” in reviewing this film, I’ll stop at this point and just urge any true fans of the horror genre to take the time to watch this masterpiece.

5 out of 5.

Murder’s Row

Dean Martin brings the character of Matt Helm to the screen with this (extraordinarily) loose adaptation of the spy series. Helm is a secret agent tasked with uncovering the masterminds behind a plot to knock off the worlds’ leading spies in one elaborate assassination after another. Boozing and joking his way from one lead to another, Martin winds up teamed with a young Anne Margaret whose spastic undulations are intended to pass for dancing (or she’s an epileptic and this film is even sadder for it). The two leads are under constant threat from the metal-domed Lead Henchman (name not important) and his insidiously evil boss whose men appear wearing a red lightning bolt logo on their arm-patches and helmets. These low-rent “Brutes” wait around while Dean Martin quips wise, Anne Margaret shakes her assets, and the least effective gizmo devices are employed to knock bad guys down. At no point could any moment of this film be taken seriously, nor was it meant to be. It’s really one Dean Martin drinking joke after another after another with only the flimsiest of plot devices used to create any sort of a coherent threat for a secret agent to overcome.

Ultimately, Murderer’s Row is only the first in a couple Dean Martin films to feature the character of Matt Helm and the franchise never really improves on the formula we see here. The “studio” never really saw Helm as anything more than an American Competition to the successful James Bond series. They decided to work the character as a parody, rather than the hard-edged assassin portrayed in the successful series of novels upon which the movies were supposed to be based. Author Donald Hamilton probably made a few extra dollars in allowing the studio to churn out this dreck, but his work with Helm has yet to find a truly faithful adaptation. Helm hit the small screen at one time as a Private Detective, and there continues to be talk of another adaptation somewhere down the road. The book series, however, continued on well until Hamiltons’ unfortunate demise as he was working on yet another addition to the Helm saga.

The movie succeeds where it needs to in that it is a vehicle for Dean Martin to sit back and crack wise about his predilections for the sauce. So for that it gets…

3 out of 5.

Big Bad Wolf

“Little Pigs, Little Pigs, Let me come in… “

Would you like my spoiler-free review? This movie is gank… but keep on reading if you want to find out why. Beware!

*spoiler alert!!!!*

Did I just watch a werewolf sodomize his victim before offing her? Yes, I did. Did the rest of the film live up to such a bizarre, twisted, and wretched act? No, not really… though it tries to push a few envelopes by upping the gore and the sick-headedness of a film too long by at least one hour. The basic premise begins when a young college kid steals the keys to his step-father’s hunting cabin and heads up with some other kids. He and his girlfriend manage to escape with their lives, the other kids wind up so much werewolf chum, and we now spend the next 45-50 minutes dealing with the mystery of precisely who the Wolf might be and just how the two kids might plan on putting a stop to the endless horror of Richard Tysons’ glowering for the camera. That’s right! Richard Tyson, the evil and notorious villain from “Kindergarten Cop” and a few direct to DVD monstrosities (including Flight of the Dead, which I enjoyed). The menacing glare from Tyson looks much more like he’s confused than anything else, and he never comes off as anything more than a little bit petulant. But we still have him mugging for the camera, growling in anger, and then pouting because he knows those rascally kids just might be on to him and expose his big secret.

That is, honestly, about as deep as the plot gets. They explore the thematic elements of cyclical abuse, but it’s so utterly devoid of good acting, writing, or direction that it all just seems superfluous. Look, this isn’t a good movie but it has some funny moments and it’s fairly gory. If you have time to waste and you don’t mind sitting through some horrible dreck, than go for it. I didn’t mind it, kind of amused me, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

2 out of 5.

2 New REviews: Popcorn & Wizards of the Demon Sword

2010-01-23T22:03:00.000-08:00

Popcorn:

An old movie theater is rented out for an all night horror festival in this standard Slasher Film from the 80’s. We see some familiar faces in the cast, young people preparing for bigger futures and older actors struggling to make ends meet with bit parts in any old movie they could get. And all the standard slasher-trope characters are featured, including our carbon copy “survival girl”, misfit weirdo, class bicycle, the cool “tough girl”, and wise-cracking handicapped guy. There isn’t really anything extra-ordinary about Popcorn, except for maybe the cheesy “classic” gimmick films they have playing in the background throughout their festival and the films’ obvious ode to classic spook-shows from the 50’s and 60’s. We have a 3-D film where the monster flies through the rafters on a pulley system, “Smell-o-Rama” gas pumped into the theater for “The Stench”, and electric buzzers in various seats for a “shocking” film about an electrified man. We get the standard elimination of cast members through gimmick kills, along with the standard slashes, stabs, and red herrings “jump scares” scattered throughout. The story culminates in an obvious nod toward several Vincent Price films, like House of Wax and The Pit and the Pendulum.

The fact that there isn’t anything extraordinary shouldn’t be taken as any sort of an insult, because it’s not. It’s a decent movie with a few good jumps, a couple of amusing moments, and a fairly decent mystery surrounding the main character. It doesn’t set out to re-invent the wheel, which seems to be one of my most common sayings these days, but it’s something that movie-makers tend to forget. You don’t have to deliver a big surprise twist, you don’t have to invest millions into CGI and gimmick effects, and you don’t need to deliver anything more than a decent story that keeps me entertained and amused from beginning to end. Popcorn was frivolous horror entertainment.

3 out of 5.

Wizards of the Demon Sword:

Cue synthesizers and bring on the California Desert backdrop, because we’re in full mode for a classic fantasy adventure. When a young woman is chased by the vile henchmen of a notoriously evil warlord-slash-wizard, her only hope lies in the sword arm of a brave young warrior. After twirling his sword like a baton for a moment, our hero proceeds to lay waste to the henchmen in a sword battle for the ages. You can almost hear each man screaming, “Not the face!” as they hold their swords out at arms length to block each potentially devastating swing. The Demon Sword in the title? It’s an 8 inch dagger with some jagged edges, made with some sort of clear plastic or glass. They do, however, deliver on the multitude of wizards… a grand total of three, if you want to be generous and label the “seer” a Wizard through technicality. But the real treasure is from the delivery of each line uttered by the “actors” in this story, from their deadly serious invocation of the danger they are all in to the flippant disregard for the bravado of the lead. This movie has it all… but we really slip into something truly special when our two main characters travel the country on horseback, pausing time and again to react to claymation dinosaurs doing battle with one another. They quickly make haste to get the heck out of there before they become lunch… over… and over… and over again. At one point, though, the lead character decides to casually flip his dagger at one of the dinosaurs… and the beast promptly falls dead, allowing our leads to eat play-doh for dinner that evening.

This movie also had some real star power to back it up. Michael Berryman comes down from the hills to do battle with our hero for a brief turn, reminding everyone precisely why these Hills Have Eyes…. Bad joke, I know. But if you thought the mutant mug of Berryman couldn’t sell you on this film, how about the rock-hard gravel appearance of Lawrence Tierney as a slave-trader offering his wares on the open market? There has to be a Mr. Pink joke in there, but I’m just not clever enough to find it. “Wizards of the Demon Sword” is nearly the pinnacle of what you could expect from sword and sorcery films of the 80’s, with synthesizer music and teased hairstyles to the over exposure of skin in nearly all forms of costumes and armor.

3 out of 5.

2010-01-15T21:43:00.000-08:00

"Horror Rises From The Tomb"

Although Paul Naschy is the King of Spanish horror and a favored actor on the Manor of Mayhem, I have been largely unfamiliar with his work through the years and only recently discovered him some few months before my introduction to the Manor’s host. “The Werewolf Versus the Vampire Woman” is a horror host staple and was my first introduction to the legends of Waldimar Deninsky, Naschy’s signature character. I loved the film, and wanted to see much more. I had the recent honor in participating on a featurette production (“Naschy 101”) for the release of “The Hanging Woman” on DVD. My first appearance as a “regular” character on the Manor of Mayhem started when they aired Naschy’s Japanese co-production of The Beast and the Sword, another Deninsky film set in feudal Japan. I got a copy of Rojo Sangre, probably one of the most definitive works from the prolific actor, from Remo D for my 33rd Birthday. The world recently lost Paul Naschy, whose real name was Jacinta Molina and whose life inspired one of my dearest friends to pursue his love for the horror genre. In turn, that inspiration also pushed me to become a better and more prolific (if amateur) writer and gave me one opportunity after another to share my mutual love for the same genre.

My friend wrote a special tribute and farewell to Signor Molina. I have been wanting to do something special, both for my friend and for his hero. There isn’t a lot an amateur like me can do, but as a fan I have one thing. I can turn down the lights, cuddle under the blanket, crack open my favorite beverage, and I can watch one of the actors most well known films and have a “first time” experience and reaction without spoilers or expectations.

“Horror Rises from the Tomb” introduces the evil Alaric De Marnac; a sorcerer and worshipper of dark powers. He and his lover are executed for their crimes and heresy but vow revenge on the descendants of his prosecutors. We flash forward to the modern era (Mid 1970’s), the descendants perform a séance that summons the soul of the wandering du Marnac and sets into motion a series of events that will see him rise from the grave. Naschy is cast in two roles, both as the descendant of du Marnac’s brother and as the evil sorcerer himself. The film is wrapped in the European countryside, where the chill fall weather sets a perfect ambiance to the creepy atmosphere of the story. These are the movies that make horror “fun” to begin with, an escape from our stressful lives where sometimes horror can become a little too real.

The blood drips, splashes, and flows from jagged wounds as de Marnac exacts his revenge. There are hints of vampirism, dark displays of sorcery, and even the rise of several zombies to do their masters’ evil bidding. Superstitious villagers, hostile weather, and a lack of modern amenities also contend to end the lives of our main characters. Damsels in distress, powerful talismans, and a convoluted solution that includes an act from “one who is pure of heart” give the protagonists a fighting chance against the evil forces around them. This is classic good versus evil, and du Marnac is as chilling and enthralling a villain as they come.

I attempted to watch the film in its native Castillian with sub-titles, but the sound quality came off with a tin quality that hurt my ears a little so I switched back to its English dub. I still read the sub-titles, which were actually fairly excellent and never blended with the background like so many other movies. As with many films of the time, the voice acting is a little weak and lacks some of the passion or emphasis of dialogue going on at the time. It’s an otherwise excellent film well worth a dark evening or matinee afternoon home on the couch with your own favorite beverage and a light snack.

4.5 out of 5.

What I'm watching now, 8th Plague review

2010-01-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

The 8th Plague:

With a low budget and an amateur cast, an artist can pull off some amazing things when given half a decent chance. We’ve seen these stories a dozen times before, but The 8th Plague manages to do it well enough that it shouldn’t be dismissed half as easily as the couple dozen or so Direct to DVD releases from amateur horror enthusiasts. A young woman goes looking for her sister in an abandoned prison rumored to be haunted, accompanied by her friends, an officer, and a former Prison employee. An ancient evil lies in wait, possessing the people and turning them into bloodthirsty “Near-Zombies”… kind of a nod to “Prince of Darkness” more so than “Night of the Living Dead” or movies along those lines. The film really excels at pushing the boundaries of gore, though… splashing plenty of blood to satisfy most while also capturing the atmosphere of a Lovecraftian exploration of the Unknown and Unknowable. The pacing is excellent, the framing for several shots seem a little shocking with the technology they worked with, and the whole experience was enjoyable despite some really terrible acting.

3.5 out of 5.

What else I’ve watched this weekend:

Hatchet For the Honeymoon: Mario Bava film that I’ve seen the trailer for nearly a hundred times on other DVD’s and trailer compilations.

The Producers: The Musical remake with Matthew Broderick, a funny film but not nearly as riotously funny as the original film.

Plasterhead: A low-budget slasher film that tried neither to make sense nor be very good, and succeeded at both endeavors.

Sherlock Holmes (I eat crow!) and Gamers: Dorkness Rising REVIEWS

2010-01-04T18:45:00.000-08:00

Sherlock Holmes:

I’m not fond of eating crow. When I first saw the trailer for this film, my hopes that this would be a faithful adaptation of a legendary character were immediately dashed by Robert Downey’s seemingly drunken portrayal of a serious, logical, and inquisitive Holmes in a much seedier London than the one I imagined in my youth. I thought the film would be just another “blockbuster” out in time for the Holidays, but with no more depth than to cash in on the star commodity of pairing Jude Law with Downey. And so I decided to ignore this release, despite the eager anticipation several friends had expressed. So one week after it’s release, after hearing so many rave reviews and glowing praise for the film from friends whom I trust, I decided that Sherlock Holmes would be the first film I would see in the New Year. And I was forced to eat crow.

Downey is brilliant, not at all the drunken wastrel seemingly teased in the trailer… he is drinking heavily, he is somewhat brooding and temperamental, but his demeanor is a reaction to the impending loss of his closest friend and roommate to the upcoming marriage of Dr. Watson. We find the seedy London is closer to the reality that a man like Holmes would face in his line of business and expertise, and Jude Laws’ “Watson” is a courageous and brilliant man whose devotion to his friend is also at odds with the expectations of his bride-to-be and the society around him. This adventure could be their last, and neither man is at his best in order to take on a very worthy adversary.

We get a lot of action, big stunts, incredible effects, but all of that is basically eye candy to what is one of the more intelligent storylines presented in the past several years. The villain is obvious, the crimes are brutal, but the question remains about “how” and “Why”… which Holmes manages to deduce through classic detective work and the logical assembly of clues. And the audience is never insulted with a shock twist, like so many mysteries in this day and age. We share the mystery, we can pick up the pieces if we wish, and we can see how Holmes is able to piece together the puzzle.

I want more from Downey and Law, more from this version of Sherlock Holmes, and the film ends with enough of an opening to build a small franchise over the next several years. I’m so happy with this film, and it probably could have been a top contender for my years’ best films had I seen it a week earlier.

5 out of 5.

Gamers: The Dorkness Rising

Fresh off my Roku player with my Netflix account, “The Dorkness Rising” is a sequel to the little Gaming Convention favorite that could be seen in several parts on youtube. This film, however, shows the improved progression of film narrative from “Dead Gentlemen” productions as they address deeper themes within the context of this “D&D” parody.

A struggling module writer tries to run his friends through a home-made dungeon that he hopes to polish before sending it in for publication, but the three players have already died twice. Their solution is to find some new players to join their quest and they are joined by the ex-girlfriend of one of the members. She is able to breathe new life into the campaign, and the players begin to adapt new strategies to face several of the confrontations in the module. The DM is also able to relinquish some of his own control, allowing the players more free reign with their decisions that enable the rest of the group to relax and enjoy the story as well as the game.

The trouble with films like this is that they tend to cater to a niche audience with “inside” jokes that could only be understood by the fan base. Dorkness Rising lets outsiders in by presenting a character that is entirely new to the world of D&D, introducing the audience to this hobby through her eyes. The more she learns, the more the audience is able to grasp the humor in the parody as we follow both the players of the game and their “in-game” characters through the Dungeon Module as prepared by the films main protagonist.

4.5 out of 5.

2010 preview thoughts on upcoming movies

2010-01-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

The time? The year 2010. The movies?

There are so many movies coming out this coming year, it’s hard to narrow down the field on what I should be looking forward to. Following up what might be one of the more lackluster years in movies might not be too difficult, but I’m going to keep my sights aimed a little high and hope for the best.

Superheroes are getting a huge leap forward with Marvel’s “Iron Man 2” and the DC competition of a full length “Green Lantern” film set for the summer schedule. Iron Man has momentum on his side, along with the promising future “Avengers” film getting set for production in a few years. Thor is already lined up, as is Captain America, and the company already has some impressive credentials including the possibility of a return to Spiderman in coming years. DC hasn’t had the string of success rates, despite (or perhaps because of) its ties to Warner… the Batman franchise continues to be their big seller while Superman is considered one of the most miserable failures. Last years Watchmen film explored some of their alternative properties, but Green Lantern is really one of the first forays into their character line that isn’t one of the three major characters in their mythos. Its success or failure should determine the development on their other title characters.

Fantasy heads up the year with an early release on the Clash of the Titans remake, paving the way for Percy Jackson and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice due out later. The split on the last Harry Potter book (the first part of The Deathly Hollows) is due out for the Holidays before next summers’ blockbuster release of the final installment for the adventures from Hogwarts. Let’s throw out the third installment on “Twilight”, since it really falls in line with Fantasy rather than horror and you have an interesting year for this niche market.

But let’s not forget the dance that got us to the ball. Horror has an interesting year laid out for it, with the early release on “The Crazies” remake, Romero’s latest “Survival of the Dead”, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” re-imaging, “The Wolfman”, the latest “Resident Evil” film, another entry to the “Scream” franchise, and a Blob remake from Rob Zombie. But no film has managed to capture my attention more than the trailer for the upcoming “Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil”. This movie doesn’t attempt to redefine a classic; it simply offers an interesting twist on some older genre stereotypes with pure dark comedy. Joss Whedon teams with one of the guys from Cloverfield to bring us “A Cabin in the Woods”, Adam Green brings us “Frozen”, and has already started work on his Hatchet sequel. We also have the long awaited sequel to “2001 Maniacs” will probably get a direct to DVD release in the next coming months. Raimi’s Ghosthouse Pictures adds a gentler, younger teen friendly version of films with their Spookhouse division and its’ first effort, a remake of 2008’s “The Substitute. But they’re not done with their rougher films, as they’ve also started work on a sequel to “30 Days of Night”. And then we have the Rodriguez produced, full length “Machete” release.

2010 has a lot of eye candy to look forward to, but it’s hard to pinpoint the genre “event” film of the year. In fact, other than Tucker and Dale, the rest of the year looks like a never-ending stream of remakes and sequels with one coming right after the other. I’m excited for Clash, I’m thrilled for the Potter stuff, and I’m hyped for Iron Man 2. I don’t know what to think about Green Lantern, having not seen a single trailer yet. I’ve been looking forward to a full Machete film since the fake trailer appeared in Grindhouse, but it’s certainly no major Event.

That’s it from me, faceless readers. As always, thoughts and debates are welcome and encouraged.

Avatar review, + 3 random movies.

2009-12-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

AVATAR:

James Cameron digs down deep and delivers a visually striking film with amazing use of CGI technology, creating a world that is captivating and beautiful. It’s a fully realized planet with it’s own evolution of life that connects each organism to one another on a level that is beyond human understanding. And with all these lush colors, fierce beasties, and extraordinary effects he still manages to deliver one of the single most bland film experiences. Despite, or perhaps because of, the huge budget and ten years to develop his “masterpiece”, Cameron constantly dips the script into one generic cliché after another in order to show us another pretty thing… floating mountains, dragon-like mounts, or local fauna that bursts with fantastic light and color. Prior epic films are pillaged for their emotional plot points. Vibrant lands are torn apart by future human technologies in order to mine some generic ore deposit Cameron saw fit to call “Unobtainium”, a legend regarding the taming of a fierce beast is told just in time for us to understand why the Deaux Ex Machina is supposed to be important, and the Princess tasked with teaching our “Hero” the ways of her people has got a prior hot-headed suitor who comes to odds with the main character. Some liken the film to Dances With Smurfs, but the pillaging of prior “epic” films only start with that point and move on through one film after another. Sigourney Weaver reprises her role from Gorilla’s in the Mist, hover planes right out of Terminator drop off the mercenary Marines bearing arms ripped straight out of Aliens, all while our hero narrates everything we’re currently seeing just in case there’s one person in the audience too stupid to realize what’s happening.

I’d like to alert you to some spoilers, but the whole film spoils itself at least ten minutes before any “major twist” that occurs. You’ve seen them all before, in the most basic Disney film to the most elaborate epic ever conceived. Braveheart, Furn Gully, and on and on and on…. Cameron beats us over the head with the “message” regarding the evils of military conquest and the way humanity will find any excuse to take what they want. Of course, it requires that we believe that “Unobtainium” is so unbelievably valuable that some corporate executive would completely ignore the financial opportunity of exploring organic telecommunication technology that the local scientists have discovered on the planet. The film is a two hour lecture on the evils of humanity, the wonders of the natural world, and the ability to spend $500 MILLION on the same technology that relies on the same evil ore mining, low wage part assembly, and unskilled craftsmanship to develop the machines that make it possible for “visionary” artists to trick us into thinking that something so beautiful must be an original and groundbreaking film.

3 out of 5.

Bloodlines:

In what I thought sounded like an interesting concept, an inbred backwoods cannibal family kidnap and torture young women by forcing them to compete for the dubious “honor’ of carrying on the family “seed”. One of their victims turns the tables on them when her brothers come to reclaim their “Baby Girl”, sparking a family feud between the two families. But where the conceptual idea of having two lunatic families go at it seems like a winner, the story itself is vastly generic as the girl and her brothers aren’t quite the vicious opposition they seemed to be in the films description. They’re really a rather average trio who happen to enjoy the out-doors and do a lot of hunting and fishing. The Lunatic cannibals are wrapped in cheap latex to sell their in-bred nature, and spend most of the film whooping, hollering, laughing, and ultimately boring the heck out viewers. The film seems like it wants to push the envelope in some scenes, but then pulls back from crossing too many lines by falling back on one cliché after another. It never lives up to the gory expectations of its opening scene, either. The film seems almost fit for “Lifetime” television, but for all the cussing and nudity.

2.5 out of 5.

Die, You Zombie Bastards

AKA: What the heck did I just watch? This little indie feature is a rock-a-billy trip through perversion, insanity, gore, and just about every twisted thing that refuses to grow anywhere near sunlight. A serial killer with a heart of gold dons the caped costume of a super-hero in order to save his equally psychotic bride from the vile clutches of a villain named “Dr. Nefarious”. The Evil Doctor intends to use his Zombo-tron to turn the world into his private army of Zombie slaves, mate with Redd’s wife, and do all sorts of other nasty things in this wild film that includes an amphibious guy, robots, werewolves, and Ninja. There’s something not quite right with the mind of a person who would make this kind of film, but it hits all the right notes and makes no apologies for what it is. I just have no idea what it really is… there are no compromises, no attempts to appeal to the main stream audience, and seems hell bent on flipping the bird to Hollywood. I loved it.

4 out of 5.

Laid To Rest

Stalked by a killer in a chrome mask and a shoulder mounted video camera, a young woman flees for her life with no memory of who she is or how she wound up in a coffin at the beginning of the film. She’s helped by a passing driver who takes her to his house, where the killer eventually chases them both all over town and kills many more people in order to take out his victim. The film is finely paced, the gore is spot on, but the film seems to be a little bit messy at times and logic takes a back seat to one kill after another in this fairly typical slasher film. Still, we get some pretty good moments and the films main characters are engaging enough for us to care about what happens to them and why the lunatic is continuing to hunt them down. We also have a few appearances from genre vets and fairly interesting twist near the end.

3.5 out of 5.

Top Ten of 2009

2009-12-29T02:53:00.000-08:00

Addendum: These are only movies that either had a major theatrical release or I happened to catch them in the theater. I'll give my favorite DVD movie list of the year a little later, as I need to actually check on the release dates of many films I've seen. At the end of the list I'll give some honorable mentions that will include some DVD's along with some lamentations regarding the retched failures in theaters this past year.

10. Last House on the Left

I haven't been a big fan of remakes over the years. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a travesty so far as I'm concerned. Prom Night is a movie that shouldn't even be spoken of in mixed company. But sometimes, the movie is done exactly right... striking all the right notes and improving on the flaws of the original source material. The Hills Have Eyes, The Fly, and, of course, The Thing. Then, there are remakes that really don't deserve the comparison... most recently, Dawn of the Dead was such a completely different film from the original that they can't really be compared. And that's where Last House wound up falling for me. Personally, I still prefer the original film. I think it's more shocking. But I can't grumble about this effort, either... the two films aren't the same piece of work, they don't deal with the same issues, and their tones are just vastly different

9. Crank 2: High Voltage

Chev Chelios hits the ground with a sickening thump, his body broken and dying as the Chinese Poison continues to seep in his veins. Within moments, he's scooped off the pavement and wheeled away in a van to a secret location where his life is saved and doctors begin to harvest his organs. When he wakes up, he finds his heart has been replaced and he sets out to get the original Cherry Tart put back in his chest. This movie was INSANE!!! I loved every crazy lunatic moment of it as they continued to push the envelope and up the ante with one scene after another.

8.Friday the 13th (Re-Imagining)

Jason returns to his roots with a reworking “reboot” of the film series. The film boils down all the essential plot elements from the original series, including aspects from parts 2 through 4 in order to build an independent story. Derek Mears manages to shine in a largely stereotypical script, while nearly all the other performers seem to phone in several bland parts with the exception of the “token minorities”. It was a fun little jaunt through the woods, but a poor soundtrack and a lazy script didn’t give the fan base much to chew on.

7. The Collector

Far meatier than the reintroduction of Friday the 13th, this “Saw”-inspired slasher film hit all the right notes for a gore-hound and introduced a brand new villain to the horror scene. Although the story suffers through one dimensional characterizations of the “family in peril”, the cat and mouse routine between the killer and the burglar tends to keep the audience on the edge of their seat. With a little spit and polish, this movie could have easily climbed to the top of the heap and nearly accomplished just that if hadn’t been for a few random additions to the year in cinema.

6.Drag Me to Hell

Sam Raimi returns to horror! After spending the past several years with Spidey, Raimi returned to the genre that turned him into a legend with a film that throws back to the days of classic spook-shows. A gypsy curse haunts a young woman, promising to drag her to hell after three days have passed. The gags are plentiful, though low in gore. It works as an early introduction to Raimi’s new “Spook-house” subdivision of the Ghost-House brand, introducing a younger audience to the world of horror and acts as a fun ride through familiar territory for the die-hard fans.

5.

Zombieland:

Driven to cannibalistic rage traced to a bad hamburger, the world is overrun with Zombies and it’s up to a group of misfits to overcome their own fears and distrust in order to survive the new world around them. Hilarious, gory, and as over the top as it comes… Zombieland was a rollercoaster ride that hit all the right notes for me.

4.

Watchmen:

Zack Snyder brings the epic graphic novel to life. Love it or hate it, The Watchmen was probably the second biggest “event” movie of the year. This movie pretty much had it all; Amazing visual effects, a deep story, and a top notch performance from several of the films stars including a stand out performance from Jackie Earle Haley.

3.

Star Trek:

We probably won’t hear to much about the film when it comes time for Hollywood to break their hands with back patting. JJ Abrams does the unthinkable and successfully manages to reboot the Star Trek franchise with a film, story, and twist that manages to captivate the hardcore, casual, and younger generation fans. Not enough good could be said about this movie and will probably be number one on many peoples’ lists for the year.

2.

Inglorious Basterds:

Tarantino’s war epic “Men on a Mission” story finally sees the light of day. Brad Pitt is featured as Aldo Raines, but it’s the villainous Nazi investigator who steals the show. A bunch of “outlaw”-minded American Soldiers, a British Spy, and a Jewish projectionist converge in a plot to kill the Nazi High Command. Must see film.

1.

Coraline:

A modern fairy tale delivers young Coraline to a new home with her work-a-holic parents. Discovering a small door, the young girl finds an alternate world where her “Other” Mother waits to dote. The reality is that this world is a trap and a horrible creature waits to devour the children she lures in with empty promises. By far one of the more terrifying stories this past year, Coraline is based upon the book by Neil Gaiman and was a rare jewel for this year.

++++++++++++

With that said, I don't know if it's a good thing that my favorite film of the year was a family movie or if it's just a sad state for the genre film industry. My Bloody Valentine had me excited, and the first ten minutes looked like a solid delivery making good on it's expected promise... but then the rest of the film threw itself backward to the "Scream" cliche. But there were some interesting promises in the direct to DVD and foreign markets: Dead Snow gave us an old school cabin in the woods zombie feature, Hills Run Red was a good throwback to the cheap slashers of the 80's, while Raimi's Ghosthouse Releasing got their hands on some fairly brutal films for the Season. Deadgirl was an interesting story, even if I didn't really enjoy the experience and is showing that Trent Haaga is a storyteller to be reckoned with. The biggest highlight of the year to hit DVD, by far, was Trick R' Treat. Long awaited by genre fans, this anthology film manages to twine three seperate stories about the events which unfold in a small town on the eve of Halloween.

G.I. Joe, Wolverine, and the worthy Outlander round out the rest of the honorable mentions.

Now, here it comes... worst film of the year:

Where the Wild Things Are

A more wretched hive of depression and misery would be hard to find, but this film manages to sink lower than some of the more disgusting features to date. So there you go, Faceless Readers... my top ten of the year.

Clash of the Titans review

2009-12-21T22:00:00.001-08:00

Clash of the Titans

With a remake on the horizon, I decided to revisit my childhood by renting this classic to watch with my young son and sort of give him an introduction to the world of Myth and Monsters. The last film from Special Effects guru Ray Harryhausen boasted a fantastic cast that included Laurence Olivier as Zeus, featured cutting edge monster designs, and special effects that stand up well even with the modern CGI blends of today. Watching the film brought me back to my youth and reminded me that this was also my own introduction to Greek Mythology and inspired my love for heroic storytelling and fantasy films. I owe so much to this film, and so many others from that period of time, that I’m honestly surprised it’s taken me so long to rediscover it’s magic. I can’t remember having seen this film in some twenty years or so, but I remember owning a lunch box from the film as well as several of the action figures of that time. Although I’d not thought of them since, I remembered how Thalos had been my favorite figure and that I often included several figures from the Star Wars line in retelling the classic Greek myths in my room. I remembered exploring the local Library shelves for books, learning about Hermes, the original story of Perseus, Heracles, and on down the line. It all started with this film. And while it’s nice to reminisce, the question is whether the film itself can withstand the test of time and deliver the goods to an audience that is, frankly, spoiled rotten on gluttony of huge CGI effects.

The Gods are vengeful children playing with the lives of mortals to spite one another, lavishing gifts and praise to their children while punishing others for faults of their own making. Zeus orders the destruction of a city and it’s people when their King casts his daughter and her son to the sea. The child is Perseus, son of Zeus, guided to a safety upon an island where he knows little of the outside world and lives in peace and tranquility. He is delivered to the kingdom of Joppa by a spiteful goddess, whose own son was punished by Zeus and transformed into a beast that now terrorizes the city of his fiancée. Perseus finds and falls in love with the girl, the hauntingly beautiful Cassiopea, and he must solve the riddle, catch the winged Pegasus, defeat the cursed Calibos, seek guidance from the Fate Witches, cross the river Styx, defeat a two headed dog, cut off the head of the Medusa, and destroy the Kraken, all to win the hand of Cassiopea and save all of Joppa. And he does all this while wearing a toga. Ray Harryhausen brings the creatures of myth to life with his signature style of claymation, blending live actors with the art of his craft that delivers true heart and soul to the screen. The biggest highlight of the film, however, comes when Perseus confronts the Medusa… a dark and tense scene that uses a great many elements to draw the viewer into a dark nightmare, where the ever-present rattle of the approaching monster threatens to turn every corner and the labyrinthine pillars and statues offer both sanctuary and threat in the dim shadows. The mere sight of her turns all living beings to stone, and the blood is a vile and acidic poison. The scene is shear brilliance in an otherwise fantastic film that truly brings mythology to life.

5 out of 5.

Opening Slew of Reviews: Just a taste of things to come.

2009-12-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

Xtro:

My first time in a video store, I wandered into the horror / Sci-Fi section of the two bit shop and my eyes fell on the box cover to this British movie. It boasted several quotations that guaranteed this would not be my first rental for the new VHS player my family got for Christmas that year, but it did stick out in my mind for several years. But, when I was old enough to start renting movies this title still seemed like a forbidden taboo that I shouldn’t cross. As the years went on, I sort of lost track of ever finding the movie again but it kept scratching at the back of my mind. I eventually remember watching it late at night, severely cut on one of the USA network “late night” shows, but it really didn’t seem to make much sense. So I put it on my Netflix queue and waited, not with especially baited breath (I had long since lowered my expectations based on various reviews of the film).

Late on Saturday night, I flung Xtro into the DVD player when my gaming group left the house and laid out on the couch to enjoy the film. A father is abducted from his family, his young son the only witness. Three years later, he comes back a changed being and wants his son to join him in the stars. So… okay, that’s as basic a rendition of the storyline as I can figure, but the movie is such a mess that it’s hard to follow some of the logic of the things that are going on. It’s also hard to figure whether the father’s return is a good thing or a bad thing, even though some truly disturbing and terrible things are happening as a result. There is plenty of grue to satisfy the gore-hound, but the movie is so bizarre and strange that it’s just hard to take it seriously. It seems that being partially transformed into an alien creature by his father has given the boy, Tony, some special powers and abilities that simply defy any sort of belief.

It’s not a good movie, but there’s a strange fascination and appeal to the movie that makes it worth watching. The bizarre elements are all thrown together in a blender and the audience just sort of has to sit there and watch things happen with little to no explanation. I remember watching Eraserhead with the same kind of wonder. The surreal nightmare quality of Xtro was probably less purposeful, but it still works as a strange little oddity in the world of cult cinema. Check it out, but don’t expect to be blown away.

2.5 out of 5.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

X-Cross:

Honestly, where and how do I start with talking about this movie? Two young women travel to a distant village where they intend to relax in the natural hot springs and get away from the rest of the world. One girl recently broke up with her long term boyfriend, the other is a promiscuous man-hunter, and their friendship is somewhat strained by their uncertain affection for one another. Few things are truly what they seem when the girls separate and their stories take divergent paths linked only by their desperate attempts to reach one another on their cell phones. Time is a fluid commodity for the director as he travels back and forth through the same moments, giving us different views from each of the two protagonists.

One girl discovers the terrible secret of the village and finds that she’s only the latest victim of the traditional sacrifices practiced by the misshapen residents. Worshiping their victims as “Living Gods”, they ritualistically remove the left leg and hang the mummified corpses as scarecrows around the village. Afraid for her life, only one real question continues to haunt the girl… did her friend lure her to the village?

Meanwhile, the other girl is stalked by a homicidal lunatic wielding various shears. Having wronged her attacker some months back, the girl is chased and attacked by her insane assailant who never seems to stop. As she tries to find some means of escape, she is also holding back on a secret from her friend.

A mishmash of styles, the movie shifts from eerie and frightening to slapstick comedy and fan-boy action without even the slightest degree of contrived awkwardness. Both stories, and all the mysteries, unfold and converge in an explosive climax. X-Cross is a brilliant little film from Japan with plenty of action, laughs, and gore to satisfy the genre-minded fan boy.

4.5 out of 5.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Blood Moon Rising

Zombies, Werewolves, vampires, Demons, aliens, and a witch converge to open (or close) the gates of Hell in this low budget love letter to the Grindhouse experience. Cut with fake dirt, missing footage, and horrible sound, this movie delivers the sleaze and the grue in buckets with one quipped one liner after another. Ron Jeremy makes a cameo appearance for all of about four minutes, but the film is virtually carried by it’s two lead actors when a comic-book nerd and party-skank are employed as saviors to the World against legions of monsters thrown together with bottom dollar effects. We have zombies, vampires, werewolf bikers, demonic knights, and the daughter of the Devil herself running wild! It’s a chaotic jumble of genre baddies, but the film comes together with typical grindhouse simplicity as the good guys just blast their way through most of their problems.

Now, obviously, I had a blast with this film. But I need to point out the faults because I don’t share the same interests with… well… a majority of the rest of the world. Everything that worked in the movie could also work against the movie. It was chaotic, with some creatures switching sides for no apparent reason, characters dying and then coming back as either a werewolf, zombie, or vampire through various means and the double-billing of it’s lead actress as both the heroine and the villain. The acting flipped between overdrive and wood, sometimes in the same scene, and the effects were bottom dollar stitched together rubber costumes. The only area where I thought the film truly suffered was in the sound quality, with crappy over-dubs and some dialogue that just went too low with the high volume soundtrack music. So if any of these things are a major irritant to you, than skip it and rent something a little more friendly to your interests.

4 out of 5.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Hills Run Red

Fans are always on the look out for the next “Holy Grail” in horror. They track down rumors and hearsay regarding films that have fallen to obscurity, extreme movies touching on the raw nerves of the few fans privileged to experience such epic horror. Rarely do the films ever live up to the expectations, but we still keep an eye out for them and we still track them down and we still watch them. That’s the general premise behind “THRR”, the search for the Holy Grail when a fan makes his search into a quest and manages to track down the daughter of an obscure director to a film only screened once. It’s not a new storyline, to be honest. The film uses the same Self-Irony of the Scream franchise, the “Torture” scenario from Hostel, the psychotic backwoods setting of the Chainsaw Massacre, and the Trademark Killer from 80’s Slasher movies to shove a quick little gore fest that brings a few interesting twists but is otherwise the same stuff we’ve seen a hundred times before. And that’s the way it should be!

Horror films don’t have to reinvent the wheel every time they get a green light. The Hills Run Red gives you exactly what it promises to give you; a quick little run through the guts and the gore with a couple of laughs thrown in to keep it safe. Baby Face is a fun little iconic image, the kills are twisted little gore-bits, and the characters are neatly packaged for a quick little jaunt that clocks in at nearly an hour and fifteen minutes. Some of the effects work better than others, but the film had over-all satisfying feel to it and is worth the time of a rental and a cheap purchase.

4 out of 5.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Inglorious Basterds

Once upon a Time in Nazi-occupied France…

This isn’t about historical accuracy. Tarantino’s “Spaghetti Western” employs the mythic storytelling of the Italian Western and sets it in the desolate desperation of France during the Nazi occupation of World War 2. He fills his movie with colorful characters, not the least of which begins with the title characters led by “Apache” Aldo Raines. A group of Jewish-American Soldiers dropped behind enemy lines in order to perform acts of sabotage and to terrorize the German forces before the Americans initiate their landing on the beaches of Normandy. Brad Pitt chews up his dialogue as Raines, a grizzled veteran with a deep southern accent and a mysterious scar across his throat. The rest of the Basterds are highlighted by Donnie Donowitz (played full tilt by Eli Roth), and a psychopathic ex-German enlisted man named Stiglitz. But the whole movie is virtually hijacked by Tarantino’s villain of the piece, a devoted SS officer whose nickname is “Jew-Hunter”. This character opens the film for us with one of the most compelling scenes that truly wrap you up in precisely who he is, what he does, and what kind of obstacles our heroes have to overcome in order to achieve their mission. In the same scene, we are also briefly introduced to Shosanna, a character who becomes pivotal to the rest of the story as she flees the Nazi forces and eventually finds refuge under an assumed identity over the course of several years.

The plot is simple: The Basterds are tasked with aiding a British operative as he infiltrates the World Premiere of a film directed by the Nazi high command, featuring the true story of a Nazi sharpshooter’s heroics. The object is to kill as many members of the high command as they possibly can, including the last minute inclusion of Adolf himself! Multiple schemes and plots converge at once for an epic ending. The movie is violent and features the usual poetic dialogue that’s made Tarantino so popular.

There are some problems I had with the movie, though. He seems to be repeating himself as many lines of dialogue seem to be taken straight out of Kill Bill and Jackie Brown. They weren’t pivotal lines and could have been thrown out in favor of something less familiar, but it may be that Tarantino didn’t even realize the repetition at the time of his writing. Additionally, the film seemed far too short for the story and the characters… which may sound odd for a 2 hour war epic, but with so many interesting characters it seemed that Tarantino could have done more with them had he taken more time. The Basterds, especially, seemed to have less screen time than just about anyone else in the movie. With rumors about a prequel to the film, this could probably be rectified by bringing some of the cast members back for another waltz through the landscape of World War

2. 5 out of 5.

The first Rant, and a film suggestion

2009-12-14T22:28:00.000-08:00

Hollywood continues to confuse and amaze me with their measured indifference to the “fan-boy” crowd, despite some of the more successful Direct to DVD enterprises over the past few years. The Sci-Fi channel continues to air some of the z-grade features, Charles Band is back to producing films for his Full Moon line, and Sly Stallones’ kid has a pretty successful DVD venture with Grindhouse Releasing, while Troma is still alive and kicking. Several low-budget film companies have managed to take advantage of the Net in order to produce, market, and deliver on several independent projects that really push the envelope and introduce audiences to some truly imaginative works. And despite the alternatives that are out there, it’s still hard for a fan-boy like me to find information on these projects, much less to get excited about and promote these projects for like minded sicko-psycho-monster flick lovers. The websites and magazines devoted to the genre tend to focus most of their articles on the mainstream releases, with consistent updates from twitter accounts of the films stars and production teams. So while you might find some ad for an obscure feature shot on some kids’ home camera in the way back corner of Rue Morgue, you’ll rarely ever actually see these films get some review space in the same magazine. The classic cult features that find themselves put out on DVD might get reviewed in some of these magazines and/or websites, but these are classics from an older generation that had the “benefit” of finding these films in Drive-ins and Grindhouses around the country. It’s a sad state that I can remember the thrills and excitement with seeing Evil Dead and Toxic Avenger while kids today whisper in hushed tones about Two Girls and a Cup.

The truth is that it takes a lot of money to make any sort of feature film, and the only way to really recoup your costs on a project like this is to sell that film to some major studio’s low budget “independent” branch. They’re going to spend the money on advertising, they’re going to put their polished finish to it, and they’re going to market the film in their catalogues for the chain stores to pick up on surplus. If they lose money on the project, they can write it off as a tax liability and recoup their losses from other ventures. In fact, some companies purposefully release these types of films for just that sort of end result. Meantime, you have these smaller companies attempting to promote their films in trade magazines and they sell them through the mail on an individual basis. At $20 a pop, these DVD’s are rarely of the same quality as a mass-marketed production from a Major Studio’s various branches, and they barely scratch the surface of recoupment for production costs. With a close-knit fan base, the only chance to really promote your film comes from the attendance of various conventions and competitions throughout the country and hope that one of your films is seen by a few key people who are either interested in picking up your flick for sale, or that you find enough people to spread the news of your project through “word of mouth”.

Why am I bothering to rant about all of this? I just spent some of the day perusing my favorite horror movie website, where there were pages upon pages of “news” regarding the recent “Twilight” film, news about the return of Sydney Campbell in the latest Scream film currently in pre-production, and several “Sneak Peak” photos of the new Freddy Krueger make-up by way of showing the new Toy Line being produced to coincide with the films release date. I have to pull a search for any low budget film reviews, much less any in-depth news regarding the production or release of these films. Admittedly, so few people even care about these low budget productions that they probably wouldn’t be able to find a profitable business from exploring the news on these features… but it would be nice to see someone make an effort to introduce fans to the newest indie horror flicks out there. I found out about Hatchet through this same website, but they’ve long since been purchased by larger media conglomerates that news of that films’ sequel has been virtually a dry riverbed of apathy as far as their headlines go. With that said:

Go find yourself a copy of Two Front Teeth, a holiday horror flick I absolutely fell in love with last year. It featured Ninja-Nuns, a vampiric army of Elves, a world-wide conspiracy, and even an Easter Were-bunny. It’s a crazy film and everyone should check it out.